Sex Savvy is sort of a cross between a how-to book, a psychology/physiology lesson, a sermon on sexuality and a conversation between two friends. I don’t know how else to describe it. J Parker (the author and blogger at Hot, Holy & Humorous) came to me, way back in November of last year and basically said (paraphrasing) “Hey, I wrote a book, want to read it…and maybe review it?” It’s a good think she told me the timing of the review didn’t matter, because it took me a few months to get to it. But once I picked it up, it was hard to put down. I finally picked it up mid last week and just finished it.
It’s a book, written to wives, trying to answer all the big questions about sex. All the things they don’t really teach you in sex education, what our parents were and are afraid to talk to us about, and what most churches are terrified of even mentioning the existence of. And we’re all to blame, because most of us are those parents, those teachers and those church leaders. And we don’t usually even talk to our friends about these topics. So, this book fills a huge need in my opinion. As it’s written to wives, it feels a little odd reading it, as a husband, almost the whole way through the book, I felt a bit like I wasn’t involved in the conversation, just listening in on one, but that said, it was a good conversation I was listening in on, and I love the topic, so that didn’t really phase me too much.
So, what’s in the book?
The book is split up into chapters and subsections. You can either read the book through cover to cover, chapter by chapter, or just pick a section and start reading. They are all self-contained articles (much like a blog), and so you can jump around through the content pretty easily.
Chapter 1 – Kissing
This chapter is all about…wait for it…yep, kissing. No, not oral sex, just kissing (the oral sex comes later, both in the book, and in real life). J goes through types of kisses, tips for kissing, and what to do if your husband’s has bad breath. The chapter opens with this intro:
Ahh, the kiss! That brilliant invention of our Creator that makes us check our breath, cock our heads, plant a big wet one, and hunger for more. Plenty of Christians writing about sex believe that the orgasm is proof that our Creator designed mating for pleasure. While I agree, the kiss is an excellent example as well. After all, kisses are not required for reproduction, so what’s their point?
Puh-leasure, people!
So pucker up and let’s talk about kissing.
Chapter 2 – Cultivating Romance
This chapter is about keeping romance alive in marriage through writing love letters, and suggestions to wives for what to do when their husband is not romantically inclined.
Odds are that at some point in your relationship, your husband was romantic. Maybe it didn’t come naturally and maybe it was only at the beginning, but something he did made you swoon a little.
Keeping romance alive has been the subject of plenty of self-help books, blogs, magazines articles, movies and more. I’m not the truest romantic myself (for instance, I prefer most action films to chick flicks), but I agree that romance is an important aspect of marriage. So how do you keep that spark alive? Let’s delve into non-romantic husbands and love letters.
Chapter 3 – Finding Time
Discussing topics like going to bed together, scheduling sex, quickies make up the content of this chapter.
“We’ve got 15 minutes!”
I fear this statement, or something like it, is said rather often in marriages. But far worse are those who seem to have zero minutes for sexual intimacy. How can couples find time to connect physically when the rest of life demands so much of our time?
Chapter 4 – Getting Ready for Sex
What do you do if you aren’t in the mood for sex? How do you shop for lingerie? How do you prepare for sex? These questions and more are answered in this chapter that deals both with the physical and mental necessities of preparing for sex.
Have you noticed that women in movies always seem ready for sex? As if that’s been on their mind all day long? In reality, most wives spend their day navigating mundane tasks, like performing their day job, determining what to cook for dinner, managing all that laundry.
Alas, sometimes you have to prepare your mind and body for sexual intimacy with your husband. So let’s talk about lingerie and then getting yourself ready for that intimate encounter with your man.
Chapter 5 – Having Oral Sex
I told you it would come up eventually. J discusses whether or not oral sex is okay with God, how to perform oral sex on your husband, and how to receive oral sex for the wife. It’s not an in-depth, blow by blow (pardon the pun, couldn’t help it) tutorial, but more general in content, still, I could see this as extremely useful as a primer on oral sex for the newlywed (or recently awakened).
There is a chapter in Kevin Leman’s excellent book, Sheet Music, about oral sex. I once loaned my copy to a good friend, and her husband looked through the table of contents and immediately flipped to that chapter. There is something very appealing about this practice to some people. So what’s the hubbub all about?
Chapter 6 – Giving a Hand Job
This is a quick tutorial on how to give a hand job. Personally, I like that she addressed that not all men can orgasm from this, because I think a lot of wives think they are doing something wrong by not being able to bring their husbands to orgasm from manual or oral stimulation.
Have you ever considered how handy your opposable thumbs are for sexual intimacy? Being able to hold, grasp, squeeze, and strong with our hands is a wonderful aspect of our human bodies. And we wives can even use our hands to bring great pleasure to our husband’s manhood.
Chapter 7 – Experiencing an Orgasm
Now, here is a chapter I don’t think would ever exist in a similar book for husbands. I’m sure there are husbands who are anorgasmic, but I have yet to meet or hear from them yet. It’s an extremely small percentage of the male population. For wives, however, it’s much higher. So, this chapter tackles how to orgasm, multiple, and simultaneous orgasms.
This might be one of the most asked questions: How do I reach that pinnacle of sexual satisfaction? It’s certainly the subject of plenty of women’s magazine articles. Have you browsed the newsstand lately?
It is true that you will likely enjoy and desire sex more if you can – at least sometimes – experience the physical ecstasy we call “orgasm”.
Chapter 8 – Considering Sexual Positions
This is a good discussion on why you might choose to change up your positions during sex, which can be useful (and why), and which belong in a circus act.
With my odd sense of humor, I am ever so tempted to use the following quote for this section’s intro: “Take your positions” (Jeremiah 46:4). But since the next part is “Put on your helmets. Sharpen your spears, and prepare your armor,” that’s probably not the right choice.
Still, many believe there is a reference to sexual positioning in the Bible, when the Song of Songs wife twice refers to the way her husband holds her. And it doesn’t sound like the “missionary position.”
Chapter 9 – Choosing Location
Turns out the Song of Solomon couple were a bit adventurous. I daresay far more than most of us in terms of location anyways. This chapter is on where not to have sex, and where it might be fun to have sex (other than the bed).
Have you ever wondered where Adam and Eve made love? There’s no master bedroom mentioned in Genesis.
As attached as we’ve gotten to our locked bedroom doors and cushy mattresses, there are plenty of other options for where a married couple can have sex. Let’s explore the pros and cons of various locations.
Chapter 10 – Using Your Body Parts
Don’t want to seem like a dead fish in bed? Well, this is the chapter for you. Get involved, move around, act like you want to be there.
Sex should involve so much of our bodies, as we touch, kiss, and join together in this intimate act to express and foster love. So let’s discuss how to use your various body parts in lovemaking: your mouth, your arms, your legs, your hips etc.
Chapter 11 – Dealing with a Low-desire Husband
I’m very glad J included this chapter. As far as I can gather, in 25-33% (a quarter to a third) of marriages, the husband has a lower drive than the wife, and in about 10% of all marriages, it seems the husband is actively refusing his wife. This is something that is rarely talked about, but is causing a lot of suffering in women, particularly when they feel alone.
Are you the higher-drive spouse? In some marriages, the wife is the one who desires sex more frequently and more intensely. That doesn’t make you weird. It makes you like 15-25% of wives (statistics vary).
But sometimes, higher-drive wives feel like Vaquita porpoises (look it up; they’re among the most endangered species). But forget the porpoise, and let’s talk purpose. What’s your mission as a higher-drive wife?
Chapter 12 – Addressing Physical Pain
We’ve had this issue in our own marriage. Sadly, we didn’t know what to do. We weren’t very good at communicating then, so I wasn’t aware how bad it was, and my wife was too scared to seek help. So, we suffered through sex (or a lack of sex) for years. J addresses this topic and offers some guidance.
I wish I could say that God is completely opposed to any and all pain. But when you read the story of God’s people, you find that He’s not against letting us suffer through pain for His higher purposes. Honestly, this life is going to be have some pain, but God will help us bear it.
Sexual pain is not in that category. When it comes to sexual intimacy, God is definitely in favor of health and pleasure. There isn’t some higher purpose in physically hurting when you don’t need to. Let life hand you lemons when it must, but sex with your husband should be more like chocolate. Right?
Chapter 13 – Defining “Christian Sex”
This chapter is where the theology really ramps up (though it’s peppered throughout the book, as it should be). Did you ever think about the gospel (not just God) being in the bedroom? Can’t say I did until this chapter.
The clearest way of expressing my mission in writing a Christian sex blog is: “Christians need to reclaim sexuality.”
Satan and the world have tried to make it theirs – although a twisted version of what God created. It’s not theirs. It belong to God and to His people. To married Christians. At least the best sex does…the sex that pleases one another, expresses covenant love, and grows intimacy.
But what is “Christian sex”? What does our spiritual faith have to do with physical pleasure?
Quite a lot actually.
Chapter 14 – Bonus: Calling Us to Ministry
This chapter is a call to action. We need to start being more comfortable talking about sex as a gift from God, when experienced in the proper context: marriage. We do an excellent job as a church, as ministries, telling people not to have sex unless they are married. But we utterly fail to tell them, once their married, “Hey, sex is awesome! Go have lots of it!” We have created a culture of shame around sex so that married couples almost feel ashamed to have sex. And because of that, many couples aren’t getting the help they need in this area when things don’t go as God intended.
There is a growing awareness that individual Christians and church communities need to speak up, not merely against ungodly sexuality but also in favor of godly sexuality.
Speaking up isn’t always easy. Some believe we shouldn’t talk about it because the act itself is between two exclusive, committed persons. But God doesn’t shy away from the subject of sex. It’s all through Scripture. We can have a public conversation about sex without compromising our ultimate privacy.
So let’s join Peter and John in their prayer: “Enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness” – Acts 4:29b
Summary
That’s the book. I hope I’ve given you enough information for you to make an informed decision. If you like the book can be purchased at amazon (and THANK YOU J for making the kindle price nearly half the printed price. I’m sick of these books where a printed product is the same price as the digital). My wife has not read it yet, so she’s not commenting today, but I shared bits and pieces with her as I was reading, because they were funny, and I wanted to share them. I think that’s the great thing about adding humour to sex, it makes you want to share it, and it makes it easier to share. This book does that very well.
Your Turn
Have you read J’s book “Sex Savvy”? I gave my thoughts, what are yours?
Aaand, again, I lose out…what about the low drive wife who doesn’t like reading…what’s a guy to do? And I suspect that there are more than just a very few of us in this kind of relationship, and it very rarely gets addressed. Where do we find help?
That’s an honest and excellent question. And honestly, even with the low-drive spouses who like reading…they typically don’t like reading about sex.
Unfortunately, there is no magic pill. We’re trying to address it, but it’s a difficult topic. There is no guaranteed solution.
Have you read my wife’s post: How to talk to a refuser?
My hugest apology….So sorry Jay, your review was excellent…well written, with enough tidbits from the book to help me make an informed decision. Well done!
It’s OK, I know how frustrating it is. Thank you for this second comment, I appreciate it.
@Kevin; I’m honoured to call you a brother in Christ – way to climb out of the victim mentality right into a victorious man of God!!
So the real question is how to encourage, motivate, goad or otherwise get a wife to read this without seeming like just a boorish (insert phallic reference here)?
Got any suggestions?
….there was no comments when I posted my question so I was not repeating at the time…. but it seems we are not alone in our frustrations are we.
Oh, and it was a good review. 🙂
Robyn, Dennis…thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. JD…I did read the refuser blog, but in all honesty…it is not fair to call my wife a refuser; our frequency at this point in our lives is much better than it was in the past; I have read posts elsewhere (cf. TMB) that say any ‘delay’ is a refusal…I am not sure that I can completely agree with that position; just for background…we were married at 20, and have currently been married for 30+ years; early in our marriage I REALLY struggled with frequency…it was never often enough to keep me from straying into temptation…and sometimes there still isn’t enough; however, any time we have tried to have a discussion about this, she always backs into the martyr mentality, saying that “everything is always her fault”…to which I respond…”no it’s not all your fault, but I want to talk about it”…but that is where the conversation usually dies, because I have never been able to figure out a way to move the conversation forward.
This post has sounded way more negative than my life currently is, but I am just positive that there are an awful lot of husbands who are probably, and currently, struggling in silence like I did for so many years…that I wish there was some specific resource available for that particular situation. Currently, we are working and averaging about 3 times a week, and that is a reasonable balance for our current work/family life situation.
Thank you in advance for your help and support.
Kevin
I see. So, it’s more about attitude than frequency?
I would say that it is 50/50…she loves it once she gets there, but if left up to her, she could go 2wks before it would ever cross her mind.
Ok, yeah, I recognize that mentality. You said she’s not a reader. I don’t suppose she’d listen to podcasts though either, eh?
I asked my wife just the other day “why does this have to be so hard?”
The thing is, she doesn’t have the answer either.
Jay once posted a “cycle” that I thought was rather intuitive and probably pervasive in most sexually dysfunctional relationships. Maybe he could reference it here….?
Some cycles differ though as we age and time refines our bad habits. 10 years looks different than 5, 20 looks a lot different than 10, and 30-40…. night and day. WE all change over time and our cycle changes too I believe, at least in some minor details. With time and age comes deep seated bitterness and perceived ingratitude ramps up frustrations and anger.
Our current cycle: If I pursue gamely with confidence every time I feel inclined, I’m a boorish p…k only interested in sex. If I lay back and wait, I’m eternally frustrated because not having sex is just fine with her and so then it doesn’t happen. I get frustrated, which leads to despair, which leads to depression and/or anger. This prompts her to respond with “pity sex” or “medicinal sex” – which is almost worse than no sex – and is in no way a positive influence on her wanting sex otherwise. This is a hard one to break out of. It takes positive moves from both parties. Therein lies the problem. How to inspire positively to motivate a partner to want to change and meet the other partner somewhere in the middle? …and be enthusiastic about the change?
The cycles were in a post called Is Sex a Need or a Want
We’re still trying to figure out how we went from the cycle you described to what we have now. For example, our relationship is radically different now. I lead more, we talk more, we laugh more. Is that because of the attitude/frequency of sex changing, or did it change because of the relationship changing. I honestly don’t know yet. That’s one of the reasons for all these surveys. I’m trying to find a pattern. What causes marriages that have good sex lives to have good sex lives.
As we all agree, it doesn’t work just to say “have more sex”, or to tell our spouses “you need to want sex more”. So, what is it? I’m afraid I don’t have the answer. But I am looking.
I do think a large portion of the answer is in the relationship outside of the bedroom. But when I think about that in my case, what happens in the bedroom seems to flavor everything outside of it. What ends up happening is there is no peace and happiness found in or out. That is what kills so many marriages I think.
For me, us, I have come to the conclusion that the majority of the work must go on outside the bedroom. When I think back to how and what I did when I was trying to get her into my life, my bedroom – those things are still viable in principle. They would still work in some ways to draw her to me. That is all I can do in the end. All I can do is try to foster the friendship, the foundational parts of any relationship, that brought us together in the first place. I mean no woman wants to have sex with a grumpy, pouty, angry…… whatever other distasteful mood ending in “y” man. So it is my challenge to not be that guy, and to do so without much outside motivation from her. That is hard and it takes much faith. It is the essence of lovingly serving someone with no expectation of recompense. It is truly dying to oneself and having faith that God will repay, even if it is not in our time but His. We must be able to do this without being defeatist.
One thing that is true, even if it is very hard to accept, is that we can not attach/base our self-worth or contentment on the actions of others. Doing so will only guarantee disappointment.
…..dang, that got way too heavy….
Thank you, Dennis. Well stated. I’ve been going through these same issues for years. I even went to Christian counseling this year to try to help myself. It’s hard. I think it takes grace, to handle the issue, God’s Grace! It’s a work in progress. God Bless.
Dennis…Our current cycle: If I pursue gamely with confidence every time I feel inclined, I’m a boorish p”k only interested in sex. If I lay back and wait, I’m eternally frustrated because not having sex is just fine with her and so then it doesn’t happen. I get frustrated, which leads to despair, which leads to depression and/or anger. This prompts her to respond with “pity sex” or “medicinal sex” – which is almost worse than no sex – and is in no way a positive influence on her wanting sex otherwise…
You have hit it on the head…no pun intended…that is the exact cycle that we have move through from, probably our 5th yr thru our 25th yr of marriage; in some ways, what I wanted is what I got which is what I don’t want…let me explain…What I Wanted: before we were married, all she wanted to be was a mother, which was what I wanted in a gf/wife because I knew I wasn’t really good with kids. What I Got: a wife who was totally dedicated to her children (and I love them to death as well), so much so that she didn’t return to the work force until after they were in grade school; she looked after them well. What I Don’t Want: she has been so “otherly” focused, she does not know how to now focus on our marriage…it has always just been there in the background as a support infrastructure without any real tending or attention. We are currently “temporary empty nesters” (they are both in Univ), and we are currently trying to figure out how best to tend to each other, but even that is a struggle. In my estimation, we are still not ‘really’ communicating on as deep a level as we could/should, however, she thinks we are doing just fine…:/ As I said previously, any time I try and move into a deep level conversation, she takes it as an attack on her, and moves into martyr mentality…and nothing gets fixed. However, in every other area of our life, we are both on exactly the same page…it is just this intimacy issue that seems to create issues.
Regarding the audio books: we have talked about that in just the last couple of weeks, and she was quite agreeable to that, however, there are so few current issued books that come in audio format…it is hard enough getting them in ebook format; this book is a perfect example…Savvy Sex…what are the chances that it is available in ebook, much less audio…probably slim to nill…and then again, yes there will be the pricing issue.
I apologize…I really am not this negative a person…just that this one area has been a long standing sore spot.
Thank you all for reading…Kevin
I think its described our marriage right from the start. It was bad enough the once (occasionally twice) a week sex when I was asking every single day (and having him constantly accuse me of being a sex addict for wanting sex three times a week – keeping in mind we are newlyweds in our early 30s too).
But now we have a baby and I’m too exhausted to daily try initiation and too depressed to deal with constant rejection, I’m only trying to initiate 1-2 a week and only getting sex once a month. Baby is 3 months old and we’ve only done it 3 times.
And my husband has no problems with that. He thinks it’s fine and normal. And I’m too exhausted to keep trying to change his mind
Thanks so much for the fabulous review, Jay Dee! I’m humbled (and pleased).
By the way, hubbies…what to do with a wife who won’t read a book like this? One thought I had was that there are more and more of us speaking on this topic. I’d love to see healthy Christian sexuality discussed at church women’s retreats and ladies’ days, in Bible classes, and at marriage events. I suspect some wives be could reached this way (for example, a Girl Talk event from Sheila Gregoire)…and then they might be more willing to read a book like mine. Perhaps some hubbies could talk to their pastors about the need to cover this topic and thus support Christian marriages.
Hi J,
Thank you for chiming in here. I couldn’t agree with you more in every point of your reply. It has long been a huge growl of my that the church at large has done a fabulous job of educating and ingraining “Good Girls Don’t” as a Sexuality 101 course, but they have done an absolutely miserable job at running the follow-up course of “Good Wives Do!!!” as a Sexuality 400 level course. And I would love to be involved in helping churches set up those kinds of workshops, but I don’t know how well a male organizer would be accepted.
On another note, what economic model would be attractive enough for you to get involved with creating an audiobook of your current work? Just curious.
Thank you for your input…Kevin
Thanks, Kevin! It’s on my list to make SEX SAVVY into an audio book. I just need about 36 hours in a day, and I’m good to go. LOL.
In other words, it’s not the economy of money for me. It’s the economy of time. Guess I should move that up on my to-do list? 🙂
First of all, Kevin & Dennis – I’m right there with you guys. Been married almost 23 yrs. I, too, really have nothing to complain much about – sure a little more frequency, a little more initiation on her part, and a little more variety would be nice… but I’m certainly not being refused by any means. It’s just that now I’m trying to move beyond all the frustration, wasted time, selfishness & damage I’ve done from my past immaturities during the youth of our marriage and mature/grow into true intimacy with my wife. Have found tons of help & hope in blogs (such as this one as well as Hot,Holy,Humorous – many thanks Jay Dee & J !) & I’m really embracing it all. But I can’t seem to get her very interested in doing the same & communicating about it is challenging. It would just be nice to do this “awakening” in our marriage more united as a team instead of me feeling like I’m either pushing her or dragging her along into it. I would love nothing more than for her (on her own initiative mind you) to take interest in a book like Sex Savvy. First of all, just doing that would speak volumes: that she does care about not only her role in our marital sexual relationship, but also about me, and that she finds importance in nurturing and improving it…for both of us. Somehow me buying the book and putting it under her pillow would kind of make me feel like that boorish p…k. Do you think I’m weird for wanting to read a book actually intended for my wife? Do you think I’d find more encouragement from reading it, or disappointment & frustration? Thanks for any suggestions.
Joe, Kevin, Dennis et al- I know frequency is a big deal and anybody who says it isn’t is lying or asexual. Now frequency doesn’t necessarily mean very often, but often enough that both spouses are content with the arrangement. If once a month works, it works. I personally don’t think that is near enough for any number of reasons, but if both agree, so be it. I think most men would be content to have sex 3 to 5 times a week. We all think more I know and so do I, but when life makes demands on our energy and time we find daily-or-more-often sex to be a pipe dream. It might happen, but not regularly or often. I love steak, but not every day for three weeks straight, you know?
So once the frequency issue is removed from the equation, what we men really want is 1) our wives to want sex in the same way we do and to the degree we do, and 2) we want to feel desired and lusted after by our wives. Yes, I did say “lusted after.”
We don’t want to feel like if we do not initiate, it will never happen. That says to us, you can take or leave sex. IF YOU CAN TAKE OR LEAVE SEX, WHAT IS OUR PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE? Anyone else can provide for your well-being in the same way we do. Maybe not as well; maybe better. We want to feel you are with us because you love us beyond someone else and because of that love you also desire and need our intimate company. When you married us, you committed to an exclusive sexual relationship with us and us to you. We are not supposed to seek out options to fulfill that need in our lives. That is YOUR job (How’m I doin’ Robyn?) and duty sex is not what we want. We want you to come to the sharing with the same passion and devotion that we do. If you can’t do that, don’t expect us to buy you a vibrator and wait in the wings for the batteries to run out. If you don’t have a valid medical reason and are in an otherwise reasonably healthy marriage, you have and obligation just like us. All we ask is that you value it as much as we do, then the frequency issues will sort themselves out and it will become about quality and not quantity.
I don’t know how to get them to read the books or blogs either. Trying to make that happen always seems to become, “You aren’t pleased with our sex life or me and I’m doing all I can or know how.” Why are they so willing to look at and desire to own a dozen cookbooks in admission that they do not know how to cook everything but still desire variety, but do not regard their sexual relationship with their husband as a highly similar situation with similar circumstances? I don’t get it either. It certainly can lead to despair to accept that your wife just isn’t all that interested in sex, but get out a bunch of summer vacation brochures in the middle of winter and they’ll be all she wants to talk about up to the moment you leave the house, then the switch clicks and she goes into vacation/hotel sex mode. Go figure.
Dan–
“Why are they so willing to look at and desire to own a dozen cookbooks in admission that they do not know how to cook everything but still desire variety, but do not regard their sexual relationship with their husband as a highly similar situation with similar circumstances?”
Wow. I am so with you! I have asked this exact same question, almost verbatim, to my own wife. We think alike you and me. The answer, of course, is that sex is different. God didn’t create food to be mans helpmeet, but his wife. There is a sacredness, a oneness and an intimacy that sex is that food is not. But I still agree with you wondering how she can study and research (name your topic) via Google, Library, friends, etc., but be so resistant to receive similar instruction on sex.
Well, Mister Survey. I wonder if we husbands are wrong in assuming that most wives would be offended/hurt if we basically said, “This is what I want and this is how I want it done.” Is it possible they desire guidance over experimenting and “failing?” I don’t mean instruction in a D/s type of way, but in a straight-up (accidental pun) informational exchange. We, the imperial we that is, keep talking about this type of communication as desired for a better relationship, but I wonder if it may not be absolutely necessary when a man wants to make a change in his sexual relationship with his wife. Should we be “drawing a picture” for them. Is it possible that “picture” is really what they may want and is needed. I have heard more than once, “I don’t know what you want me to do or want of me.” Are we frustrating them by assuming too much in the way we wish they thought about sex and need to be more direct. Is this a direct correlation to the old saw about how women will read the instructions and men will just throw the parts out there and start putting things together. So, finally, the leading survey questions are, “Do you want more specific guidance/instruction from your husband as to what he wants sexually,” and “Do you want specific guidance/instruction as to how he wants things done for optimal pleasure?” Or some such thing. 🙂
A little late here… I’m obviously not able to speak for the wives referenced in the comments above but often women are incredibly insecure in their body, their knowledge of sex, and their freedom as a sensual and godly woman. These are deep fears. The insecurity in their heart is so sensitive that any insinuation that of lacking can feel like salt in a wound. I find men cannot even imagine how incredibly devastating a woman feels when she doesn’t feel beautiful (even if it’s all in her own mind). As Joyce Penner says: “A man gets turned on by what he sees. A woman gets turned on by how she feels about herself.” Making her feel beautiful, cherished and loved leading up to and in love making (as we as every other time of the day) is key to helping her want it more. I really enjoyed J’s book as well and I am all about women learning about sex; it’s needed. Men though can be proactive as well and learn about how to make their wives feel wonderful about themselves before, foreplay and during sex. If your wife doesn’t understand your needs it’s entirely possible that you are also missing hers. Either way, if you get her needs met so profoundly she’ll be in a much better place to then discuss how you’re feeling about your needs. To get to that place though you may need to have a season of serving so that she feels very cherished and loved. Then a candid conversation can take place where she feels more secure and loved and will be open to hear you.
Jay Dee. Thanks for the review.
So I have a question for you? Is it possible to talk TOO MUCH about sex? Or TOO DETAILED about technique? I think we both agree that sex is a sacred act between husband and wife alone. So isn’t it inappropriate to share such intimate details about sex “how-to” and technique in a public forum or book? Is that nothing more than virtual voyeurism, peeling back the curtain to the bedroom, revealing what should be reserved only for husband/wife? Aren’t detailed books like this doing nothing more than creating discontent causing one to doubt, despair, or compare my spouse with “that” one? Or causing “performance anxiety” because he/she doesn’t “do that”.?
Sadly, in my opinion, those wives (and marriages) who most need to read this kind of book, won’t touch it. And men, if you think your wife needs this book, DO NOT run out and buy it for her!! I can assure you it will not be received in the way you intend it. How do you get her interested? That’s a mystery as deep as marriage itself! 😀
Hope Jay Dee doesn’t mind me piping up here. Obviously, since I wrote the book, I don’t think I’ve gone too far. But I know personally and from having talked to many women about this, sometimes a tip from a good friend is so very helpful in opening us wives up to engage and enjoy the sexual act more. We don’t always know what a healthy sex life looks like, how to increase our pleasure and his, how to feel deeply connected, etc., and we don’t know who to ask. So I try to cover these topics in an open, biblical, and respectful way. Even with everything I write about sex, however, I guarantee my own marital intimacy is a private affair.
Thanks. Eager to see what Jay Dee says!
You’re always welcome to comment, as is everyone else, author or no.
Yes, it’s possible. I think sometimes there is either a thin line or a really wide grey area (I’m not sure which) between bragging and instructing.
I never write a post or comment with the intention of bragging. It is always my hope that it will give hope, or uplift someone, or teach them something, or offer a new perspective. I’m aware sometimes it may come across the wrong way (particularly if you are hurting in that area). We have a natural tendency to believe that those who have more than us (regardless of the area of life) are lording it over us.
Assuming the writer (of whatever it may be) has good intentions, I think the reader has a huge responsibility themselves. Yes, it is our tendency to be jealous, to be greedy, to be covet, but we can fight it. We can be happy for others who have what we don’t. We can set goals to achieve the things we do not have. We can be content where we are, without being content to stay where we are. This is one of the major struggles within the Christian faith: to be happy with what we have and where we are in life, and yet constantly strive for more, to get closer to God, to have better relationships, whatever (not talking about material things).
And this has been a long ongoing conversation between my wife and I. She always used to say “You’re never satisfied, it’s never enough, you always want more.” She’s beginning to realize now, that it can be both. You can be satisfied, content with where your marriage is, and yet, still yearn for more. And I think that’s how it should be. I take this lesson from God. Does he love us while we are still sinners? Of course. Is He content to leave us that way? No. Does that mean He’s unhappy with our progress, with our relationship, with our service? Again, no. But, He’s going to constantly push us to reach closer to him, to serve more, live as we were intended.
And so, I follow God’s model. Rejoicing in every gain, being content with where we are, but yearning, longing for even more. Because every time we think “wow, we got this marriage thing figured out now”, a few months down the road, we realize we didn’t have a clue what we were talking about, that NOW, we have this marriage thing figured out…
I don’t know if that answered the question…it sort of got away on me.
I guess we each have to decide, by bringing up sex, are we causing “undue suffering” or harm? Or are we trying to help our spouse, though it may be painful, to grow. I think sometimes we need to hit sore spots in order to grow in marriage. I think too many of us just sit back and lament about how it should be. I’m not above causing some pain in my marriage in order for it to grow. In fact, the biggest growth times in our marriage involved tears and fighting and really difficult discussions.
As for how you get her interested? In a book, you don’t. In marriage, well, that’s going to be different for every marriage I think, and in the end, there is no guarantee. The best you can do is make yourself a better spouse, which doesn’t mean making your spouse happy. It means fighting to bring joy to the marriage, though that path might lead through some suffering.
Very well put. I think you are right on. And J, I’m very glad that you have taken this difficult area on ministry. Just this morning as I observed my wife curl her hair so elegant and beautifully getting ready for church. It was a technical (and skillful) ability she used to get her hair to do what she wanted. I asked myself, hmmm, I wonder how she figured out that technique to making herself beautiful? Did she fumble around blindly alone by herself until she almost by accident figured out what worked (hardly likely). Or did she see a picture online or a character in a movie or find a book on hairstyles how-to or you-tube video or asked someone she knows that guided her to achieve the results she did (most likely). I only wish she approached our sex life the same way… well, not like in the movies, but I think you know what I mean. Your work I think is sorely needed among the body of Christ today. Eecially in light of the battles being fought, and sadly lost, in the workplace and in Hollywood and at home.
Thank you!
I’m definitely intrigued. Will have to have a look at it.
Thanks!
Very helpful thanks
This book isn’t available anymore