Did you know that today, statistically, your marriage is at higher risk than any other day? Tomorrow is the day after Mother’s Day, and if you have kids, and you didn’t make your wife feel appreciated for being their mother, then chances are, your relationship will be at its yearly low tomorrow.
AshleyMadison.com (not linked on purpose), is a site founded to helping married couples find extra-marital romantic relationships (which, frankly, I find disgusting as a business concept: in my mind, it’s akin to selling guns specifically to suicide candidates). They have released statistics to say that the day after Mother’s Day of 2012, they saw a 439% increase in membership over any other Monday. What does this mean? This means 15,000 people (ostensibly, mostly mothers) decided to sign up and find an affair partner on that day.
Why is that?
Well, Mother’s Day, more so than Valentine’s Day it seems, causes mothers to reflect on their relationship. Many spent so much time with the kids, sacrifice so much to their family, that if the one day of the year goes by where you are basically obligated to say SOMETHING about this massive ministry in her life. If you absolutely fail to, they start to question whether or not you are the right spouse, and frankly, for good reason. I am definitely not condoning having an affair: I think a situation like that needs some serious communication instead of running away and not facing the issue. If you’re struggling with these thoughts, please reach out and get some help for your marriage.
Furthermore, most husbands who don’t show appreciation on Mother’s Day generally aren’t showing appreciation year-round. Mother’s Day just brings that into clear focus. All that neglected time piles up and Mother’s Day is the day that it finally hits the roof.
So, if you forgot Mother’s Day, if your wife didn’t seem happy at the end of it, or if you generally don’t tell her frequently that you appreciate what she does: you might want to start doing some serious relationship mending before AshleyMadison.com has another customer…
If that day comes to pass, and once again what [women] experience is a lack of appreciation, affection and respect, that is when the idea of taking on a potential lover takes full form.
Noel Biderman (founder of AshleyMadison.com)
Your Turn
Mother’s: How was your Mother’s Day? If you were disappointed, did you talk to your husband about it?
Father’s: How are you feeling right now? Worried, or feeling like you dodged a bullet?
And if you need help with your marriage, please check out our marriage coaching services before you get sucked into an affair.
That’s alarming!!
My Mother’s Day was blessed especially considering it carried the heavy weight of my oldest daughter and mother of my grandson being deployed to Kuwait. I’m very blessed to have a considerate husband who even chooses greeting cards carefully. As well as considerate adult daughters.
That’s not to say there hasn’t been times in Mother’s Day past when I might’ve felt a bit cheated and a little underappreciated. A great many of the past Mother’s Days {yesterday was an exception but the previous three} have been spent at dance recitals for my now 20 year old and six year old. That’s not set up on purpose. It is what it is. Every time that occurred my mother would joyfully respond, “It’s not Sophie’s fault.” or “Courtney’s . . . ” when Courtney was younger and in dance. Mom willingly came to the recitals forfeiting her “entitlement” or rights to her own day. Mom’s responses were always a huge testament to me that Mother’s Day may be about us mothers but it’s because we do indeed have children.
So if the day ends up about them in a dance recital, so be it. Still, I often had to swallow hard and not pout. The men generally complained. On our behalf, of course. Surely not because they had to sit in a dance recital for hours on end. *wink*
All that to say that I’ve come to realize that there are times when even the best of intentions on our husbands’ part can end up disappointing, not measuring up. But here’s the newsflash–they aren’t moms!!! They shouldn’t be expected to morph into supermom and take full control and make no mistakes.
Go easy, ladies! We need to show grace. And through prayer, share our hurts wisely. Because I think we all know pouting and whining {let alone vengeance or **shudder** seeking extramarital affairs} is ineffective and in fact, countereffective. Let’s trust the Lord to work in these areas. He’s faithful.
I’m glad you had a good mother’s day!
We’re not in that phase where the children have events to go to yet, but it’s coming, I’m sure.
I think many men, in an attempt to make a statement against “Hallmark Holidays” go out of their way to avoid recognizing Mother’s Day (and Valentine’s Day too). This is a mistake. On a day when every other woman in the world is being doted on, to be the only one on the block who isn’t would be beyond painful. If you don’t like the commercialism, you can still honor your wife for being the mother of your children. I have also heard men say “she’s not MY mother… I don’t need to get her a gift…. ” Again, big mistake.
And then of course there are those men who are just unappreciative in general and don’t do anything to show appreciation to their wives ever. So sad. I’m sure these are the women seeking affection elsewhere. Mother’s Day is another day that reminds them how unappreciated they are. Tragic.
Agreed, that “she’s not my mother” argument doesn’t hold any weight in my mind either.
That is EXACTLY what my husband said to me yesterday. My son made me a present at school, which he gave to me on Friday before I left for work. That was IT! I got nothing from my husband. His other excuse was he hadn’t had time to get to the store. Like Mother’s Day was a complete surprise
. We have had this argument before. He KNOWS how I feel about it and yet he chose to disrespect me once again. He made a POINT to purchase a gift for HIS mother, who’s 89 and lives with us but for me, the woman who gave birth and takes care of his son, nothing. I didn’t even get a dinner made for me. I had weight loss surgery 4 years ago. He made hot dogs and tater tots for our son and himself. He KNOWS those are things that I cannot eat. I’ve gained a few pounds back and he’s lectured me on eating better and this is what he offered me for dinner on MOTHER’S DAY!
That has been my hubby’s line for 30 years. It has been and is a bone of contention for me. He doesn’t care. Says it doesn’t matter. I pretend it doesn’t, but it is hard to be the only mom you know that isn’t acknowledged by her hubby without a fight or nagging. I hope (and think succeeded) I have taught our son better. He got me chocolates.
My Mother’s Day was not recognized by my husband. He picked something out for my daughter to give me, but it was not from her. Why do they do that? He then left us girls at home and went to spend the rest of the day with his mom in the hospital.
I love him and want no one else but him. Not planning on visiting any websites for any extras. Just wish I could have my husband.
Sometime we (men) are pretty dense. Have you told him, calmly, how this made you feel?
He might also be thinking “My mom is in the hospital, she needs me more than my wife who is healthy.” or “My mom is dying, I have limited time with her, but all the time in the world with my wife” (don’t know the specifics of the situation) Which are ultra-rational decisions with no thought for how it would effect you emotionally. Sounds like something one of us guys would do.
As for your daughter’s gift, sometimes we (adults) dismiss what children want, or do, in favor of what we believe is a superior act/choice. We do it without thinking sometimes. He could have been thinking “I know she’ll appreciate this more than the rock my daughter thought looked pretty”. (and yes, my kids have brought rocks home as gifts).
I guess my point is: more (loving) communication can help almost any situation. Maybe try discussing it with him. Don’t be argumentative, don’t accuse, just express how it makes you feel. Heavy on the “I” statements. Light on the “you” statements. If it gets heated, back off and reschedule after you (both) have calmed down.
It was a mixed bag here. Much appreciation was expressed by myself and the kids, but there was something that happened the day before that wound up with us having a big 2 hour discussion and I think we both came away with our hearts feeling a little bruised from it. Not worried about her going looking for somebody else, but I wish it could have happened another day and not taint Mother’s Day with it.
That’s hard in situations like that. Sometimes timing can’t be helped. Perhaps make another effort next weekend to “make up” for the tainted mother’s day this weekend?
My personal opinion is that it IS Mother’s Day and I would expect my hubby to do something special for his mother on that day rather than me (although I am not a mom YET). I get Valentine’s, my birthday, our anniversary to spend with him. I would not begrudge his mother some special time with him. It allows me to do something for my mother. I do have a hubby who hated the Hallmark holidays and the feelings of obligation placed by society but I knew that long before I married him. 😉 He is also far better than average at making random days special for me just because so I have chosen to have lower expectations for things like Mother’s Day. For now it seems quite easy enough, perhaps I’ll feel differently later in life but I also feel like he will still acknowledge these days in a way that’s special to me. If I find my feelings change later on I will get another opportunity to practice communication, right? 🙂
Absolutely!
I was not trying to say that wives should feel slighted if their husband doesn’t make the day about them. Merely that husbands should be careful if they don’t know their wife’s thoughts on the day. I’m very happy you two are on the same page.
A couple years ago the only present I got for Mother’s Day was a homemade card…my husband had our son scribble on a scrap of contruction paper with plain pencil while I was walking down the stairs Mother’s Day morning. I wish I could say that was an all-time low for our relationship but it wasn’t. Things got much, much worse before they got better.
I remember at one point sitting down and explaining to my husband that the first step in helping our son to have a respectful relationship with his future wife was to teach him to respect me, his mother, while he was still young. I told my husband, whether we stay married or get divorced, we still need to do what is best for our children and part of that means showing them that they are to honor their parents. This isn’t about you and me, its about passing on a valuable lesson to our son about showing love, respect, and appreciation for the women who care for him.
My husband agreed that it was in our son’s best interest to form a strong bond with me and he also agreed that Mother’s Day is a great opportunity for him to help teach our son respect and appreciation.
Thankfully we’ve managed to turn our marriage around and yesterday was actually the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had. But even if we hadn’t been able to fix our marital problems, I still believe that it would have been a good Mother’s Day because of that conversation we had about the benefits of Mother’s Day for our son.
It’s so important that we model good behaviours to our children, particularly in the marriage relationship. There is so much bad modeling going on from movies, and other media, that we need to counter-act.
I’m glad your marriage has turned around. I know many people who “will never get married” because their parents got divorced. So many of these types of actions impact the family for generations to come.
I can appreciate this post and I think it is horrible that a man would not make a big deal out of Mother’s Day. He should show appreciation and pampering to the mother of his children, especially if he is still married to them. Any guy that does not do so, is plain wrong.
However, I would love to see the stats from Ash/Mad – to know if all the new clients were ladies or if they were men. I come at it from a little different thought. I have always done a lot for my wife on Mother’s day. Last year I spent over $600.00 on Mother’s necklace that she wanted, I had our kids get her presents, make cards, and we spent the whole day making a big to do over her. (At the time I was working two jobs and it was hard to get all of this done.) You think she would be grateful for all of that don’t you? Kind of, I got a hug, a kiss, and a thank you, but there was little to no enthusiasm there. I would have settled for her being really happy about it, smiling a lot, and giving me a big, long hug. But no, no enthusiasm. This year was not much different, I got her something that she wanted, needed, and had been looking at. Again I made sure the kids did not neglect her, I cooked a dinner she asked for, kept the kids from the computer so we could spend time together. Again, I was thanked, with little to no enthusiasm.
Today, I am feeling under appreciated and under loved. I do not desire to go to someplace like Ash/Mad, because I know that is wrong. However on this day I know that I have been sad and wonder what my life would be like if I had married someone else. I can easily see how after the way I have been treated the last couple of Mother’s Days, why some men would be likely to go to a website to find someone who would appreciate him more. Yes, I know it is still wrong and that is why I won’t go, but my motto is ‘Death before Dishonor.” In other words, the only way I would ever divorce my wife is if she cheated on me and I don’t believe she ever would and in reality, for the sake of my kids, I might stay any way. However, I know I am a little different there.
Ash/Mad’s stat does make me wonder though.
I”m curious, have you read the book The 5 Love Languages? Perhaps she is just not being shown love in a manner she is tuned to. Not saying for sure, just an option.
I understand what you’re saying though, that’s extremely frustrating, and we have some similar frustrations in our marriage that we’re working on.
But I disagree with your sentiment of “stay together for the kids”. Not that I think you should get divorced, or separate, but the kids aren’t enough. Continue to fight for your marriage, don’t give up and just say “well, I’ll stick around for the kids and be miserable”. We know for a fact that kids not only pick up on whether mom & dad are still married to base their future relationships on, but also what the quality of the relationship is like. If you’re going to stay together for the kids, then you might as well continue to fight for a good marriage “for the kids”, and for yourself.
This sacrificial “I’ll tough if out” idea isn’t helping anyways. Your kids will see marriage as a hypocrisy, and that is not the legacy you want to leave them.
I agree with Jay Dee that it really sounds like you and your wife have different love languages, and that can really cause problems when one spouse tries so hard to show love and the other barely seems to acknowledge it.
If you aren’t familiar with the concept I’ll sum it up for you- everyone gives and receives love in 5 different basic ways- gift giving, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. You can go to this link- http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ – and take the quiz to find out which ones you associate love with more, and if your wife is willing to do it you can find hers out too.
Sounds like gift giving and acts of service may be at the top of your list, but maybe they are at the bottom of hers. It’s such a shame to have such loving spouses not being able to fully understand each other’s love!
I have read the 5 love languages. It is a good book. The funny thing, is when I talk to her about what her love language is, she is not sure and she thinks it changes from day to day. It makes it really tough.
See if she is willing to take the quiz on the site. It may be that she is very close in multiple categories, or she may be even across the board, but the quiz is more likely to determine that than asking outright. I didn’t know what mine were until I took it, once I saw the results, I knew they were real. Before seeing them, my answer would have been “sex”.
I did try to get her to do that once, maybe it is time to try again. She can be interesting to work with some times. Sometimes I think she likes being mysterious and hard to figure out.
Good luck.
Having known some women who treat their husbands very poorly while their husbands spoil them rotten, I’m with you on the possibility that it might not be all women, but rather disgruntled husbands in equal numbers.
I was surprised to hear the author of the post thought it would be primarily women– I would be very surprised if the stats bore that out. The women I have known would not start thinking about going out on their husbands over a bad Mother’s Day- it is sort of oxymoronic. However, there are many men like one who posted above who quietly serve under-appreciative wives. Doing a good Mother’s Day is a no-win for most men because they seek to please their way into her good graces or simply do it out of fear. Most women have no stomach for this, it is a turn-off. Before I learned this I had some very bad Mother’s Days as a husband of 3 daughters–no matter how hard I tried. There would be fault-finding, disappointment, and at the end I would feel used.
The Good news is that this is no more. I learned that no amount of effort to ‘please’ her will work if I’m not Being the Man. And a small amount of effort on the Day will go a long way if you are The Man the rest of your time together. Suffice to say, learning this transformed every aspect of our marriage.
Not enough space to explain all this but I have helped other men and couples gain these insights and the results are impressive.
Prepare to be surprised again. Here’s a quote:
I just read this article, two weeks late, but thought I’d comment anyway. My Mother’s Day was great. Nothing too over the top, but my husband did buy me a beautiful card for him and the kids to sign, then another even better card that had a toilet paper roll on the front and read “Today Don’t Wipe Anyone’s Anything” and he made sure that all day I didn’t have to wipe anyone’s anything, lol. Breakfast in bed, no cooking for the day, he cleaned, etc. Just recognizing the endless work that a stay at home mom does and giving me one day off was all I could ever ask for!
BUT, he hasn’t always handled this holiday so well! The first MD we had he had nothing planned, but he kept saying “oh, I’ve got something special planned” and as the day grew darker it was obvious he was bluffing and stalling and… (if any of you have ever watched the “Health Insurance” episode of The Office, it was exactly like that)
Anyways, after a couple less than great mother’s days he’s figured it out 😉 I don’t need a $50 flower arrangement or jewelry. I just need that recognition from him that my work is never ending, and his appreciation.
Never to late to post a comment! I’m glad your husband figured it out, that sounds like a wonderful mother’s day.
Now, what do you have planned for father’s day?
My husband did nothing for our first mothers day married to him. It’s not for the negative reasons mentioned. It’s not because he has the attitude of “well you’re not my mother” nor did he ignore it because our child is not biologically his. He didn’t do anything for his own mother, other than say happy mothers day and only because I reminded him to with a “don’t forget to say happy mothers day to your mum when you skype her later” (we live 1000 miles from our families so we skype his mum once a week and I call mine whenever I feel like). And he totally respects that I am a mother and from the day we got married, has referred to my daughter as our/his daughter (not “step” daughter) and he treats he like his own and the one area he often says nice to things to me about is being a mother and how he is happy for me to be a full time mother (although he realises I do need to work because his income isn’t enough with another child on the way).
But he’s just not a celebratory person. It was his 30th birthday party last year and he did nothing for it at all. Wasn’t interested in me throwing a party, nothing.
I figure if celebrating special days isn’t important to him and he doesn’t even think to wish his own mum happy mothers day, I can’t complain.
I never asked him to do anything for mothers day, so it doesn’t matter. The only time I’ve been disappointed is on my birthday because I specifically asked him for something (only $60) that I’d been wanting for years and he made it sound like he’d already gotten a gift but didn’t. At least though we had a lovely night out to dinner.
But it wasn’t about doing something on a special day versus not doing something, it was about me being very clear about my expectations and him making it sound like he was going to do something and then not.
If I know not to expect something, I don’t get my hopes up, but if I do, that can be hard. I know not to expect anything for mothers day and wouldn’t be disappointed even if he never does anything for it, and same with birthdays, valentines, christmas etc in general. But it’s the getting of hopes up that I find difficult to deal with.
I think a lot of women need to sit down with their husbands and make it clear what mothers day means to them and what they expect – what is essential (eg is saying “happy mothers day” the only essential thing? or perhaps a simple card? or anything), what is desirable but not essential (is a present desirable? is there a value amount that is desirable etc) and what is unnecessary or perhaps not even needed at all (eg in our case I’ve made it clear to my husband that I’m against cards – I think gifts are far too commercial and bad for the environment so I ask he not give me cards). As long as women are clear with their husbands about what they expect, it tends to work pretty well.
Of course, some men are still clueless about what their wives want, even if it’s spelt out to them (chalk it up to the whole mars vs venus, or simply that no two people think exactly alike so misunderstandings happen), but that is something that grows over time.
After what happened with my birthday, I explained to my husband that the problem wasn’t that he didn’t give me a present, it was that he implied he was giving me one then didn’t. That next time just tell me he isn’t getting one rather than being vague. I won’t be the least bit offended if he just lets me know what is happening. For me, what mattered was we got to go out and have dinner together somewhere nice. That to me is the “essential” of special days like birthdays and valentines day etc. Spending time together doing something specific.
I think when it comes to mothers day or any special day, women just need to clearly explain to men their expectations. Most men seem to be grateful for this – it takes the painful guess work out of trying to work out what their wife wants. Of course you’ll get some men who take it the wrong way and dismiss it as their wife being demanding and bossy, but honestly every good man I’ve spoken to about this issue is grateful for advice on what his wife wants.
Wow, textbook Asperger’s. No, he’s not likely to care about special events (birthdays, mother’s day, etc.) unless he decides it’s one of those societal rules that make no sense, but you still have to do them.
Yes, you must be 100% clear with him. Subtlety will be completely lost. Likewise if you are upset, you must tell him flat out that you are upset and what you are upset about. It is likely his ability to “guess” your mood is diminished, and likewise his ability to intuitively know what you are upset about. If most men aren’t mind reader, people with Aspergers tend to be no face or body language readers as well.
This all can improve, but you both are going to have to learn to communicate in a far more transparent manner.
Coming in really late here.
After my wife said a few things last month I kind of made a unilateral decision that we would not go to church on Mother’s Day ever again.
Let me explain. At our church Mother’s Day is really played up. I mean huge, everything is about how great it is to be a mother, often to the effect that if you aren’t you’re almost not a woman, or are doing something wrong or are selfish if you don’t have children. This really hits us (especially my wife) in the wrong way. NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG, being a mother is wonderful thing and SHOULD be celebrated, more than just once a year in my book, a husband should show appreciation to his wife continuously for being the mother of their children.
Now the explanation: I am on my second marriage and had a vasectomy to try and save my first marriage (completely different story there). I was willing to have a reversal done but before that plan my wife had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons. (Imagine of your period was reversed and the bleeding stopped for 3 -7 days a month.)When you can’t have children and adoption didn’t pan out, it hurts to basically be made to feel almost worthless if you don’t have children. Thus, my wife agreed with me on the no more church on Mother’s Day decision.
I was a little taken aback also at your assumption that most of these new affair seekers were women, I think this is pretty biased. I am ayer many are women, but I can just as easily see husband’s seeking affairs after mother’s day due to feeling unappreciated after trying too show a good day to his wife, especially if this is a pattern, or if he didn’t and his wife tried to talk to him about why this was important to her and he got tired of her “selfish nagging”.
It wasn’t an assumption. But, I agree to the point.