This post is in response to a comment on the Why Do Married Men Masturbate post where a wife’s husband admitted to masturbating and she’s struggling with how to deal with that revelation. I’ve copied the comment below for reference.
Thank you for this post. After reading it, something told me I needed to discuss it with my husband. I found out that my husband has been masturbating. He says it has only been when it has been a while since we were able to have sex. (Like when I have really bad periods lasting like 7 days) On average my husband and I have sex 2 sometimes 3 times a week. I actually thought we were getting closer sexually and the “quality” of sex was much better. So when I asked him, I made sure I was very graceful, understanding, and not judgmental. He says that he always felt very ashamed after. I’m so conflicted now and I don’t know what to do or say. I made sure to make love to my husband after our conversation to show him that I still love him, but I feel so hurt. I have asked him in the past and apparently, he lied. He says he does not use porn, but how do I know this is true? How do I know if he is addicted or it’s just because we didn’t have sex enough? Can a man not make it without sex 7-10 days every once and a while? I realize he was not cheating on me with someone else, but I still feel very hurt by this. How do I move past this? Is this just something women have to learn to deal with?
-Chrissy
Thank you for your comment! I have a few thoughts:
1. First, congratulations are in order!
You have made a huge breakthrough in your marriage. You sound like your focusing too much on the negative. Don’t get me wrong, you have valid concerns. However, you’re ignoring the positive. Your husband has just shared something very personal and very scary. The fact that he’s decided now to answer truthfully means his trust in you is at an all-time high. He feels safe enough to tell you this, and that is amazing. I would say many marriages never reach this point. So, take heart, this is a good thing that you’ve gotten through this. I know it hurts right now and is uncomfortable, but growing rarely is comfortable.
2. It is completely valid that you feel hurt and upset
He’s been hiding a part of himself from you and that’s never a fun thing to learn. I think you need to be open and honest back with your husband. He needs to know your hurting so he can help you through this. Don’t sugarcoat it, but don’t just “unleash” on him either. Sit down, alone, and have a good, adult conversation about your feelings. Ask your questions and share your concerns. After that, try to move past the pain and focus on the new intimacy. Create a new level of transparency in your marriage.
I’m so glad you were able to approach him lovingly and show that you accepted him afterwards by having sex. I hope you were both able to have a bonding experience in that act. You have probably ensured, by doing that, that he will continue to open up more and more to you. You’ve shown him that he’s safe with you and your reactions.
3. How do you know he’s not using porn?
Short answer: you don’t. If you trust your husband, you have to accept what he says. Either he’s telling you the truth, or he’s telling you he doesn’t feel safe enough to tackle his porn addiction yet. In the latter case (which isn’t a sure thing), he needs time to open up more. He just took a huge step, don’t expect him to take another right away. If you want, ask him again in a year, or sooner if you have another huge breakthrough in your marriage. Don’t ask him every week or every month. You will just be telling him you don’t trust his word, and he won’t feel safe, and then you’ll never find out. Again, I want to re-iterate, he might not be using porn, so don’t focus on it, just trust him and love him.
4. Can men go without sex for 7-10 days?
Yes, we can... Do they want to? Most don’t. Does it hurt too? For most, yes: some physically, most emotionally. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to read the post Is Sex A Need Or A Want. It might shed some light on the subject. Without sex, men start to feel alone and unloved very quickly. For me, after a week, I’m fairly miserable.
5. Is this something women just have to deal with?
If you mean their husbands masturbating alone, no, I don’t think so. Why not invite him to masturbate with you/in your presence? This is going to be uncomfortable if you’ve never done it as well. In fact, he may not be able to orgasm the first time or the first few times. It’s very different having sex with someone and masturbating in front of someone. To help, be as involved as you can. Talk to him, kiss him, rub him, have him take short breaks so you can give him oral sex. Tell him you want to see him orgasm/cum/ejaculate/whatever words you use.
If you aren’t comfortable talking during sex, then check out our guide to talking dirty in our store, or on Amazon.
Some guys really get off on the idea of ejaculating on their partners. If he’s into that, encourage it, so long as you’re OK with it. If not, I suggest reading the post How To Spice Up Your Sex Life and evaluating your boundaries. This way, he can stop being ashamed of masturbating, because you’ll be involved and encouraging him. You can still connect, he gets that oxytocin burst with you present, so he bonds to you. And you can keep your sexual relationship alive and even growing during times you can’t have sex.
Sorry if this seems very male-focused, but it’s due to the topic we’re dealing with. I don’t know how you deal with menstruation, but there is no reason you can’t have an orgasm during this play either if you so desire.
I hope that helps. These are the things that helped me when I was struggling with masturbation and porn. Not to say your husband is, struggling with porn, just IF he is, this will help that too. Knowing that my wife was available to lean on, if I needed it, made a huge difference.
6. It is hard to stop masturbating because it’s so easy to do
With masturbation, there’s no fear of rejection, no worry about a partner’s satisfaction. It’s pretty much guaranteed to end in orgasm and a lot faster than a sexual encounter with a spouse. It’s no wonder people don’t like to give it up. But, it’s missing that connection. And while you say you know it’s not cheating, to me, I always felt like it was cheating a little bit.
We were designed to share our sexuality exclusively with our spouses. Whenever we step outside of that I believe God will try to convict us because it is not in His plan. I believe it’s harming marriages. So, I understand his shame, and I understand your hurt. You are going through the same feelings my wife and I did, and you can get through them. When you do, the intimacy and openness on the other side are amazing. I would not trade it and go back to masturbation or porn for anything.
Anyone else been through this that can offer advice? Or if you’re going through this, do you have any questions I didn’t address?
If you have questions about masturbation in marriage, you might be interested in these:
- Is masturbation a sin?
- Why masturbation is a problem, whether you’re married or single
- Is Mutual Masturbation OK for Married Christians?
- Mutual Masturbation Survey Results
- If masturbation is sinful, what do you do if you don’t orgasm during sex?
- What Is Your Opinion Of Solo Masturbation Due To Separation?
- Is masturbation for medical reasons okay?
- Why do married men masturbate?
- What do you do if you suspect your spouse of secretly masturbating?
- Why does my low-drive spouse masturbate?
This was an issue in my marriage for awhile. My husband would occasionally masturbate instead of having sex with me, even though I was ready, willing, and able. There were other factors involved…..he was suffering from depression and post traumatic stress, and hadn’t sought real help for those things. When we saw a therapist together, I asked him, in tears (because I was brokenhearted that he was getting his pleasure apart from me), WHY would he do this? My husband just looked at the floor and didn’t say anything, but the therapist said very gently that often married men masturbate because there’s no intimacy involved. For my husband, and for many, many men, intimacy can be scary, it can be too much to deal with sometimes. We as women need, we crave that intimacy from love making. Men have a physical need for release, and sometimes when true intimacy is painful, or too difficult to handle at a particular time, or even simply too much work, they may masturbate. I just talked to my husband about it again, to verify what I was going to say before I said it. He said that it didn’t mean he didn’t think I was sexy, that he always thinks I’m sexy, and that when he did masturbate he was thinking about me. But he just couldn’t handle real intimacy. Again, this has to do with a lot of emotional issues that he deals with, but I know that many men experience issues with intimacy in some form or fashion.
I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he’s looking at porn. That wasn’t the case with my husband. Perhaps there are unaddressed issues in your husband’s life that are causing him to have problems with intimacy.
I understand what you’re feeling! But learning about what was truly causing the situation gave me more compassion for my husband. Perhaps you can very gently bring up the issue of intimacy with your husband.
I just read my reply out loud to my husband, before posting, and he said I nailed it. 🙂
I will also say, that when you’re on your period, there are other options if it’s a particularly long one – such as hand jobs or blow jobs. Your husband can give you direction as to how to manually stimulate him (my husband taught me, and he says I’m better at it than he is!), and…..I’m sure you already know how to give a blow job, but if you’ve never done it before, I have some tips in one of my blog posts.
My periods usually only last for one day, and they’re really light, but as soon as I start my placebo pills my husband starts getting worried about blood getting on him if I just happen to start while we’re having sex. Sigh. Nevermind that it always takes a certain number of placebos before I start my period, there’s always the CHANCE that terrifies him.
I need some help here , My wife has left me no choice but to masturbate. For her once a month ,or every other month is good enough. There are no hand jobs or anything else for that matter she even told me to go masturbate . This leaves me feeling completely empty. Not loved at all . I would just pack up and leave,but the truth is shes a good women and a great mom to the kids . I love her very much and have always been faithful. I have tried to talk about it ,but it turns into a fight every time. She thinks Im a pig ,because i have asked for a blow job . Were going on 18 years of marriage and its killing me to think its never going to get better. I wont cheat , i think im a better man then that .But what do i do . If masturbate is bad and porn is wrong and my wife isn,t willing??
Why is masturbation the only choice? Why not self-control?
Self control? I think that applies to not demanding sex every night, but its a stretch when the wife won’t have sex OR help you out more than once every month or two.
Masturbating on your own, with your wife’s blessing, without using porn, is not wrong IMO. I know you disagree, but there it is. It can be beneficial too because it takes the pressure off the wife who may be struggling with sickness, anxiety, or past abuse and can’t face the guilt that her husband isn’t having his needs met. It also takes the pressure off the husband of being so desperate physically.
Also, there is a good bit of research indicating that moderately regular release is healthy for the prostate.
If your wife won’t have sex with you, the answer is to address the issue in the marriage, not start masturbating. Masturbation is a method of avoiding the conflict. But it probably needs to be dealt with, no avoided.
As for dealing with sickness, anxiety or past abuse, what do you think sends a better message: “Oh, well, I’m just going to go have a sex life without you then.” or “I’m willing to wait for you.” It’s not an individual need. It’s an individual want. It’s a relational need but solo masturbation doesn’t meet that at all. In short, you end up satisfying a personal want instead of dealing with a relational need. Sounds selfish to me.
As for the research, go have sex if that’s a concern. Don’t do it solo. That’s like those studies that say drinking a glass of wine helps your heart. Guess what, so does drinking a glass of grape juice. That alcohol is no more necessary than solo masturbation and both are harmful.
Wow… you are honestly a very heartless person, judging by that comment. Self-control? When his wife isn’t having sex for two months? How much more freaking self-control can you have? He tried to address it with her, multiple times and it just ends in her fighting with him. Sounds to me like she doesn’t love him anymore and he needs to move on and find a woman who WILL love him. I’m in a very similar situation. We’ve done the discussions, counseling and patience. I have gone to the extent of changing my physic into a sexual domino and she still won’t sleep with me but maybe every 6weeks and yet I have caught her masturbating on several occasions. So I am filling for a divorce and I would admonish this gentleman to do the same. I can still have a fatherly relationship with my kids from a different household. Going through your life, holding onto a relationship, for the sake of others is overlooking yourself, and you have to take care of yourself before anyone else or you will do yourself more emotional damage than ANY bad relationship can do. Self-Control… geez you are just… wow… amazing. If you’re a woman, I would definitely NOT be looking for a relationship with you.
I’m heartless because I asked a question about his premise that there is only one solution, or because I believe people are responsible for their own actions and shouldn’t blame their bad behaviour on others?
I’m sorry both you and your wife have decided to break your vows. That’s unfortunate.
As for my wife and me, we’re both very happily married. Now, that wasn’t always the case. We worked through the struggles in our marriage and exited our sexless phase that lasted years. That’s how I know it’s possible. I’m not heartless – quite the opposite. I’ve been there and chose to reject divorce because I vowed to love my wife for better or worse. Plus, all the studies show that staying in a difficult marriage statistically works out better than leaving and trying another relationship. So, we went through the “worse” part, and now we’re experiencing the “better” after working on it. I’m sorry you’re giving up before getting to that point. Sadly, statistically, you’re unlikely to experience it in the next marriage either as the divorce rate jumps to about 2/3rds for the 2nd marriage whereas the chance to resolve your current marriage is at about 80%.
Imagine if in marriage, someone gets to control when you eat, how much you eat, etc. Now, that person decides to stop feeding you. You found a way to feed yourself, but suddenly you are shamed when doing so. Then another person comes along and just says “why can’t you just exert self-control when you’re starving?”
That’s basically what you’re reply insinuates.
Can a person go for extended periods without sex? Probably. Is it healthy? No, not for men. They need to evacuate their prostate and semen regularly to avoid prostate issues.
And, is it really a healthy relationship when one partner doesn’t want to have sex.. ever… but expects the other person to NEVER take care of themselves as well?
That’s a very unhealthy, unloving, unacceptable relationship.
One partner controls the sex, and shames the other if they decide to take care of their own business.
That’s outlandish. That’s basically a divorce needing to happen.
That’s a false equivalency. You won’t die from not having an orgasm. And you’re incorrect about the health issues. I know the study you’re referencing, and what the media failed to report on is that IF YOU ARE SEXUALLY ACTIVE, you should have frequent sex. If you aren’t, the rates of prostate cancer are about the same as if you have frequent sex. So, the choice is to be celibate, or have frequent sex. So, that’s not a really good argument either.
Now, is it healthy when one spouse chooses not to have sex? Absolutely not. At no point have I said or suggested it was. What I’m saying is that you can’t fix it by doubling down and being twice as unhealthy. If someone injects you with heroin, you don’t fix it by taking cocaine. You can’t solve a relationship issue by breaking the relationship further.
I agree, I am in the same boat. Though my wife is very kind to me otherwise, takes care of me when Im not feeling well (kidney cancer survivor), fixes me lunch for work, etc, she is repulsed (she has told me thiswhile fighting about it) by sex with me or even me touching her, and only does periodic “maintenance” or “pity” sex once every 6 or 8 weeks. I live basically with my memories of how it used to be in our early years of marriage when we couldnt keep our hands off each other, and sometimes had sex everyday, multiple times per day. I realize that is unrealistic these days with kids, and us both being older, but I would be happy with once or twice a week. When its been a month or longer, right or wrong, I’m releasing it somehow. Most times, i end up having a sexy dream, so it takes care of itself, but if not, I’m not opposed to handle it myself, pun not intended.
There is a bigger issue than his self control. Sex once a month is completely unexceptionable. This is neglect on the same order of a man refuses to talk to his wife. Both partners are responsible for meeting each other’s needs to the best of their abilities. The fact that she can’t spare 15 minutes a week to reach over and help her husband out just boggles the mind.
They need counseling. Maybe he isn’t holding his end of the marriage and that is why she is failing to hold her’s up. She is failing to hold her end up and there is some serious neglect going on here. We don’t know enough from his post if he has some stuff he needs to address other than he needs to man up and demand they get some help in this broken marriage.
To the original poster, masturbation is not the answer for you and porn is poison to the soul. Quite frankly divorce is a better alternative to porn. Demand counseling, demand that she puts in the effort and get ready to work on your end. If it takes an ultimatum to get her to deal with this issue then make it. This is your marriage fight.
He has gone far beyond the norm. I can satisfy him and then he’s waking me up with jerking off a half hour later. Not once not twice all damn night. I’m beyond poor baby I can’t seem to find a solution ready to give up Dee
Self control will lead to prostate cancer… men need to release once every 3 to 5 days to maintain healthy prostate and erectile function especially over 40.
No, they either need to release regularly, or they need to be celibate. Read the studies, not just the headlines. The stats are almost identical for either group.
So, if you’re married, have sex frequently, if you’re not, abstain.
As for erectile function, masturbation is linked to erectile dysfunction, even more tightly when it’s coupled with porn use.
I’ve asked several urologists if this is true. It isn’t. You can not come with no ill effect to your prostate’s health.
Try to watch each other master bait my wife is a strict Christian she would never have thought about masterbating but we both find it a turn on to sit and watch each other play with ourselves
My husband told me two years ago after I came home from a long day at work I sat down to my computer to check e mails and there is this nasty pic up on the sight he wss looking at after telling me way I cryied and wss so mad but he said you was not here and he had been doing this a long time now we have been married for 9 years now almost 12 I can say he liez to me about it now and our sex life is almost done men feel no shame nor. Understand the hurt I cant even touch my husband because of the lies and sex is a lot less I dont even want to he dont csre it hurts me so why should I put up with the lies he uses pic porn in bed he acts as if the beds not moving I dont know why you think I am give me a break you care for someoneyou dont keep hurting them and lie to them in
Your right same crap here he hasnt felt good but before that he complains hes tire gees oh well he can have his little friend i already feel unwanted
I agree I get so hurt I wait for him and don’t play why can he but he geys ma f if i do i just found out he doesbit after work b4 he comes home. Devestated
Men are the #one cause of lack of passion and fire. They sneak and pleasure themselves to pictures of nude woman and god only knows what else. thus causing their wife to feel insecure until eventually losing interest in sex. Then they complain that the wife doesnt want to do it anymore. How are they so blind?
if a man cant abstain from porn,cheating or other sexually devient behavior. then he has no business being married.
I wonder what these “bad selfish” husbands would think if they came home early from work to find their wife pleasuring herself to images of the mailman?
.
Number 1 cause. I’m not sure about that. I haven’t seen any data to support that. I understand you’re hurting, but there’s no need to rail against our entire gender.
How are we so blind? Well, the Devil is very good at deceiving people, and I think that’s gender independent.
Sadly, a lot of these “bad selfish” husbands would be absolutely turned on by you pleasuring yourself to anything. Because a lot of them don’t understand the damage it would be doing to the marriage, just as they don’t understand the damage they are doing in a lot of cases.
Amen! to that agree with you 100%
Agree!
Oh my God so right! After not touching me for about 12 years I recently decided to address the lack of sex issue. My husband has always been very non communicative. I did pry out of him that he has been masterbating our whole married life including the 12 years he never approached me (although I was available and willing) He has also admitted that each episode necessitated mental images of some female. He refused to be specific which of course makes my mind go crazy with the possibilities. Now he is ready to business as usual however he now has erectile disfunction (age and prostrate cancer related) Oh swell now I get his pathetic self while he deprived me of sex for over a decade but never deprived himself. Men are selfish bastards. I have often said if women were born with a $2 million bankroll we wouldn’t need men at all. Like most women my husband was the principal breadwinner while did EVERYTHING else in the household. That was fine then but now I’m stuck. Thinking of sex now turns my stomach as I think of all the mental images he had in his mind while pleasuring himself. Let’s face it ladies. Men love to say this is all normal and biological but then they hide it and lie that they are doing it, or how often, or what they are thinking about. Men really are pigs. I will use him for the money like he used to to take care of the house. I can pleasure myself and keep satisfied. I don’t need his limp dick anymore.
You do realize a man wrote this post, right?
Wow it takes a real woman to say it so PERFECT!!!! YOU GO WOMAN!!!!
What a bitch! Your husband needs to give you a hard bare bottom paddling!
What he should have given her was all of himself. The result of what she share comes from a place of deep pain. If men had any idea how sexual there wives are, were, and weren’t so selfish. I’m that women to a certain degree, we all on here for help with our men. But sadly men think they can put us in the what she doesn’t know zone. Steal our sex lives and call it I need to get my release. This makes men lazy and lousy lovers. There is a part of me that wishes that I was shallow women and could go have sex with other men. And I mean other as in a lot. Not to do the whole I’ll punish him. So that I can have a sex life. He’s stolen that from me and I’m beyond pissed. You’d meet up with me and find calling me a bitch a compliment. Cause by the time I was done I’m be way more than just a bitch. We women have been neglected, abandon, abuse, lie to you name it. What do you expect us to be like. Oh honey let me get you your slipper? Oh let me love you to death, to death is about right! I’m going to add thief to that list of selfish, lazy, cruel, liar, and a thief. Thats’s what my husband is, 37 years faithful to him and I get throw out like yesterdays trash. I am furious!
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. – 1 Peter 3:9
He missed his chance
Yeeeeeesss what Jane said …yeeeeeessss and then some other things. Mmmmmm
Ode to my husband and all the others out there
YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
A capable wife the Bible says
Should be cherished and held on high
But when I show my accomplishments
You get that look strange in your eye
I’ve often seen you roll your eyes
When you think that I don’t see
It’s in response to what I can do
Even though you’re proud of me
I get things done and that you like
But it doesn’t ring your bell
I’m like a hired laborer
Who gets their job done well
But when it’s time to climb in bed
To satisfy our needs
You come up short and disappear
And hide where I can’t see
It’s obvious there is a problem
I’m not blind I noticed
When you’re around submissive girls
You seem to lose all focus
With little but a smile and a laugh
They quickly receive your gaze
You drink it in and keep it inside
To use on some other day
When the house has been cleaned and bills paid
You give me a pat on the head
But later when the sun goes down
I won’t find you in the bed
I could lie naked and ready to play
But even that won’t tempt
You’d rather remember what caught your gaze
And play out what you had dreamt
I’ve lost all my ability
To accept this is who you are
I want someone who desires me
Not admires me from afar
A strong man with self confidence
Who knows he found a gem
With passion he pours out on me
Enhanced knowing who I am
We’ll lay lock in each other arms
With fires burning within
You’re sitting alone with yourself
Imagining somebody’s skin
So hope you like the phantom kisses
The excitement the pictures fan
While I’m receiving ecstasy
You’ve made a friend with your hand
I really LOVE your poem. Its very well said!
I feel you! Do you mamma!
I am running into this same thing, I have been married for 7 years. Sex was great in the beginning, I obviously new my husband masturbated because he had a stack of playboys at his parents house before he moved in with me. I thought that after we got married and stuff that would stop, because he has me that has an extremely high sex drive, ready and willing anytime. Probably about 2 years ago I went to go into our bedroom during his so called nap time, and he didn’t lock the door all the way and caught him masturbating to Porn on his cell phone. Obviously not thinking about me there, ever since this event I have very little trust when it comes to this topic and the fact we maybe have sex 4 times a month. Half the time he can’t get it up, or he comes so fast it really is pointless. I personally haven’t orgasm in years!!!!! I am noticing our lubrication constantly being used when we haven’t even had sex in weeks, nor has he shown interested in it. When I confront him about the lubrication and how we need to talk about it, he tells me to fuck off and there is nothing to talk about. How dare I accuse him of anything. I set up the lubrication box a certain way and about every 4-5 days its messed up and lubrication used. But according to him I am an idiot for assuming things. He keeps telling me this isn’t happening, but I know it is and he never tells me I look good, he loves me, barely kisses me, cuddles with me, and sex I have to ask pretty much. I am at a loss with all of this because as a Women I NEED! all those things to feel loved and have an emotionally connection. Sex and love shouldn’t be this hard. I personally feel masturbation not in the presence of your spouse is cheating, especially when you are looking about porn to get off. What do you suggest? I need some advise. (Usually when a man freaks out and gets so pissed when confronted, means they are guilty of something)
Put liquid cinnamon in the one he’s using keep something else for you… You’ll know next time for sure
I’m going through the same thing right now my husband admitted to looking at porn and said he was becoming addicted so he stopped I asked him if he masturbated while watching porn and he says no… I don’t believe it at all why watch it then? He does it in bed and I can feel the bed moving I see his shoulder moving I can feel the blankets tug and he’d moving his pelvis all while his breathing is getting shorter. I ask him about it and he denies it all the time he says I’m crazy and imagining things that I need mental help. I find white stains on his boxers and he’ll still deny it. I don’t think he will ever admit it. He says he’s sleeping and doesn’t know he does it but come on I’ve been sleeping with you for years I know how you sleep but no he still will not admit it even though the lies are ruining our marriage he continues to do it. I feel like I’m going crazy.
You will probably need to bring in a third party in order to make him address the issue.
I am in your shoes and it kills you slowly inside. I will be praying for you and your husband!!
My Husband cannot stay stimulated due to masturbating. I am never satisfied and get frustrated. He continues to lie about it. I even caught him using a sex toy. He says he has no support system to help overcome masturbating. Every time we have sex he cannot stay hard, he is tired or has to wait a few minutes and still nothing…i don’t know what else to do!!!!
Have you suggested he speak to your pastor? If he needs a support system, then he should start seeking one out.
Yes and he joined a support group Sex Addicts Anonymous and stopped going because he said the members had worse problems than him…that some masturbated at work, watched child porn and lost their jobs. He said they told him he was blessed with his less problematic masturbating.
He says I’m the reason he masturbates because I’m cold and leave him lonely…yeah because he lies about masturbating, watching porn and can’t perform when we do have sex and leaves me unsatisfied.
He hacked my computer and my phone saying he wanted to see if i was having sex with someone else because I wasn’t having sex with him.
Then he finds messages with 2 guys I have known way longer than him suggesting I’m trying to cheat. I previously told him about both men. One guy he met. Just this week I find a message on his computer of him trying to get with a co worker this past Summer. He knows about me and of course didn’t mention this until I found it. He is a hypocrite.
Mind you he has been masturbating since the age of 8.
He couldn’t perform the first time we had sex. He said he didn’t think I would have sex with him that night.
He even told me masturbating was a way to keep him from having a lot of sex with a lot of women and having a bunch of kids.
We tried many different tricks over the years with me basically doing everything while he lays there. At one point we thought it was because he wasn’t circumcised. I told him I had been with 2 guys that were uncircumcised and never had this issue.
I suggested we both go to counseling because I need help dealing with it too! He said he would rather go by himself.
Fine I want a Divorce!
What if you individually went to counselling?
OK ladies here it is….. Guys love masturbating for many reasons, It’s a healthy release of stress, excitement or they are addicted. If it isn’t effecting your sex life then move on and let him take care of business when he wants too, if it is then that’s where you should have a conversation about your sex life. Odds are its because he probably needs an outlet to live out different fantasy’s. Guys are naturally designed to try and continue the population and masturbating is a great way to satisfy that urge while not cheating on their GF or wife.
So, you’re argument for it being okay is that guys want to live out a fantasy life of sex with other women in their heads?
My husband had a vasectomy several years ago and ever since has had ED problems. Then it got worse with high blood pressure meds. He can rarely get an erection and I am left in the dust. He does use cialis and goatweed. He does try. Recently we have had trouble with his alcoholism and hiding his beer, even though we went through counseling and we had agreed to a certain number of beers a day (2) and he had to keep it in the house. Back to lying again and I am DONE, and so I have moved to another bedroom until he can get some help with his addiction. Plus I have overheard him calling me horrible names because I have called him out with his alcohol. I cannot seem to shake the name calling. It has almost destroyed me. Words go right down to the soul and hang there. In the meanwhile, I am finding evidence of masturbating numerous time over the past few weeks. So he can’t get it up with me, but he can when he has sex with himself? Explain that one. And I am not ugly or out of shape…believe me.
Well, I’d start with Why do married men masturbate (post or podcast), then Why does my low-drive spouse masturbate??
In short though, it’s easier to pleasure yourself than have someone else do it. There’s an immediate feedback loop. Doesn’t make it right.
Then I’d share this with him: Why masturbation is a problem, whether you’re single or not.
I agree John, guys should not be shamed because they masterbate. Masterbation is healthy and it’s better then cheating.
That’s like saying killing a man is better than killing a child. Why is it one or the other? And no it’s not. They’re both murder.
In this case, they’re both cheating. Why is masturbating the only option. Why not actually having some self-restraint?
How do you come to the conclusion that masturbation is cheating? It is both mentally and physically beneficial and healthy. I masturbate; my wife masturbates. Sometimes together, sometimes on our own. It’s not a replacement but a part of a healthy sexual relationship.
It’s sex without your spouse. Now, if you want that expounded upon, you can read all the posts I have on the topic. But that’s the basis of it.
P.S. Yeah, I got the Evil Dead reference.
I’d like to ask you a question, How happy is your wife, and how sexual satisfied she is. This is an answer I already know the answer too. I think most men underestimate the wives sexual potential. What a shame! They become selfish, cruel, and lazy lovers’s. They throw there leftover sexual scrapes to there wives. Thinking to themselves oh she must be so satisfied. What kind of man evolves his own sexuality and leaves his wives in the gutter, where he’s kicked her to. Why because he’s got his own sexual fantasy life he’s got to go build. Spends year building his, does little to nothing for them. How selfish of you to think you have a right to neglect, abandon, emotionally abuse us. How cruel to treat a women this way. We are daughters of God, and someday men will have to stand before him. How will you stand before him? If you put some effort into evolving your wives sexuality along with your’s. You would be having the most amazing mind blowing sex every. Men need to stop being lazy, honor their women and evolve us sexually. WE ARE STARVING, or at least I am. I’m heart broken to find that after 37 years of marriage and his leftovers:( I should have been his lover:( In so many ways he’s a wonderful man, but this I can not over look.
This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, no pun intended. Ladies you must have went to the school for kids who don’t read good. Your spelling is hilarious. Some of it almost looks like a different language.
That’s all, discuss!
Firstly, that’s just rude.
Secondly, a fair number of my readers come from countries where English is not the primary language.
Thirdly, you should check your grammar before criticizing other people’s spelling…
The error in grammar and the comment, was nothing more than a test. I wanted to see what happened and I can say, it was spot on.
There was nothing but my honest truth in what I wrote.
Who do you think you are insulting me?
I’m on here for help just like all the other wives who’s husbands/boy’s are being unfaithful, selfish pig’s. While they neglect there wives.
How happy are the wives of these selfish boy’s is part of the topic. And if it’s not it should be. Your obviously a boy to make such a comment. Go ahead and continue to ruin your sex life and that of any women you may encounter. Men who get involved with porn/pic’s of naked women, web-Cam’s, what ever they use to pleasure themselves to. Will have the pleasure of giving their women the worst sex ever. Plus the added bonus of ED, now that’s some fun to look forward to:( I don’t think so,
You go boy, point out all of my spelling errors too, again just how happy is your little misses? Bet she’s just like the rest of us here. UNSATISFIED and feed up with your choices.
I’m going after my man and putting a stop to this. Or he can find me looking for my own new selfishness. Thinks it’s okay to do his solo hides and lies, watch me burn it to the ground. I’ll never need his touch again. Why bother, it’s simpler faster and I’m guaranteed an orgasm while I go solo.
Sound familiar guy’s? Just saying,
See how he likes it when I’m never in the mood or he hear’s I already taken care of it. I’m ready to turn the tables, other men are looking pretty nice these day’s.
Seriously is this really where were going as a society? No I don’t want to do any of the above things. I took my marriage vow’s 37 years ago and I would love nothing more than to be my husband’s lover, sadly that may never happen.
I think boy CooderGraw, is not a very nice person. Shallow at best. Maybe you should re-read my post pretty sure it rings true for many women. You could stand to learn something from a women.
Currently in counseling so we shall see……….
I truly wish my wife felt that way
She would be perfectly happy if we never had to have sex again. And believe me, it is a “have to” with her. I’d sell my soul if my wife wanted me that way again.
I saw one of my husband short has weird and he admitted me that he was marturbating to his dream. That’s why he was something in his short. I feel so insult crashed and unwanted. I feel I’m not a lady. Its hard because we make schedule we had sex once a week. Sometimes not. I’m thinking maybe this is okay with him. But for me I feel alone and unwanted. What should I do I still love him but I feel so hurt.
I think you should talk to him about it.
I confronted my husband about him masterbating every single night in bed while he thought I was sleeping. He was offended and hurt that I even brought up such a thing to him!!! He yelled at me like I was crazy, I was high on drugs! I did my best to let it go. Every night I am being awake due to the bed moving cause he was so busy pleasuring him (yes I did see it with my own eyes his hand rubbing him self). That morning, and been checking his shorts every time they have come on them, but yet he tells me that he DOES NOT MASTERBATE AT NIGHT WHILE IM SLEEPING. I’m so tired of his lies!! I can’t even bring myself to let him touch me.
Confront him while he’s doing it.
My wife would confront me like that. She would grab and twist and hurt me. I have masterbated in bed with her and the times I did it i was hoping it would turn her on and she would lend me a hand or start doing it back. But she never did. After having her grab my sack and dick and squeeze and twist as hard as she could and then cuss me out and we end up in a fight. And I’m left there hurt. And you can only take that for so many times till you are scared to go to bed with her and your scared to go to sleep or scared to move in bed. Even scratch an ich. It drives us away. You become more ashamed of it because you can’t just go to work and talk bout it with the other guys or your family bout it. And she wonders why you can’t get it up or don’t want to taking her and you go into hiding everything then. I never cheated on my wife but I have a problem with porn.
I have don’t it inspire of her already. Just to get back at her. Right now we currently separated. And there is so much that I can’t right about that is going on in our lives that is all factors but I’m ready for a divorce. And yes I think she is cheating on me. And she thinks I cheat on her. I’m will to pay for polygraph test on this and she refused the test. She says she is not cheating on me. She says she is not using me for help or money or anything. But the only time she wants me around is to show off new phones and flash money around and show off her new home. I don’t care about any of that. I quit my job because the guys at work were talking bout them all paying my wife for sex and my wife says stuff and perfect timing for everything and then the guys talking bout sex with a hitchhiker and then she accuse me of getting road head while driving some girl home from work. It is easier to admit that you masterbate then to have to tell your wife that you had sex with a another woman. That’s something I had to tell my first wife and I never want to have to tell my wife that now. That would be to hard. So that’s why I don’t cheat on her. If some woman helped me move and helping with the cleaning after the move and then her husband would kick her out because she doesn’t take care of her kids and she came over because she had no place to go and I left her sleep over she would hand me divorce papers. That’s what I just found out with her and another guy. And he’s her dealer on top of it and he slept over while she had our oldest son sleeping there. I want a divorce. Even if she is not cheating on me. With the thing from work my wife and even work said that I completely fabricated it all in my head and I was listening in on other people’s conversations. My wife and everyone at work had the exact same response. And there is a lot more going on as well.
I think most women have no idea how vulnerable men are. At least, it’s my opinion.
It’s how I am.,I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t talk to my wife. She wouldn’t undertake and I think she’d be harsh and judgmental.
But, we DO have problems These ticket above is insightful but is of no help to me
Oh, I agree completely that most women have no idea how vulnerable men are. That’s probably the most shocking thing wives learn in my course, about what sex actually means to men, about how vulnerable and fragile our psyches really are. I always get feedback about that.
Thought I do think you need to find a way to talk to your wife.
What about finding your husband masterbating to pictures of girls in yoga pants? I mean, it’s not porn, but still. I found my husband doing it this morning before work and I have been feeling so self conscious and depressed all day, like I found out he was cheating
Personally, I don’t see any difference whether they’re naked or clothed. Fact is, he is using it in a sexual context. I think you have every right to feel like he’s cheating. According to Jesus, he is.
Sorry you had to find out that way, I’m sure you’re hurt and rightfully so because it is cheating. Glad you found out though because now you can express how you feel about it to him. I want you to be reassured of one thing, none of this is your fault. It’s not because you didn’t have sex with him or get him off frequently enough, it’s not because of your choice of clothing, it’s not because of certain sexual acts you may or may not be doing. No matter what he tells you, there is zero excuse for what he did, it shows a total disrespect of you and to women for that matter, those women are someone’s wives and daughters and it is their right to wear whatever they want. In my opinion, what he did might be even worse than doing it to porn because it’s a total perverse misuse of the material. It would seem that he thinks that a woman wearing yoga pants gives him the right to masturbate to her image. Lots of women in this world will incidentally turn him on by their dress, hair, makeup, etc., that’s normal, but it’s not normal to be unable to control himself in this manner. Keep all this in mind and talk to him about it, tell him how it makes you feel, and if he loves you, he will realize that what he’s doing is wrong and why it’s wrong and make a sincere attempt at stopping.
From a woman’s perspective, can a man go 7-10 days without having sex? Yes. But Jay’s right. It is hard. Something that my husband and I do when we can’t have sexual intercourse like when I’m on my period is make sure that we are giving each other physical attention (i.e. letting him enjoy my beauty, making out, lots of embraces, building up his sexual confidence, stroking/massaging each other, etc). You can still “make love” without having intercourse. Make the bedroom a comfortable safe place for you both. Pray out the spirit of shame and guilt in your marriage in the power and authority of the Name and blood of Jesus Christ. Give your husband something to look forward to – a taste of something to come. When you have to go away for the weekend or spend a night apart, pray for one another. Make time to talk on the phone and flirt through text messages/emails. Tell him how much you love him and forgive him when he lets you down as hard as that is. Your hurt is completely natural and expected, and rebuilding trust takes time, but I hope some of these suggestions helps encourage you to get creative when you can’t have sex.
Jesus, that just makes me want to die, right there. Like its that easy. She thinks because we have grandkids, those days are over. Shes 46, I’m 55. This life of mine truly suck compared to yours. Thanks.
If he were using porn and masturbating, I doubt he would have admitting to the porn – so that he did admit it makes me think it’s unlikely that he is using porn.
Can a man go a week, or two weeks without sex? Of course he can. The question I would ask is should he be expected to so. The answer to that is based on what it cost him to do so, and what it cost his wife to do something for him. The problem is that she usually has no idea how much it costs him, and he probably underestimates what it will cost her to do something.
My (admittedly male) perspective is that for most couples it is not usually reasonable to expect a man to go a week plus without sex. Not because it’s horrible, but because it is loving to not ask him to do that. However, if his wife is sick or in a lot of pain, that changes it, and at some point I think it is unreasonable for him to expect anything from her.
I suppose the bottom line for me is what else is she not doing due to whatever reason she is not having sex? If she is doing everything except sex, I see a problem. If she is doing very little, and he expects sex, I see a problem.
As a woman with a higher drive than hubby and who did resort to masturbation, if I am regularly taken care of sexually (which I am not), I don’t succumb to masturbation. I haven’t had an O in over 2 weeks and I haven’t had sex in a week and a half, so the temptation is strong and some say justified, but God wants me not to. I KNOW this. He wants to bless me for waiting. It stinks big time, but yes, I would expect a regularly pleased spouse to wait for his wife to finish her period. I would also expect a spouse to wait longer term, too and rely on God, lean on Him, rather than succumbing to self pleasure. If it gets to a point of physical agony, and it has for me before, pray first and see if God is ok with it. If you can’t invite your spouse into your sex life, you should always invite God. If your spouse is willing, invite her to lend you a hand, but make it about her, too. Cuddle, kiss, make out, give her a massage and then have non intercourse sex.
I’m leaving comments in various places to ask for prayer for my husband. My newest blog post has details. Please, if God moves your heart, pray for him.
Thank you! Please do, and let me know when it’s up. I’d like to read it.
Thank you for speaking about REAL issues! Sharing!!!
Can a man wait 7 to 10 days without sex? Wow,..I would never put my husband through that,and besides I being a woman,..can NOT go 7 to 10 days without some sort of SEX !! As mentioned in earlier comments,if you are having a lenghty period,..give your husband a blowjob ! There is nothing wrong with a Christian women performing such an act with her husband,and besides ,not only will he enjoy it,but you will also. I love to get my husband off by giving him blowjobs,and it is sexually sastifying to us both. It’s a great way to send your hubby off to work in the morning,and it takes but just minutes ! By the way,..I have a question for all,a question that has bothered my husband and I both as Christians. After much research and questions asked on Christian websites dealing with a Christian marriage in regard to oral sex,..if oral sex is ok bewtween a Christian married couple,..is anal sex also alright? Would love to hear comments on my question,as it does concern the both of us,being we have never really had a clear answer on this subject.
Thank You,
Judy
Well, for some of us couples, a blowjob doesn’t just take minutes. In fact, for many husbands, oral sex doesn’t produce an orgasm, no matter how long you spend at it (myself included). Actually, for us, a sex session is typically 45 minutes to an hour and a half. We’ve only been able to pull off quickies a handful of times.
As for the question about anal sex. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I think I’ll do a post in the future, but for a quick start, I’d check out the post at ChristianNymphos.org, they have a few good posts on the subject. They’re not writing anymore, but it’s a good archive of posts.
Alternatively, you can head over to The Marriage Bed also has a short blurb on the subject on their main site, and the forums (have to register) are full of discussion on the topic. While not all Christians agree on whether or not it’s a good idea, I’ve never seen a convincing Biblical argument saying you can’t have anal sex.
Hope that helps in the interim.
JD
Thanks JD,and I look forward to your post on anal sex !
Judy
When its been 6 or 8 weeks, all sex is a quickie…lucky if it goes 2 minutes….
A week without sex is definatly hard to do for me, as a man, but it is also doable. I have a high sex drive and would love to not have to go more than 2 days but am often asked to go at least a week. I don’t remember the last time we had sex twice in two days. The hardest times have been the 6 week periods following our two births. My wife is opposed to nonvaginal sex so during those 12 weeks of hell ask I’ve ever gotten is one hand job. It really sucks and I wish I didn’t have to endure it but it’s not like I can force it on her so you just have to endure.
Oh my. I faced similar problems soon after I was married too. My husband literally withdrew from me emotionally and he turned toward mastrubation instead of me for his pleasure. I was so confused and hurt at first and I learned later that he was very embarrassed and ashamed when I found out but I knew he loved me very,very much. So I decided to try to look at my behavior to see what I could do to change things.
I did a bit of soul searching. First, I realized that I had totally neglected him in the bedroom, both emotionally and physically. I had taken the attitude that when he wanted me he would let me know and he could have me, but I always waited for him to initiate physical intimacy. Fact is that the most effort I ever did was to wear a pretty nightie instead of the T-shirt and shorts I normally wear, but after the first few months I didn’t even bother with those. I was giving him the impression that I was not really interested and that it was a chore for me. I later learned that he felt guilty about “bothering me” for sex so was withdrawing from me and feeling resentful, lonely abandoned.
I searched the net about mastrubation in marriage and read a bit about what some others marriages do. There is a lot of kinky sites out there about women in charge but a few seemed to have the common theme that when a woman is very direct about what she wants from her husband sexually things can often improve. Bottom line is that men can be insecure about themselves too and when they love us they feel guilty about bothering us.
So using some of the suggestions on the not too kinky sites, I decided to take charge in the bedroom. Instead of the normal routine I came to bed fresh from the shower wearing just a smile and slipped under the covers, reached over and told my DH to take off his PJ’s. He was so startled but I pretended not to notice. I TOLD him again and said I want to feel his warm body next to mine. He did of course and then tried to do the same “race to the finish” but I stopped him and began to talk to him while stroking my hands all over him. Each time he tried to touch me I stopped touch him and coldly said STOP.
I looked into his eyes and as I touched him I continued talking about us, how much he means to me, how much I liked his body, how much his pleasure means to me, and how much I value the pleasure that he give me. All the while I kept touching him and he was so excited he could harldy contain himself. But each time he reached out to me I stopped and told him to stop.
While I continued touching him I slowly began asking him questions about his feelings. If he loved me. If he found me pretty. If I was still sexy to him. If he liked me touching him. YES. YES. YES. I was getting lot’s of yes’es. Then I started asking him about his feelings. I asked if he felt I had been ignoring him physically. If he felt lonely sometimes. If I had been taking him for granted. Reluctantly he began to open up and admit his feelings. He was very vunerable talking about his feelings but each time I reassured him and reinforced it with more physical pleasure and touching.
Ultimately I put him out of his sweet misery, but on my terms, He had to lie there on his back perfectly still and could not touch me until I told him he could. I told him very explicitly how to kiss me, where to touch me, etc. And afterwards I told him he had to hold me until I fell alseep, which he did. Very, very closely.
The next morning I was up and dressed first. When he got into the shower I barged in to brush my teeth and as he stepped out to dry himself off I non-chalantly told him that I wanted to see him mastrubate. He turned bright red but I sat down on the toilet seat and waited. He did not know what to do and looked for a way to get out of it but I insisted out of innocent curiosity. It’s okay I kept saying I just want to see how you go about it. I could see that he felt a loss of control and was extremely vunerable but he eventaully began to try. It was very awkward for him. Perhaps it was becasue I was dressed and he was naked that made him feel extra embarrassed but he could barely get himself aroused. So I let him off the hook and said I was going to be late for work and would call him later.
That afternoon, I called him to tell him how wonderful last night was, how wonderfully wicked it amde me feel to make love to him. Essentailly what I did was to relieve him of all responsibility for our intimate relationship.
The second night I did the same. Asked him to be naked for me, touching him and talking. He was far more relaxed and far more open. We talked about a lot of things but all while I was touching him. Then I asked him if he was shocked by my request to watch him mastrubate and he said he was. I asked him why he was so embarassed. He fumbled for an answer and that is when he began to reveal how he felt about our sexuallity. He felt he was bothering me and that I was not really interested. So you substituted mastrubation instead of bothering me? Yes he said.
That is when I told him that I wanted to try an experiment. That for three months he should never ever ask me for sex. That initiating sex was going to be my job from now on, not his. I would decide how, when and where.
His job was going to be affection and romance. He was going to have to write a short note, poem or letter each day telling me why he loved me. Why he desired me. Even his fantascies about me.
It was totally new territory at first for both of us. The new relationship roles were a reversed. But it began to work and became fun. Each of us had to work at finding out what pleased our partner. I got lot’s and lot’s of hugs and kisses and wonderful little notes hidden around the house or in my purse. He got sexy phone calls in the afternoon telling him what he might expect that night. We became so much closer because we got better at communicating our needs, wants and desires.
And he became more secure too. I even got him to mastrubate a few times for me. He lost the embarrassment of it but he also lost the need of it too. So I began challenging him to see how long he could go without giving himslef an orgasm but instead to call me when he felt the urge. He was so horny because I would drive him nuts by arousing him each night but began telling him that he had to wait until tomorrow. I made him wait over ten days once. Poor fellow, but he was so proud that he could hold out as a sign of how much he loved me.
And he is still delighted that he never has to ask me for sex because I still am the one who makes sure that aspect of our marriage is working well. The best part is that I get lot’s of affection and snuggle time, even being naked together, without it having to turn into intercourse unless I want it to. And he gets plenty of arousal because I am not afraid to touch him. And we still talk about our inner feelings while I am touching him and keeping him aroused and that keeps our communication open.
Wow, that’s an amazing story. That’s great how you could help him to feel safe again and really talk about what was going on. Good for you! And now you are reaping the benefits of that labour.
That is an amazingly insightful plan. You obviously have put a lot of thought into core issues and clever ways to heal. Your husband is a lucky man. 🙂
Two people, who are both sensitive, can get communication very wrong and turn to mind reading.
It sounds like a great plan. I have so wanted my wife to hop in bed naked or many other things. Ultimately, I think that I felt rejected sexually and emotionally but, she did too?
Anyway – growth is often borne from adversity. 🙂
Well done, Kathy. It took a lot of courage to turn things around like you did. I’m sure in the long run your marriage will be much, much better for it. I doubt you’ll ever see this question, but I’ll ask anyway. Did you get your ideas from “Francesca’s Pizza” by Georgeann Cross? The path you took is very similar to the ideas in that book. It’s a very secular book, and I don’t agree with all of the ideas and techniques in it, but the author understands what makes some men tick. They crave intimacy, but avoid it out of fear of being vulnerable. If a wife breaks through that, like you did, he won’t be afraid of true marital closeness and intimacy. I had the same problem with my husband 10 years ago, and I took a course of action similar to you. He was a bit more resistant than yours, but I was loving and firm, and he eventually opened up. And as time went by, I was amazed at how happy it made him, and how much closer it made us. Many blessings on you and your marriage!
Again, i would sell my soul if my wife would come to the conclusion you have. She woukd be content to never have to do sex again, with me anyway. And shes far too young and pretty for that attitude.
Kathy
You did something really special but wHat I want to know is where you got the guts and ideas to do this. AS a man who had trouble with masturbation as a youth before marriage and some since when the supply of sex was tight it really blessed me to see a wife have the foresight and knowledge to bless her husband like. Being a true giver is the secret to happy fulfilled marriage. Blessing as you continue pursing your husband and give the reigns and leadership back to him.
What are your suggestions for someone in a sexless marriage. When I say sexless, I mean like 3-4 times a year. It has currently been 7 months w/ no sex in sight. Our marriage is extremely strained to say the least. My wife has told me that “She doesn’t like sex” but then uses a “toy” to pleasure herself. This is devastating to me. To me it screams that she likes sex, just not w/ me. I am not even allowed to see her naked. If I come into the bathroom when she is getting out of the shower or something, she will grab a towell or something to cover up. Ihave turned to masturbation and porn. I feel very ashamed of both. I went almost 4 months w/out before I did. I have had a problem w/ porn off and on now for quite awhile but it mainly happens after long periods of no sex. We have alot of problems in our marriage, but the no sex just compounds them in my opinion. I am not blaming all the problems on her either because I know I have problems too. I could use some help.
Sounds to me like a total lack of communication.If you don’t openly and honestly share your fantasies,no matter how perverse you’re afraid they may sound to your partner ,then your relationship is doomed.
Yes, communication is vital to good intimacy.
If you are both Christians, it seems to me like you might need to “man up” and tell your wife what your expectations of her are. Read her those parts of the Bible that say her body belongs to you, and your body belongs to her, and that married people should not abstain from sex except when by mutual agreement and for a very limited time to avoid sexual sin. When you married she promised to love you, and that doesn’t mean she’ll have nice warm feelings for you, it means she’ll put you and your needs and desires before her own. As a Christian woman she simply has no right to refrain from at least meeting your sexual needs.
What’s the big deal? If it’s not having any impact on sex with the spouse (and in the case of Chrissy it wasn’t), then so what? There’s no reason to feel hurt about a spouse masturbating.
If you read the question Chrissy asked, it’s obvious it did impact her. She felt hurt. That’s an impact, and I’m not sure telling her she’s not allowed to feel that is helpful.
There are those of us who believe that masturbation is sex, and that all sex must be shared with your spouse, and to do anything else harms the relationship.
Of course, there are others who believe as you do, that “hey, it’s not having an impact, so it’s OK”. Do you have the same opinion if he was having an affair, maybe one she never knew about. Let’s say it didn’t impact her in any way she noticed, ever. Is it still OK? If not, why is that one not OK if there is no tangible negative impact to her?
I disagree.
Y is he wntn to feel plessure instead of feeln it&get the enjoyment of hvn the one “he lovez” in ecstasy as well???
That hurts for us women.
Wht are we not doin right? Ect ect..
I really didn’t want to leave a comment as get something off my chest. First of all I wuld classify myself as an Evangelical Christian.
I got saved in 1989 I was in the Marines and I quit my relationship with my girlfriend and although we never had penetration sex we had oral/hand sex. When I got saved i went cold turkey and put all that aside and poured myself into God and really forsaking all for the call.
When I saw my wife I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever saw. Hands down she was the most beautiful at church (not that I necessarily wanted the most beautiful woman at church nor did I want a trophy wife.)
In the beginning sex was frequent. I guess it was because she was expected to do it in a young marraige. However we never kissed. Many times I juat want to kiss, french or otherwise. That issue alone has caused many arguments.
Fast forward 16 years and three kids later and we have sex once a week ( I guess I should be happy). But every time I try to start sex she resists. And puts up a fight and talks about what other wives say about their sex lives. So to cope with this I masturbate. I don’t like it at all but I don’t like wet dreams either and feeling myself up when I sleep. This relieves a lot of tension in myself and I’m ok albeit the guilt.
During my singleness I so forward to sex. I’ve turned away women as a single and as a husband because I believe in being faithful to God first and my family second.
Oh how I long for my wife to love me as reciprically as I love her!
Thanks for listening I feel better now.
Hi MJ,
Welcome to the site, glad you felt comfortable enough to get something off your chest. Keep being faithful, keep following God.
I can’t promise your sex life will improve, but I can promise that the closer to God you get, the more content you will be, regardless of circumstance.
What does your wife say if you bring up the topic of frequency?
God is not going to improve your sex life.Lingerie,sex toys,porn,dildos,and booze will.Sex is dirty.It’s supposed to be dirty.At least if you want it to be any good.
Well, I have to disagree here. Yes, I do believe God can improve your sex life, but the way he’s going to do that is going to be through work you and your wife have to do in your marriage.
And while lingerie, and sex toys can help to improve your sexual experience, they are not going to solve issues. Porn and alcohol, I believe, are actually harmful, not helpful.
And as for sex being dirty, I’m not sure I would say that. Certainly it can viewed that way in a “polite society” sort of way, but not in a “God created sex” sort of way. Sex is a blessing, and it’s awesome, though messy. Certainly not “dirty” or sinful of itself, and I think the best sex occurs in a committed, intimate marriage, where absolute vulnerability exists.
You are way off!
I can relate with how you feel. My husband took a job 6 years ago that made our sex lives obsolete. Before taking the job, we had sex 2-3x a week. That wasn’t very much for me since we were both 20. I felt like that number should have been higher. After taking the job, there were a few times we were intimate in a year…sometimes 3 month dry spells would occur. I was finishing my masters 3 years later. With all the school, work, and house chores, I was still available to be at his beckon call whenever he wanted me. I made a point out of researching how to be a better lover, I was open to role play, oral, toys, different positions. It wasn’t unlike me to get dressed up in lingerie and have his favorite meal waiting for him. He wouldn’t respond sexually to me. He would say “not tonight sweetheart ok.” This later became “god! Can’t you just cool it!” Anytime I touched him. He was always tired or too stressed out from work. I knew he masturbated and watched porn but it didn’t bother me because I figured when he was ready to relax sexually, I was at my internship or in class or at work…so I wasn’t available. Since then we started having sex once every two weeks. I thought maybe he is A-sexual? I suggested doing more adventurous things in the bedroom and he seemed apprehensive so I dropped the subject. Then I found out that several times a week he was masturbating to porn after I fell asleep…sometimes in the same room with me…and often after telling me he was too tired to have sex. I was upset but said that he could do whatever he wanted as long as my sexual needs were met also. Until them, I felt betrayed if he chose to take care if himself without considering my needs if I was home. He agreed and our sec life got better. It wasn’t more often but the quality was better …there was more cuddling during the week, more mutual massage. Then after not having sex for 2 weeks I had just put the kids down for a nap and went to bring him a fresh towel for his shower and he’s standing in the bathroom beating off to porn on his phone after I had told him we should have some “adult time” later. I was so upset. I didn’t want to get mad in front of the kids so I took a coffee break outside the home. When I returned, his guilt seemed excessive. Not once had he apologized for taking care of himself but when I got home he fell all over himself and was affectionate and sweet to me…this is very unlike him. I felt bad because instead of thinking “oh things are ok and I overreacted” I thought “well what were you doing on your phone that is so different this time that you feel ashamed?”. I felt dirty for being around him after walking in on him like that. I felt betrayed and vulnerable and rejected. I take care of the house, the kids, my personal appearance, the meals, I’m not uptight about sex or anything he wants me to do for him physically…so I don’t get it. I wish I understood why he married me if he isn’t sexually into me and has to get it from somewhere else if I’m available and waiting.
Sometimes us men have some problems with sex with women. I grew up in a family where sex was considered dirty and nasty. Then the neighbour kids showed me their father’s porn, and again, it just seemed dirty. So years later, I married a lovely girl, but discovered I had a problem. In my mind there was a big gap between love and sex. If I loved my wife, I would feel guilty about having sex with her, cos that was nasty. So for years, after every time we had intercourse, I would apologise to my wife for having had sex with her. It just seemed to be treating her badly. So to be loving to her, and avoid using her for nasty purposes, sometimes it seemed better to masturbate.
Of course, some times men have too much semen, which is uncomfortable, and wet dreams are not pleasant, so men have to release the semen, and that’s easier and quicker by masturbation. It’s body maintenance, and doesn’t mean much more than washing your hair or shaving, for instance.
Yes, it can be a problem for men as well.
Though I personally disagree that masturbation is simply body maintenance.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. 4 months ago I had discovered that he was looking at porn on his phone. I addressed the situation and explained to him how I felt about it. He then promised me that he would never do it again.
Well 4 months later I seen porn on his phone again, so I asked him why and for 15 minutes he denied it and lied to me about watching porn again. At this point he was working out of town and was gone for 3 weeks, when he got home and we made love it took him a really long time to reach a orgasm, so I thought that he had one because we stopped after I had reached that point. There was no evidence of his semen in me.
Can a man ejaculate in his underwear without having a orgasm during foreplay or was masturbation involved while watching porn before his arrival to coming home?
Sorry Melinda, I don’t know exactly what’s going on.
Delayed orgasm can be caused by porn use (whether or not a prior orgasm is involved).
It can be caused by guilt, or tiredness, or bad food, or diabetes, or countless other things. But, since your husband has a history of porn use, and a history of lying about it…well, I think the simplest answer is probably the true one. I would guess he’s using porn and needs some help and accountability to get off of it. It’s an addiction, and he needs help to break free.
I just commented on the Why Do Married Men Masturbate a couple days ago. I came across this and needed to find some help with getting over my hurt. I asked my husband to move to the basement and he willingly did so because he knows he has been wrong and I’m hurt. Is this wrong? I just need some time and space to figure things out… We have a baby girl together and while I’ve never suspected anything before now Im getting nervous about my husband even being left alone with her or changing her diaper after this confession… I fear if he gets these feelings and I’m not there or he’s changing her diaper what could happen? We are trying to get in to see a Christian Psychiatrist ASAP but would appreciate some advice until then. I’m not as strong as the first woman that was on this post…. I feel disgusted by what he’s been doing and can’t handle him touching me right now. We both are praying for healing and seeking God more earnestly but this is rough!
Keep in mind, I’m no psychiatrist, doctor or pastor, so take my words as you would a brother, nothing more. I worry that this course of action is adding more damage. I try, when possible, to use scripture to gain insight. The only scripture I can think of in this case is:
This verse tells me (decide for yourself) that one should not unilaterally impose a stop to sex, and mutually only PERHAPS for prayer. Asking him to move to the basement seems like punishing him, not trying to help him. But a marriage is not about punishment, neither spouse has the right to do that, particularly using sex.
Add to this that the verse says the reason not to deprive each other is to remove temptation. But, you have done just the opposite. In order to “cure” his masturbation, it seems you have forced him away from having the only valid outlet for sexual release (you). Now, the fact that you feel disgusted by it and can’t stand to have him touch you is a difficult twist in the problem. I do not want to tell you to just “get over it” or “just do it anyways” because this become akin to coerced sex which is too close to marital rape (which I’m against). I would ask you to pray about it and ask God to remove these feelings and replace them with feelings of love for your husband so that you can truly feel good about reuniting with him so you can tackle this together on the best foundation possible.
I’m unclear about the jump to changing the baby’s diaper. Has he admit to watching child pornography? Does he have a history of sexual assault against babies, or fantasizing about it? If not, I have no idea where this leap is coming from, please educate me. I changed 3 babies diapers for years (2 of them girls) while I was addicted to porn and masturbating sometimes 3 times a day. Not once did I leave a baby on a change table to go do it, nor neglect my duties as a parent, nor touch my children in any inappropriate way.
I hope that helps.
Hi there,
Thank you for the response! This has helped a lot and I appreciate your input as a Christian brother. It’s interesting that as the last few days the hurt has been gradually getting better… I actually held his hand again yesterday!
No, my husband has never had problems with children. I guess I just want to protect my baby and never want to take the chance that a new problem arises. It is my opinion that sexual perversion spirals downward over time where people do things they dont mean to at first.
We come from two very different backgrounds so this complicates matters I think. I come from a home where my parents raised me in a Christian school and church and they are still married today. I was pure until my wedding day at 28 yrs old. My husband comes from a single parent home where his mom shows little emotion and was kind of just trying to raise a son alone. She tells him right before our wedding that his “Dad” is really not his dad but that he is an in vitro baby. He was introduced to porn at a young age by his best friend who was later found to have been sexually abused by his biological father. I suppose I worry that there could be “blocked” memories that could surface over time and could turn into abuse. Im sure Im blowing it out of proportion but my best friend growing up was taken from her home because she was sexually abused by her biologic father… Fears are just arising from past things Ive known of. Trying to be the best mom and not take any chances with my baby girl, you understand? I asked him not to change her diaper any longer as well as I will not leave him alone with her anymore.
I miss my husband a lot and want the Lord to heal both of us. I will take your advise about the basement though… Thank you so much for your help!
Happy to help. That’s a bit more information there, thank you!
Yeah, he might have some fallout from his childhood, in fact, I’d almost guarantee it, but if you both have an open, honest relationship, you will be able to get through it.
I’d caution you against projecting your fears over whats happened in other families on to your husband. A father is a very important figure in a young girls life, and if she grows up feeling you are distancing her father from her, or that you don’t trust him, that can have severe consequences for the rest of her life, not only with respect to her relationship with your husband, but also with her future husband. All I’m saying is be careful, and pray about it, preferably with your husband, because these are serious decisions you are making that can have impacts for generations to come.
See, that’s the problem with blogs – especially ones like this – people are simply deciding what they think is best.
Any sexual relations outside of marriage are wrong and a mortal sin.
The marital act must be unitive and procreative – this doesn’t mean having a baby every time! What is does mean is that the marital act requires both components to avoid sin. Procreative – such as invitro – etc. this is procreative but definitely not unitive – therefore – it’s a mortal sin
Masturbation – it doesn’t matter who is doing it – it’s wrong and a mortal sin. Sex outside of marriage – you got it – no go!
Oral sex – AOK as long as the man does not reach orgasm before vaginal insertion.
If you are looking for a pat on the back and an AOK for what you are doing – the blogs will fill your boots. If you ar looking for the truth – stay out of the blogs!
Those are some powerful statements to make, particularly since they appear to come straight from your opinion (something you have just condemned in your first statement). Do you want to come back with scripture so you can back up this supposed truth?
Why be hurt? I’ve known that my wife masturbates from the very start. In fact, she masturbates both in private and in front of me – and that last is very, very hot to watch! As she’s bisexual and admits to having same sex fantasies, I’m constantly walking in on her while she’s humping the bed or humping her pillow after we’ve seen an attractive lady earlier in the day.
I’m not sure where to start with this.
That she masturbates in front of you. No issues there. Have fun.
That she masturbates alone. I know many people have no issue. Other believe differently. I just wrote a post on this. You can find it here.
That she has same-sex fantasies and acts them out through masturbation…to me, that would constitute adultery based on Matthew 5:28, and in my marriage, that would be cause for huge concern.
Excellent way to answer her from our perspective. I really liked how you said “The fact that he’s been lying about it for years and decided now to answer truthfully means his trust in you is at an all-time high. He feels safe enough to tell you this, and that is amazing. ” Too often when one gets offended or has their feeling hurt, they draw inside.
You gave some very good suggestions for a “lay” person – your words. You did a great job as it seems you often do.
Keep up the great work!
Thanks Jerry, glad your enjoying the posts. I see you’ve been jumping through the site commenting here and there.
Thanks a lot for such useful information.hope it works
I hope it helps.
would like to understand why my husband is masterbating behind my back when he never did before
Do you mean he never used to hide it, or he never used to masturbate?
It’s been two years that my husband confesed that he masturbated. I was not getting any sex at all at the beginning of our marriage so I assumed that he was getting it somewhere else but I assumed that it was porn so I did not make a big deal about it. But after having my first child during postpartum I was trying to satisfy him giving him oral sex and stuff but sometimes he did not seem interested that’s when I knew that he was looking at someone else. I am a very intelligent, attractive woman and have very attractive friends. The worst part of finding out that he masturbated was not finding out that he masturbated to porn that would been better, but finding out he was masturbatin to girl pictures including my friends!!! I know that I am not the prettiest girl alive but I am pretty and sexy and love sexy stuff and I am up to everything with him. I was devastated because a lot of guys wanted to be with me and I chose him so It felt horrible because first of all I was going through a roller coaster of postpartum emotions and my self steem crashed!! I felt the ugliest girl alive!! I could not understand if he was interested sexually in other girls why did he mary me?? And I told him to show me the pictures he masturabted to and there were ordinary Facebook pictures nothin kinky or sexy to my point of view.
He was so ashamed and I was so angry and sad that I have been having trouble to cope with this anger.
He told me that he had very little experience in sex. That his mom since he was a little boy make him feel bad for liking girls. His mom is a very religious woman I think she is a fanatic. So he tells me that he was hooked on this habit a long time ago. Masturbating to girls he knew. He told me that he is sorry that he would never think of doing it again that he was so insecure about performing that he would run and hide and masturbate, but I think he took it to far, he made it to persona. I’m so heartbroken! It took two years for me to digest and accept what happened and no so long ago we been having wonderful sex but I still feel sad. Today is our 4 the year anniversary and I feel so bad to look back I’m time or talk to my friends or look at some pictures of them and all those memories come back again.
I forgive him but I can’t forget the way his actions made me feel. We have a beautiful family a 2 year old girl and a 4 month old super healthy baby boy and two beautiful cats. I look at my husband and we are the best of friends we get along very well and have the same interests and values ( of course with the exception of masturbation)
So I think I need help!! I want to let go but I cant! I am crying so deeply because I can’t understand why he chose that path and brought me down with him.
Why did he of that? I don’t want to leave him because of my beautiful children, he is an amazing father but I don’t feel free around him. He is a constant reminder of how he feels attracted to other girls so that is a turn off and in feel that I’m not myself anymore. I use to be a very secure with very high self steem, always joyfull and now I feel bitterness.
I kinda understand his point of view on why he committed those actions but it still hurts!
Any advice?
Help please!
( sorry about my spelling and grammar, English is my second language.)
Hi Dana,
It’s a hard thing to go through. It’s been over two years for us as well, and we still struggle with some of these feelings as well. Healing is a process, and the choice to forgive is a quick one, but learning to let go I think takes longer.
But, it sounds like you are having a hard time of it. Do you talk about this issue with your husband, or is it just the big thing no one brings up? I think one of the keys is to stay in open communication, let him know how you are feeling. No doubt he’s going through a similar struggle with feelings of guilt and remorse. I’d also suggest talking to someone who is trained in therapy or counselling. I know it’s an uncomfortable topic, but you may need help to get over this if it’s not getting any better.
I want to encourage you to fight for your marriage, don’t even let leaving be an option, because leaving it as an option will slow your progress in healing and reconciling, or perhaps destroy it. You can get through this.
Lastly, I’m willing to bet that your husband really is attracted to you, not just your body, but the whole you, and what he wants more than anything is real intimacy. Usually that is what guys are looking for when they turn to habits like this. It’s a bad place to look, but it’s the truth. Every husband I’ve talked to says the same thing: What they really want is their wife: available and enthusiastic. Nothing more. They don’t care how old they are, how many children they’ve birthed, what they look like, if their hair is grey, or if they are overweight. They all say the same thing. Check out this post for more information.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support! I started feeling better as soon as I started writing my thoughts and feelings, better yet reading your reply.
I understand that he was masturbating because he lacked the courage to confront real sex. But what bothers me the most and find difficult to understand is why my friends? Why masturbating to pictures of regular girls instead of looking for explicit sexual content videos or pictures. He tells me because of availability but I think porn is equal available. What it your opinion on that? He crossed the line in a very disrespectful way, because I fell so uncomfortable knowing that he had a moment of desire and passion with them.
You’re welcome. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Often it helps just to get things out of your head. I’m glad you felt this was a safe place where you could do that.
OK, so the burning question is “Why my friends?!” right?
Keep in mind, I’m no pastor, counselor, therapist, psychoanalyst or anything like that, just a brother-in-Christ who is going to answer as a friend would, so take it as you would any guy off the street.
I completely get that you feel a line has been crossed (and it has, don’t get me wrong). I also get how this might feel like a stronger betrayal than if it was “just porn”. But, to me, the first thing that popped into my head was “your friends are normal”.
I don’t think he was looking for sex, he was looking for intimacy. What it (and I don’t know), he didn’t really want your friends, but they were the closest he could find to having you. Porn has actresses and lighting and makeup and is utterly fake and void. But real people…they are real. And perhaps within the realm of realism. If what he was really longing for was a connection, then the faces of your friends might represent something more attainable in terms of connection.
Not saying it’s right, just saying that it might not be about being attracted to your friends. I don’t know, ask him. I may be way off base.
Secondly, count your blessings. 50% of Christian men are addicted to porn. Most of them are looking at the explicit sex stuff (not Facebook selfies), and it has a severe affect on the brain. You have luckily avoided a ton of baggage with this. Again, not saying it’s good, but it could be much worse.
More than willing to answer any more questions or be a sounding board if you need to discuss more.
I am still amazed at how many people don’t realise that their partners are masturbating. It is now known that over 90% of us girls are at it sometimes up to eight or ten times per day and virtually every man does it.
Recently, on my sex blog I recounted how I managed to get my husband to actually do it for me, so that I could watch and it gave me lots of ideas for improving our foreplay. Yes he was embarrassed at first, but with my support it was a great event. I’ve done it several times and let him watch.
I don’t know if my link will work, but you can always google me and add the word blog if you would like to read about it.
Masturbation is certainly NO THREAT WHATSOEVER TO A SOUND MARRIAGE!
Hi Angela,
Thanks for commenting. You make it sound like 90% of wife’s are masturbating multiple times per day. I’m not sure I believe that figure. It certainly goes against any statistics I’ve seen.
Now, I agree, masturbating together can be a wonderful experience, but I would disagree that solo masturbation is not harmful to a marriage, sound or otherwise.
It comes down to sex drive. Peter and I rarely need to masturbate as our sex life is still vibrant, several times per week in our sixties (63 & 65 him). I do know couples, though who make love fewer times than once per month and that can be very frustrating for the other partner. Masturbating can relieve some of that frustration. Outside marriage I do know that when I was at Uni several times a day was not unusual. I’ve been looking for the 90% survey results, but all I can find on Google is my own references to it so it looks as if it might have been withdrawn. Annoying when that happens. If I find it I’ll post the link here.
Hi Jay,
I have been unable to find the 90% statistic so it must have been on a page which has since been taken down, so probably wrong. There are several which say 60%. Anyway sorry I mentioned it. It is a major problem with the web, that errors can be multiplied innocently.
Hope you took a moment to look at that other link. It seems 13 an 14 year olds are doing it much more than in my time at that age. I wonder if that is the influence of porn on the web or maybe that they are less inhibited by parental abhorrence of the practice these days.
I read the item you wrote on solo masturbation, but disagree purely on the basis that I don’t believe in a deity, but understand where you are coming from on that.
I presume, from the other article that you might be an advocate of telling children not to masturbate because it is a sin. I have always thought that saying it being dirty or a sin or bad was not a good idea and was no longer practiced.
On the basis of “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” would mean that no man would ever tell a child not to masturbate?
It is good to find an interesting blog to read. Thanks.
Best regards,
Angie
Interesting having someone who doesn’t believe in a deity quoting scripture to one who does.
Yeah, I’d say the 90% was probably inaccurate. That’s OK, glad we cleared it up. I’d still like to see the sources for 60% if you have them handy.
Many people disagree with that post on solo masturbation, both within and outside of Christianity. That’s OK, I know it’s not a popular view point.
I am an advocate of telling children not to masturbate, but not on the basis that it’s a sin. Rather on the basis that I believe they are damaging their future marriage by doing so. “It’s a sin” is rarely a reason in and of itself. Sins are going against God’s will and God’s will is for us to be healthy and happy. So, if you are sinning, then it stands that you are doing something that is contrary to your own happiness and health.
For example: It’s a sin to work on the Sabbath. Why? From a purely “rules” perspective, because God blessed the seventh day and made it Holy. But if you dig into the Bible, when people are reminded, it tells us the reasons: We need a day of rest, once a week. Science, specifically the field of chronobiology dealing with circaseptan rythyms. We’re also told that it’s a reminder that God is the God of creation. And we see that when churches started disregarding the Sabbath, their views on Creation started to disintegrate as well. The catholic church was the first to change the day from Saturday to Sunday, and now their official position is that the creation story is a myth. Now, you won’t believe any of this, I understand, but my point is that there are reasons behind the things we call “sin”. They are not arbitrary.
All these “rules”, against sexual immorality, lying, stealing, cheating and even for budgeting, tithing and stewardship, they all have a basis in improving our life. All that to say, I would advise against masturbation because I want their sex lives to be amazing.
Now, as for the scripture you threw out. Good job, but there is a big difference between throwing a stone (killing someone) and rebuking them, which the Bible tells us is our duty, to keep our fellow Christians in line with God’s will. The act should not be condemning, but rather done in love. Now, you cannot stone someone in love, I don’t believe. But I don’t think Jesus was saying that you can never try to help someone by correcting their mistakes. This would undermine much of parenting, teaching, leadership and a host of other roles and principles.
I’m glad you like the blog, I’m enjoying the discussion and the chance to respond.
Honestly I’m the same way. I am very open about me using porn or me master baying in front of my husband. But my husband hides his masturbating as it is illegal. I encourage him to her if I’m not in the mood. So why does he feels the need to hide it from me?
Probably because he knows it’s wrong…you’re saying it’s okay doesn’t mean it is.
I think you all might be missing a part of the story. A little explanation from a Christian husband.
A little background first. Most men develop the habit of masturbating in their teens, usually with the aid of porn. The “benefits” of porn are the easy accessibility and the variety of fantasies one can enjoy.
Soon after the excitement and spice from a marriage wanes, men can relegate back to their old habits for something “new”, something “different”. A lot of men will choose this over sex with their wife for those reasons. The combination of old habits and the desire for something new make some men prefer masturbation over sex. To a woman, it sounds paradoxical–why masturbate when you can have the real thing?, but those are the main reasons. Also, it explains why certain men can only orgasm via masturbation and not through intercourse.
Don’t believe what this world is trying to tell you that satisfying one’s sexual urge from solo masturbation/porn is not damaging to a marriage–it simply is. These habits will continue to build up until sex between a husband and wife will stop completely. You can imagine how a relationship like this makes it prone for affairs, etc.
Solutions:
1) Submit yourselves to God for help and wisdom
2) Be open with each other and understand this problem will not be solved over night but mutual love from both is necessary.
3) Keep your sex life alive. Work on it. Practice it. Go on vacation. Spice it up.
Last words:
To the women: this is undoubtedly very difficult for you to cope with. You will feel hurt, cheated on, and not as “good” as the women in those pictures (which is definitely not true). All of these reactions are justified. But know this, I think most men really do love their wives and these acts are mostly physical feelings rather than loving another over you. It will not be easy to accept him but do your best to help him get through this bad habit.
To the men: you are not alone. Most men suffer from this problem and should expect to encounter different waves of these habits throughout the rest of your life. Remember though of the gift that God has given you—your wife, someone who loves you and wants to have sex with you. Don’t give up on her, yourself, and lastly, God. You can get through this! Also, having a pastor or good friend who can be accountable is helpful. You can open up to that friend when you fall. Having an accountability partner will help you get through this.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13
P.S. there is a movie Fireproof that is a touching movie of a couple experiencing something similar to this and how they got through it
I haven’t had time to read ALL of the posted comments, but I have seen a common theme in many of those I have read: women are not having sex with their husbands during their periods. Why not?! If you are worried about the mess (and sex is always a little messy) then put an old towel underneath. I cannot imagine refusing to have intercourse with my husband for something as “insignificant” as menstruation.
I don’t know. Just not something either of us (my wife nor I) have ever been that comfortable with. I can probably list a few possibilities for why, but they’re just theoretical, I can’t pinpoint what exactly it is that makes us shy away. We’ve started, in the last year or so, to push the limits at the end of her flow, so it’s something we’re experimenting with. But, in this case, it’s not like she’s refusing intercourse, because I’m not asking.
I have been married for 30 years and discovered my husband was masturbating while I was out of the house and he was home.. I didn’t find any evidence of porn use on the computer or elsewhere. I aked him one day when I returned and he denied it. Finally he admitted it because of the tissues I had found . Now he said he was embarrassed to admit it, which I believe and that he was doing it because we weren’t having as much sex as he wanted to have , but didn’t want to bother me. I realise I have been very niave. Now our 4 children have left home there is the opportunity for him to do this . What upset me most was what or who was he thinking of while he was doing this. He said he was imagining me and him and doing things that I probably didn’t want to do. However when I tried to find out about masturbation and men to understand it more , I read over and over on the internet that all men did it to thoughts of other women and those who denied it were lying. I found this really hurtful and when I told my husband what I had read he said he didn’t think of other women. But then these forums all said of course he denied it.What husband would admit it. Apparently surveys say 98% of men do fantasise about other women. This has caused hurt and a barrier now between us. Are these statistics wrong? Please could you tell me from a mans point of view what you think. Are there so many men like this really? Or are the ones who do this say this to justify themselves . Thankyou.
Hi Lorraine,
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s a difficult place to be.
Let’s assume the 98% statistic is accurate (which I’m not sure about, it seems a bit high). Even so, it leaves a 2% allowance, which is about…100 million men who only think about their wife. It’s not like he’s one of a few if that were the case.
Now, that said, I think within Christian circles that 2% would be much higher.
So, you found no evidence, you haven’t caught him watching porn in the past, and frankly, his explanation makes sense. So, you have the choice to believe your husband, or not.
Another option is to have more sex. The kids are out of the house, what’s stopping you? If he’s telling the truth, then more sex would mean no more masturbation, therefore no more issue. That would probably solve a lot of problems actually by boosting intimacy, making your husband feel more loved and respected, and chances are you’d see a lot of growth in your marriage. Give it a shot, what’s the worst that could happen?
This whole thread is comlete and utter bullshit……my wife just got mad at me for materbating, are you serious? If a man can’t beat his own dick what the fuck can he do? It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I have been married almost 8 years and have never once cheated. I have never got another woman’s number, went out with any females, you get the drift. I really don’t think I’ve been out without my wife, I.e. Clubs, bars, etc. her on the other hand, goes out all the time without me, drinking and partying, I don’t care, nor do I try to control another human being, But I can’t masterbate? It has never interfered with our sex life, if anything, it’s helped. Anytime she’s in the mood I’m supposed to handle my business. when she’s not and I am, what is a man supposed to do? Matter of fact, Close this discussion after my post.
The problem is most women are on one way, double standard streets. Shhh, don’t tell them that.
I nearly didn’t approve your comment due to vulgar language, but you seemed to be hurting, so I thought I’d take a chance.
So, because you don’t their (wives’) viewpoint, you think it’s “bullshit”? You’ve been married 8 years, but you don’t seem to be very happy about it. And it sounds like you aren’t having much sex. Understandably, that would make anyone upset.
And it sounds like she’s leaving you at home a lot and living a lot of her life away from you. I’m sorry this is happening.
As you said, you cannot change the other person, so I’m going to focus on what you can do.
Perhaps you should sit down and talk with her about it, share your feelings and that needs you feel aren’t being met. I think you are using masturbation as a cover up, to numb the pain and to avoid the real issue, that your marriage needs some work.
Often we find it more comfortable to sit in our misery than to stand up and fight for our marriage, and to change the things that need to.
And I agree, most women are one way, double standard streets…so are most men. We humans really are a piece of work, aren’t we?
I’m in my mid 50’s and I’ve been addicted to masturbation for 49 years. How a 5 year old boy starts at this kind of thing is beyond me but my parents never showed emotion and fought all the time. Perhaps that helped.
Masturbation is a counterfeit love that is really no love at all. It causes withdrawal from reality, self pity, loneliness, an endless frustration and ultimately self hatred. It is the cause of much fear and anxiety – a fear of love and an anxiety with regard to other people. Because your sexuality is who you are, this self frustrating and self defeating way of expressing what should be love affects every part of your being. In other words, masterbation affects who you are. There is nothing in your personality that is not in some way influenced by this vicious addiction. I call it my drug addiction (to myself and God). Since childhood I felt ashamed, degraded and inadequate. I feel as though I have never grown up and cannot relate to other men who behave like, well, real men. And then later came pornography and that added a whole new destructive pace. I have very few friends and my marriage of 26 years is a non marriage. Our sex life lasted 18 months and I always until recently blamed my wife. Even in marriage, I felt isolated and unwanted. And yet my wife has always been there for me. No, she does not know about my addiction I think and hope that she never does. Years ago she voiced concern about what may be wrong with me but I did not know myself.
Recently by the grace of God, I have been given a reprieve from this habit. I have lived chaste for many, many weeks now. I feel finally freed. For 47 of the 49 years I tried to quit the vice and have always failed – until now. But this is not my doing because I know for a fact that I can not stop of my own accord. I truly believe that only God can give you this grace.
As for the business in some of the posts above about whether men can go 7 days without sex etc. Don’t fool yourselves – get real! If a guy can’t live chaste before marriage he will cheat in some way once married. There will always be dry times. Masturbation is cheating. It does not strengthen your marriage or help in any way shape or form. And pornography is a vicious habit that degrades absolutely anyone involved and worse – it eventually brings you to see every attractive woman as a sex object and nothing else. No wonder one feels ashamed when one partakes of these things. Even your co-workers can become secret sex objects. It’s a pathetic sickness, Trust me I know. And I’ll bet that there is more than one guy who will read this post, if you let it be posted, and will know exactly what I mean. As for the oral and manual stimulation that some women mentioned above I think (even though I’ve no relations with my wife yet) that if your man is addicted to masturbation and such don’t do those things. He can become addicted effortlessly. If he has a drinking problem don’t take him into a bar.
Trust God for it is only He that CAN actually help. I look forward to a continued freedom, to grow up and to finally give my wife my love that she so desperately needs and deserves should have had all along.
Wow Ken, thank you for that testimony.
Congratulations on getting this far in your attempt to break free. I hope you may have the marriage God wants for you. Though, I should tell you, to achieve it, you probably will have to tell your wife. Marriage is about more than physical intimacy, it is about spiritual and emotional intimacy as well, to know each other fully, and this is a big part of who you are, what has shaped your life.
Stay strong, God Bless.
Good day! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I really enjoy reading your blog posts.
Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that cover
the same topics? Thanks a lot!
I’m afraid I know of none that hold the same view of masturbation as we do, sorry.
Thank you so much, Jay. For all the great advance you have given ppl, May God bless you for al that u’re doing. For God children. I have been married for 3 yrs now and we have a two months old baby girl. My hubby just confess to me that he have been masturbating…I was so shocked I can’t event describe it, how hurt I am. He’s a Christian a great man of god, great hubby( as I tought :() how could this be ??? We haven’t talk about it yet, I don’t know how to start confronting him on this issue, where to begin? I slept on the coach. Should I be worried about him changing my baby’s diaper?? I taught we had a great sex life, he seem happy every time we were intimate.i just don’t know where I went wrong.. Please help!!!
Great men of God still fall. They are still human, and we are all sinful. Statistically 50% of Christian pastors are currently struggling with pornography issues.
You definitely need to talk about it, and be understanding and supportive of him becoming free of this. It’s OK to express that you are hurt and angry and all those things, but don’t stonewall each other, don’t shut down. Don’t stop loving each other. You will need each other to get through this.
I’m not sure what this has to do with changing your baby’s diapers though. You’re the second wife to say that, and I don’t understand the connection.
As for what you did wrong, this may have nothing to do with you, believe it or not. Wait until you talk with him, maybe he will be able to give you some insight into why he’s struggling with it.
Thanks again Jay, we talked he said he was sorry and asked for forgiveness. I asked him all the questions I had in my mind, he did explain himself. I’m happy for that, now I just need to try to trust him again and move on from that… The diaper thing lol Its was something that went off in my mind, thinking since he cannot control himself maybe when he will be changing the baby he might touched her inappropriately. ( I also said sorry to him for asking him that kind of question.) It’s a stupid question but he say he will never do that…Lol. Thanks for your advance God bless you. 🙂
Trust is a choice. But also, you should know this is probably the beginning of a journey for your both, not the end. Use this as a method of opening communication and trust, of being more transparent in your marriage about your needs and struggles. It will change your life.
Thanks Jenny ,after read you ,i have understand many thinks from my husband
My husband tells me I am enough for him, but I have been noticing while were watching tv that he touches himself, alot! I dont know how to ask him, Ive asked him before if he masterbates and he told me he hasnt done it in years. Am I niave to believe that? I try to make myself available for sex, oral or a hand job-I told him I will always do something for him, he just needs to ask, but he wont ask for a handjob or a blowjob, I always have to initiate. Should I be worried?
It’s quite possible your husband is just shy of asking. It can take a fair bit of courage to ask for oral or manual sex (because of the onesidedness of the activities I think). We’re taught to be unselfish, and on the surface, those look like entirely selfish requests (though they can build the relationship, and some wives really enjoy doing these things, so I’d argue they are not always selfish).
As for touching himself a lot. I don’t know if that’s indicative of a masturbating habit. If he says no, and you have no evidence otherwise, then you have to choose to trust him, or not.
I’ve spent all night reading your entire blog after I caught my husband masturbating again. We’ve talked about it before and he agrees that masturbation outside of marriage is wrong but tells me that it’s okay now that we are married because he is thinking about me. I’ve tried to accept this but I still felt so extremely hurt, because we have sex consistently 3 times a week, never less than 2 a week. I came across your blog when I was trying to figure out why I still feel so hurt if it isn’t wrong, like my husband says (and he is a very godly man, which is why I married him), but I couldn’t shake the hurt. When I started crying reading your post about why men masturbate, I knew you hit the nail on the head. I do feel that it’s sinful, hurtful, and damaging to our intimacy and love. How do I lovingly confront my husband about this? That I want him to find satisfaction in me alone, to build the kind of intimacy and love that you describe, that I feel he is betraying when he masturbates despite frequent sex? And how do I do this out of love when this is the worst timing ever? I am 37 weeks pregnant with our third child, and as I saw in your other posts, this is going to be an extremely hard time for him? I am trying to think outside the box how I can keep him coming to me with his needs during this time but I definitely struggle with getting touched out while establishing healthy breast feeding routines. Help, please. Bad timing or not, I want to be enough for him. How do I ask him to stop, because based on the level of hurt I feel, I do think it’s sinful, and I want better for our marriage? How do I communicate this in a loving way?
Oh Kay, I can feel your hurt right through the screen! I want to give you a hug. Jay showed me your comment this morning and I’ve been thinking about you all day! I’m trying to get my thoughts together on what’s happening here. One thing I’m wondering about is why would he need to if you are available for him and willing, plus having sex 3x a week is great!
Even if he doesn’t feel like it’s wrong inside the marriage, he has been keeping it a secret. He knows it hurts you, why continue on doing it?
I wonder, would you guys be able to have a civil conversation about it, and be able to hear each others side? I think he may not understand how deep this hurt is hitting you. He needs to listen and understand what it is doing to you. If he understood how deep the hurt is going, would he be able to do it without feeling guilty?
I will agree with you, it is kinda bad timing, family adjusting to a new little one is challenging for everyone! Dads often get forgotten. I tried so hard to meet Jay’s needs after our youngest was born, but I had my own issues with PPD setting in and it was stressful! I failed in that department pretty badly, but we got past it, and you guys will grow through all this too. I wish I knew what I could say to help you feel better. I hope that you guys can have a good conversation about it and he’ll see what he’s doing to you by disregarding your feelings on it.
Thank you SO much for your reply, Christina! I was actually in the middle of talking to my husband about this when you posted your reply.
My biggest concern was that I did not want my husband to feel like I was attacking him over this, so I decided to simply ask him to read the original “Why Married Men Masturbate” post and let me know his thoughts on it, then tackle the issue based on his response. Thankfully, he was convicted by the time he reread the verse about his body not being his own, and especially when he realized just how much I was hurting. So it was an amazing conversation and I’m not sure what I was so worried about in approaching him!
But thank you for mentioning your experience with PPD. That was the one twist in my conversation last night that caught me off guard, and frankly really stung. He confessed that it was a bad habit (addiction, I’d argue) that he fell into when I experienced severe PPD after our second child; I was eventually hospitalized for a week because of it. That is one season in our marriage where I obviously fell short when it came to maintaining sexual intimacy because I was struggling to merely survive (literally). I have asked his forgiveness specifially in this area more than once, so I was shocked and quite hurt to learn that we were still dealing with the aftermath 3 years later, after 2+ years of resumed frequent intimacy. I don’t think he meant to blame me but just offer an explanation, but I’m still really hurt by it, especially since frequency returned to 3x a week starting the moment I got help for the PPD. I am hurt the behavior didn’t stop at that time and I’m still not sure how to deal with this new wound…
Anyway, it opened up a good conversation on how to baby-proof/PPD-proof our sex life this time around. I am still working through some of the hurt, but I am encouraged that things can and will be different this time.
Thank you for your support and for this blog for inspiring some good and much needed change in my marriage! Keep up the good conversations!
You’re sexually intimate with your husband 2, sometimes even 3 times a week consistently and he still masturbates? That is definitely plenty enough sex and throws out the argument that “he’s not getting any” out the window. What would happen if stuff came up one week and you were only able to be intimate with him once that week? He needs to work on his self control. Just because you’re horney and you see a woman in a short skirt or something doesn’t give you an excuse to masturbate. He needs to start appreciating what he gets from you.
I disagree that it can’t be a frequency issue. Just because you are satisfied with 2/3 times in a week doesn’t mean everyone else is. I have occasionally masterbated due to the fact the desires for my wife were not being met. She feels that 2 or 3 times should be enough. When my desire to be intimate with her are not being met I find it difficult to focus on my work or other activities and taking care of things allows me to be able to focus without putting undue pressure on her. She would say that I am being unreasonable but try to tell my brain that. Our level of intimacy is probably not far off what it would need to be. If my DW would be willing to find that level of intimacy that would satisfy me we would probably be somewhere around ever other day. I would rather never masterbate again for the rest of my life as it feels really shallow. I would rather make love to my wife. The advice to my wife would be to find the point where your husband can’t handle more sex than he is getting and then find the comfort zone so he doesn’t feel the need to look after things because he feels he is putting undue burden on you.
This reminds me of how a heroine addict claims it’s a need. Honestly, I think you’re choosing to self-pleasure rather than learn self-control. But, I understand it’s an addiction, and hard to stop.
Hello,
Before my husband & I got married, I caught him looking at porn several times and he would always deny it at first them he would finally admitt it. I haven’t caught him since July of last year but I know he has to still do it because I believe he’s addicted to it. He’s been looking at porn and masterbating for 20 years. When I caught him the last time I was pregnant with our daughter and it’s hard for me to get the image out of my head of me seeing him getting off to another woman. We started going to marriage counseling last week and went again today. The counselor was basically telling me that it’s me that has the problem not him that I’m insecure and have no self confidence. I am really hurt and bothered that she made me feel that way. My husband told the counselor that he masterbates to porn because he likes the way it makes him feel.That hurt me even more. I don’t know how to get over the hurt and negative feelings I’m having towards him. If anyone can help, please let me know.
Hi Gina,
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Sadly, that’s the problem with going to a non-Christian counselor. The secular field is focused on the freedom of self, not your marriage, in fact, many “marriage counselors” will now suggest divorce at times, which is appalling.
For your situation, I have two thoughts:
1) In a sense, you do have a problem, while your husband doesn’t, because he doesn’t recognize it as a problem. So, you need to make it clear to him that it is a problem, that he is negatively impacting the relationship by his behavior. He needs to understand how it makes you feel, how it makes you distance yourself from him, how it affects your respect of him as a person. The difficult part is telling him that from a position of love.
2) You need to realize it may take him years to come around, or he may never. To survive it is going to take a mindset shift. He’s been doing it for 20 years, so I’d argue he’s probably addicted, which means he’s mentally unwell in this case. It is possible, though difficult, to see this as a mental illness. To recognize that you still love your husband, but certain behaviors (being a mix of choice and compulsion) you hate. And you can work towards helping him with this addiction (knowing that he doesn’t see it as one yet).
If you and your husband are Christian, then I would suggest telling your husband you need to talk to the pastor about it, and then go talk to the pastor.
Hello, so my husband and I have had issues before because his drive is a lot higher than mine, but recently I’ve been better and I can say in all honesty my husband doesn’t go a day without having sex with me. He even expressed how happy he was that I’m more into him. Well the other night I saw he had put up a pic of a woman in a short top and mini skirt in the garage. I was a little annoyed but didn’t make a big deal. He sensed my annoyance and apologized saying “i didn’t mean to offend u, ur far more beautiful and ur all mine” I thot “how sweet, I’m lucky to have such a husband….that same night I woke up in the middle of the night to find him on the couch watching porn on his phone and masturbating. I was livid! The next morning I tried to let it go, I’m usually very quick to forgive in order to avoid fighting. Unfortunately I’m still hurt, I voiced my feelings and exactly how it made me feel and he seems to understand. He was apologetic but I feel like I can’t trust him, I’m hurt and I don’t know how to just get over it. We already talked about it so what else can I do? I don’t wanna resent him…
Chrissy: get a an awesome vibrator and start doing it yourself.
I would strongly counsel against this. Instead of working to repair the damage, she would allowing it to not only continue, but give it space to grow. This would create a larger wedge in the marriage, and create more room for independence, when a marriage should be build on mutual dependence for sexual needs.
My husband just admitted that he masturbates, and i kept on asking question on who is the person he is thinking when he masturbates, he told me name of an actress. It hurts. He told me that he did that because he was in a hurry and will be late for office so thats why he chose not to call me. I dont know what to do. We only have sex once a week.. Because his work is at night.. So we cant do it during day time since our son is already awake. He is not initiating anything. Sometimes i try to touch me but he is not reciprocating anything because he seems so sleepy already.
I am having a lot of problems in my marriage. We been together 5yrs, married 2, and I have recently found out and he has confirmed of cheating with random women he has met. Now that it’s out in the open and after he denied it and lied about it for all these yrs, we are trying to rebuild, but it is extremely hard because I am so hurt. He also has a serious masterbating problem he says started when he was like 7 yrs old. When we first got together, we had sex all the time, but during and after 2 pregnancies sex was very uncomfortable and hurt where my hormones would make me dry and I had very little sex drive and we would go months without sex! I’m pretty sure that is when the cheating started. So now I like want to have sex every day, and I even try to initiate it, and he tells me he is not in the mood or he is tired most of the time. I try to give him oral frequently and I am good at it, but he still rarely orgasms from it and after like 30-40 minutes I am tired of doing it. He admitted he master bates a whole lot and that he is very ruff when he does so has he ruined his sex drive or what??? What can I do, I want to please him and I want to be pleased too!!! Btw we are in our late twenties so we are still very young and we have a total of five children together, with our youngest being 8months old and he still sleeps in bed with us.
I am having a problem like this too. I am a Christian and my husband was when we were married. No he just doesn’t care about God and that breaks my heart. He began the military before we were married. I wrote to him every day of his grueling day of Basic Training and he wrote back when they gave him time. His letters were sweet and loving and kind. He said he hated all of the guys who talked about sex and women in a nasty way. His letters showed how much he wanted to learn about God. Then he graduated with a different attitude. Went to six months of training and changed. We got married right after training and he only seemed a little different. We have been married just over a year now and have a precious baby. My husband is sweet to me but as soon as he is around other people it is foul horrid language and bad jokes. Whether or not I am around. He goes to Church and likes to but doesn’t seem committed. Our son is 4 months old now and I had a C-section plus a LOT of complications healing and postpartum anxiety. He told me that he had in the three weeks that our son was alive masturbated around 10-13 times. That made me feel so bad. That is more than once a week. That is so often. We have a good sex life now but yesterday I asked because I wanted to know he was happy in that area. He said yes he does. Whenever I am sleeping and the baby is asleep (which he told me before he always slept then) in the bathroom or shower. Just because there was nothing else to do. He starts to explain more and then says “I don’t know how to explain it” and gets mad. Is it me? Am I not good anymore? He use to watch all kinds of porn before he became a Christian and met me (he came to my Church and helped me with math. We then later that year dated after High School) and now he doesn’t as far as I know. He reads these stories that are online written by regular people and kinda like episodes book style. I read with him sometimes and he started that when I was 8 out of 10 months pregnant. It was about girl on girl and threesomes and some pretty bad sex. He said he reads it just because of the story but pregnant me started bawling and he said he would stop. He still reads them. Now he is masturbating.. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel frustrated because he works then comes home and says he never has time for his online Japanese anime show and then says he masturbates because he is bored. I am going through a lot of panic attacks and stuff and being treated but is that it? Have I messed him up? He doesn’t want to be a CHristian anymore I think. Did the military change him that bad? I love him with all of my heart but every time we talk about it and I tell him it makes me feel bad he just kisses me and tries to have sex. HOW DOES IT REGISTER THAT THAT IS A GOOD IDEA? What do I do? I am in tears typing this. Please, some help would be great
I came home from work early and discovered my husband laying in bed with his phone and masturbating. I feel devastated by this and I honestly don’t want him to touch me. Am I being to dramatic?
Yes and no?
I think it’s entirely appropriate for you to feel anger and distressed and feel distant. It’s not appropriate to hang on to those feelings. You should be working to move back to a spot of love, trust and respect.
Have you talked about it with him?
I was happy to see a site based on Christian values. My husband and I have been married for two years. We recently got in a huge fight, that I don’t know how to resolve. He had been openly masturbating next to me in bed at night at least once a week. He would do it quietly, but I’d wake up feeling him! It crushes me every time. I’ve yelled at him, cried with him, even refused to sleep in the bed at times. I’ve tried calmly talking to him about it, and most of the time he denies it, or says he must have been sleeping and didn’t know he was doing it. But I know he’s lieing to me, which hurts me most of all. We have sex at least 2-3 times a week. The other night we had amazing sex twice in the night, and I woke up a few hours later to him going at it! I don’t understand why he is still masturbating!?? And why he does it right next me knowing how hurtful it is to me. He tells me he’s completely satisfied sexually. I’m starting to worry it’s a compulsion. But he only gets mad and defensive, and when the few times he has admited to it, he doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with it? He says I’m wrong for making him feel bad about it, that it’s normal. How many more times do I have to feel disgusted and disrespected? And he says I’m crazy?! I even check the lube we bought for our sex life, and it’s almost become an obsession on my part trying to catch him. I’ll find the lube has been moved, or his boxers with cum in them. I check almost every day, and I’m continuously hurt.. I don’t know how to fix this when he doesn’t think it’s wrong?! And btw, we have an awesome marriage in every other way. It’s weird. Any advice?!
Hi Lynn,
That’s difficult to deal with, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you both have a lot of work ahead of you.
Given that you’re having sex 2-3 times a week, it’s probably not due to a lack of sex. It could be some sort of emotional need he’s not feeling fulfilled with, or it could be that this has persisted so long that he doesn’t know how to stop, he’s trapped in addiction. And if he is addicted, then his anger and defensiveness make sense, because it makes him look weak that he can’t control himself.
What if you write him a letter instead.
Let him know you are aware of what’s going on (the masturbating).
Let him know you still respect him and that you are willing to help him through this, as his partner (this may help, a bit, with him feeling ashamed and may make him more willing to open up).
Let him know that you do feel hurt and disrespected, but that you are going to do your best to move past these feelings in order to help him.
Your husband is trapped in a cycle of sin. We all have these in our lives. He needs help, and the best person to help, I believe, is you. You are the best person positioned to help him feel secure, loved and respected to give him the strength he needs to fight this. And it will be a fight. Most men don’t just stop. It’s a process of trying, and growing, and there will be setback and failures. But first he needs to acknowledge the issue. And a letter may be easier for him to answer in than an in person confrontation. It might be easier for him to respond with a letter as well.
And it’s not fair that you are going to need to be the strong one for a bit to help him while he’s down, because you are hurting too, but life isn’t fair. You vowed to be there for him in sickness and health…well, it’s sickness time and we’re going to see how those vows come into play. You can do this, he can beat it with your help, and God’s.
I’m a married man and I masterbate. I expect that most men do. For me masterbating and sex are not the same thing. Masterbating is like scratching an itch, whereas sex is like a massage.
I wonder if your wife feels the same way.
I know this is an old post but I just came across this page for the first time and it has helped me through a difficult time. Before my husband and I met I was in a long term relationship with someone and we had a wonderful sex life.. Sex everyday. Wonderful, passionate, good quality, never the same, sex. The relationship ended though and I started dating my now husband and when he didn’t want to have sex everyday and would refuse me I was floored. I asked him if he ever masturbated and he said no, that he never had much as a teenager and now that he was in a relationship and could have sex he didn’t really feel the need to. His lack of sexual drive made me believe him. Well me, being used to more sex would masturbate and it didn’t bother either of us. We got married and had a baby and sex was something that if it happened, cool… If not.. Well that’s life. Well one day I was doing laundry and he said he was going to go take a nap so he went to our bedroom and shut the door. After a while i needed to go put clothes away in our closest so I snuck in our room so as not to wake him up and caught him going at it under the covers. At first I thought he was being funny then I saw the shocked look on his face and realized he was really doing it. I ran to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. My previous boyfriend had masturbated all the time and it hadn’t bothered me because we still had very good sex everyday. But my husband had told me he never masturbated so I felt lied to. Plus I felt like our lack of sex was because he had been masturbating behind my back our entire relationship. I left the bathroom and never confronted him though. I was too embarrassed to talk about it and at the time wasn’t even really sure why I was so upset. Fast forward to four months ago… I’m 9months pregnant and I realize that there is about to be a six week period that we can’t have sex… Doctors orders for time to heal. I ask him to not masturbate the entire six weeks and I won’t either and we will save our selves for each other when the time is over. I know that’s a long time but it was our last baby and I felt like it wasn’t much to ask to focus on my healing and taking care of our baby. Two weeks into the six week I catch him nasturbating. I have never felt so sick in all my life. I cried the entire day. I confronted him this time and told him how hurt I was. I just didn’t think it was fair… I was swollen and hurting in that area and exhausted from no sleep and sex was the last thing on my mind and I felt that he should be too wrapped up in our baby to even be thinking about sex. And if he couldn’t even save himself one time in his life for something as important as child birth then how was I to trust him if we ever have to be apart for other reasons? He has to travel for two weeks Fir work next year, so how am I supposed to trust him then?! After this I became obsessed with trying to catch him doing it. I would constantly be worried and call him if he was left home alone. I vowed to myself that I would never masturbate again (though I hadn’t in a very very long time anyways) and couldn’t believe id ever thought it was ok for either if us to do that anyways. Fast forward again to this past Friday. My husband got a vasectomy. When I picked him up from his procedure he had some post op instructions that I read… He had to ejaculate 20+ times by next month then provide a sample for the dr to make sure the procedure worked. As soon as I read this I got physically ill. I knew that with a new baby and it being the holiday season and we’d be having company or traveling the next few weeks that having sex that many times will be almost impossible and that he would enevitably use this as an excuse to masturbate. I’ve cried multiple times a day since his procedure because now him masturbating almost feels like cheating to me and that piece of paper was basically ordering me to make sex happen a certain amount of times in a time frame or my husband must cheat on me. It was lot of pressure. But all the while I’m wondering if I’m insane for feeling this way. Then I read this blog and realized that I’m not wrong for not wanting my husband not to pleasure himself without me and it gave me the courage to finally tell him that I don’t want him to ever do it again. I think me breaking down in front if him and crying finally got through to him how much it bothers me. He’s promised that he won’t masturbate again and that if I can’t be the one to make the 20+ mark for him then that’s just going to have to be ok. I have never felt so relieved. And, he has to heal for a few days before we can have sex and him being the one out of commission for once has made me want him… It’s made me want to improve our sex life so that he never feels the need to nasturbate again and I’m ready to start working on that. I’ve been in a relationship where sex is important and I guess that is gotten used to me and my husband not having sex much and just thought that’s how he wanted it so I backed off. It took finding him nasturbating a few times to realize how much that hurts me and that I want to make sex better and more frequent so that I can be in a relationship with good sex again. I’m so glad someone out there understands this and wrote sonething educated and from a biblical stand point on the subject, THANK YOU
Wow, what a story. Thank you so much for sharing it. And congratulations on the changes in your marriage! Thank you for the encouragement about our ministry. We’re so happy to be a small part of God helping you in these times.
I am 51, my husband 55, and we have been married 28 years. A few years ago my husband told me he had to masturbate when we did not have sex as frequently as he would have liked. I had never given it much thought until then. I masturbated once in a while also. I felt terrible about neglecting our sexual relationship though. He was obviously not happy with our sex life. I was a busy working mother with 3 children, and sometimes life seems to get in the way of husband and wife relations sadly. Our kids were older when he told me this so we worked at focusing on ourselves more.
Sex always was, and still is, wonderful! We usually have sex 6-7 times a week since then. Night or day, in bed and other places. I initiate often and am willing to try new things. We both seem very happy and fulfilled. I even mentioned I thought it would be a great turn on to masturbate together. He said, “oh yeah?” but nothing more was said about it.
A few months ago I realized my husband is still masturbating, maybe twice a week. When I asked about it he told me “I don’t do that anymore.” I was shocked and hurt. I felt insecure that I may not be satisfying him, or that we still are not having as much sex as he would like. I was crushed that he lied to me. I brought it up one more time. He replied, “I told you I don’t do that any more.” But he does……when I go outside to do yard work, or run to the store. It’s obvious when he does and now I am so paranoid and insecure I find myself looking for signs.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because of this and rummaged through the house in a fit of low self esteem, looking for porn. I did not find any. The fact he is still masturbating bothers me, but that he lies about it hurts deeply. Why would he masturbate when I am right here, available? Why would he lie about it when he knows I am okay with it, even suggested we do it together? I am confused and worried. I’d love some male feedback on this.
Hi Jillian,
Let’s see if I can add some male feedback. The most common reason men continue to masturbate when they are having regular (or in your case, frequent) sex is because…they like porn. You said you went looking for it, but porn these days can be, and often is, digital. There’s not much to find. I’m not saying he is using porn, just saying…it’s a possibility.
And it’s entirely possible he’s addicted and can’t stop, or is having trouble stopping. In which case, if he is, he might be very embarrassed and frustrated by it, which would explain the lying. Of course, he could just be addicted to masturbating as well, but that’s less common.
So, one thing you could try, is going to him and saying something “I believe your watching porn and masturbating. I think you might be addicted and might need my help to break it. I’m not mad, just a bit hurt, but I want to help you.”
I think the key would be for him to know you still love him, despite this struggle of his.
That’s my thought anyways. If you have any follow up questions, feel free to ask.
I appreciate your feedback, thanks. I guess it’s possible he might be addicted to masturbating. My husband does not use computers, I look things up for him. He does not have a smart phone. Digital porn is not an option for him at home.
What confuses and hurts me most is his dishonesty really. I believed we had a truly honest relationship. I question trusting him now which is a big issue for me to get past. And I am confused about him lying about this particular topic. He must feel guilty or that he needs to hide his masturbating which makes me wonder why. I am still shocked and feel quite confused by it all. I guess we need to talk about this but I am not ready and I feel certain he is not ready….. or willing. I have read so much from husbands saying this is perfectly normal, all men do it. It’s not the same as sex, which is always better and preferred, but just a good feeling. So then why would he not initiate sex with me when I am right here with him, then masturbate when I leave? I guess I need some time to sort out my emotions before I approach him. It just hurts.
My husband and I talked about masturbation. I was not surprised that he did. I’ve read a statistic that on average married men get sex with their wives 2-3 times a week and masturbate 4-5 times a week. Sounds to me like men need sex EVERY DAY. So that’s what I tried to do for my Husband.
What I found out is that his drive has grown stronger which is normal, but my desire for him has grown as well. I enjoy our daily intercourse, and I send him off to work most mornings with a blowjob, just to make sure he doesn’t get distracted before he gets back home to me. Sometimes to keep it interesting we masturbate together. I told him I never want him to orgasm without me. He knows that whenever he needs I want to be there and will do whatever he needs me to. I began by serving my husband in this way and was a bit surprised to realize that I now enjoy sex as much as he does.
Because I am serving him, he has become a truly wonderful husband. Spontaneously helps with the house and kids. He often does all the cooking, cleaning and laundry on saturdays. I asked him why and he told me he wanted me “rested up for tonight!”
I am so saddened to see so many women experience the emotional pain brought about by their husband’s selfish desires. I am even more saddened to see so many in our society, many of whom are women, condoning male masturbation. I am a man with a very high sex drive and I can assure you 100% that we men can go a week or even a month without orgasm of any sort. Is it easy, no, but if you love and respect your wife, you will put up with a little sexual frustration. There is simply no excuse for it besides plain weakness. When men masturbate, most often to images of women, be it a woman modeling lingerie, a swimsuit, or a sundress, it is not only disrespectful to the wife and a form of infidelity, it is also disrespectful to those women as well. Regardless of what they’re wearing, they do not deserve to have their images used as some sort of masturbation tool, it’s degrading to them and to women in general. Having sex with your husband only once a week is not an excuse for him to masturbate. If he truly cares for you, then he’d be willing to live with sex on a weekly basis and would not take it for granted. Sex is not a need for a man, it’s a want, and I’m tired of our society making excuses for it. The frequency of sex and what women wear and do in society is no excuse!
Wow, dude, you really need to do some more research before including me in your blanket statements. Have you dealt with the pain of a habitually unfaithful wife for 16 years? Or the anguish of being denied for up to 5, 10, 20 or more *years* at a time? Have you now become our Judge to rule the rest of us weak? Sex is a need. It is a biological as well as God-given need. Or why do you think “discharges of semen” get mentioned in the OT? So after about a few weeks (for me three at max), unless you want to change your undies and sheets in the middle of the night and wake the kids, you take 30 seconds in the shower without any thoughts at all (because thinking of *anything* strikes a dagger into your heart and twists it because your spouse won’t “indulge my selfish desires” in the last 6 months or has not been home from her trysts in 3 while I take care of all inc. kids) and obtain a physically pleasurable but soul-wrenching relief.
But you are too busy Judging what you obviously have not taken the time to research. Or you’d know that a male can reach orgasm in as little as 20 seconds, without even an erection, while keeping their mind blank or focused on physical relief. Focusing on other women takes too much time.
I need to get off my soapbox now.
My prayers are with you. I think you need them.
Yes, sex is a need, but it’s a need of the marriage, not the individual. You will not die without it, though your relationship might. Thus, solo masturbation is not nourishing the marriage, only fulfilling individual desire.
And David is judging the behaviour, not your heart or you as a person. I’d argue that biblically, it’s his duty to do so. Christians like to focus on the “judge not” verses and ignore the “judge righteously” ones.
I’d say mess the bed, wake the kids, let your wife see the results of her denial. Deciding to masturbate, to take the easy way out just means being an accomplice in your wife’s sin.
As for males only needing 20 seconds…well, maybe some, but certainly not all of us. Regardless, you are having a sexual experience without your spouse. I don’t think that’s what God intended for you.
And I think we can all use prayers.
James 4:11-12
“Who are you to be judging your brother?”
Paul was referring to obviously scandalous behavior. Again, goes back to Porneia requiring more that 1 entity. Paul could have used different wording, but didn’t. This isn’t loose conduct or brazen conduct, therefore requires intentions to judge, which we just cannot do. Therefore I apply James 4:11-12, since I cannot find any true black/white on the matter. Even the OT doesn’t quite specify “how” that “emission of semen” got there, does it?
Also, wife was not there (had not for two months), doesn’t (still) care about sin. I would call it more a victim of her sin (causing someone to stumble). But that was many years ago, before I was in the Truth (so I guess 1 Cor 5 doesn’t really apply either). I do see things a little different now, and always recommend against it, but I just won’t go judging in generalities when I cannot know even a little about a situation.
If your wife is having an affair, then I think you need to consider leaving her, Unfaithfulness is a serious marriage deal breaker and no one should have to tolerate it. With that said, I think that if a happily married man is masturbating just because his faithful wife doesn’t put out as often as he likes, then that’s wrong. Even single men should not be masturbating, because it objectifies women. Why can’t a man go without sex for a week or two and still treat a woman they find sexually attractive, no matter what she’s wearing, with enough respect to abstain from masturbating to her image?
In many cases, we’re not talking about 1 or 2 weeks, but 1 or 2 months or 1 or 2 years.
A happily married man probably does not masturbate. If he needed to, he would not be happily married.
Not all masturbate to an image of a woman, so generalizations should be avoided.
Unfaithfulness is *the* deal breaker in a marriage, but even then, we’re not supposed to just jump into it. Christianity can be tough on a person if you don’t look at the long term.
I’ve been in a 9 month scenario, and I’m sticking to my guns. It’s still wrong. Her sin doesn’t justify mine.
I never would think you’d abandon your guns, Jay Dee.
And until some new scroll is found that says “thou shalt not spank the monkey” or some such, I’ll be on duty by mine as well.
I will admit, though, your position is safer in just starting a ban from the mechanics on up.
It’s not the mechanics that concern me. It’s the damage to one’s relationships. I see that already in the “scrolls” we have.
I would argue the damage is already done. And these mechanics can prevent a full fatality. They won’t help healing one bit, but could prevent things from getting worse.
Here’s a thought, twisted possibly: Could we apply Mat 5:29-30 to the one-flesh part causing us to sin? Maybe this should go on your other blog. . .
I think it prevents things from getting better. You accept the deception that it’s a way to “deal” with the situation. But you aren’t dealing with it. You’re submitting to her sin and matching it without own allowing you both to continue sinning, never growing. You accept the lie that this is just the way it is, and allow Satan to win by permanently corrupting your marriage because you are both comfortable in your patterns of self righteousness.
Oh, and so, no, I don’t think that verse applies. This isn’t a body part were taking about, this is your spouse. The two of you’re one, and so, in this, you will prevail or fail as one. Cut her off, and you will have failed.
I just can’t believe how many Christian women are so melodramatic over silly little issues like masturbation. Honey, his body creates semen, and that needs to be released somehow. Wet dreams are nasty. Masturbation to release semen is just a body maintenance chore, not much different to washing his hair or shaving. How do you think he took care of his needs before he married you?
They’re not being melodramatic. They are hurt because their spouse is not living up to their vows. The Bible says that their body is not their own, but their wives, and they just found out their husband is experiencing sexual experiences alone, something that is intended for a married couple to experience together. I think they’re rightfully upset, and it’s certainly not a silly issue.
So what?! My husband has a body, he can masturbate!! I have a body, I can masturbate too. Our intimacy level is without measure one of the most transcendent, beautiful wonders, and the legitimate “third party” in our relationship that knows no argument, feels no worries, and is 100% safe. Masturbation is not an insult, a deviation of a sin. Get over it people. If you walk in on your husband masturbating, ask him if he would like a warm wet wrap around him, and if he does, hop on or give him head. If he doesn’t, to back to whatever you were doing and don’t give it a second thought.
I think the Bible is clear that our body is there to serve our spouse, not ourselves.
I need some help. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and he struggles with a masturbation addiction. He and I love each other very much. We want to have a child and cannot conceive because of this issue. He has a very high libido. He desires sex everyday and sometimes multiple times per day. I almost never refuse him. We do oral sex, I let him cum on me, whatever he wants. I am willing and enthusiastic and want to make him happy. However he works from home at a very stressful job. Sometime he masturbayes when I’m at work during the day and not around. He does it for stress relief from work and to go to sleep at night. He can’t fall asleep otherwise. We have talked about it and he doesn’t want to stop. He loves me and tells me he is thinking about me when doing it. But we can’t conceive because of the frequency. The dr said we should have sex every other day to conceive. But he can’t hold out that long. Also because of jacking off he often can’t come in me. It’s only an issue if I’m at work, away from home for few days (business trip or my parents home) which isn’t often. If I’m on my period, I give him a blow job. I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts my feeleings. He does care about that but says he cant/wont stop
What would you do if he was having multiple affairs and claimed he couldn’t stop?
Just because he has a high sex drive, doesn’t give him the right to do what he’s doing. I think you’re making matters worse by having sex with him often. Like any addiction, his body needs to adjust to being able to go without it for a while, so I suggest putting off the baby for a short while until this is fixed. You need to express to him how hurt you are by all this and how insulting it is to you. You have to convince him that what he’s doing is wrong on so many levels and to instill in him the desire to change. I would take drastic measures and refuse to have any sexual contact with him unless he promises to go without masturbating for 24 hours. Once that’s achieved twice or three times, make it 48 hours and so on until you eventually reach a week. Don’t let him know all the details of your plan, just that you’re going to help him break his addiction. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as having too much sex/orgasms. If you can eventually get him to a state where you’re having sex weekly, then his body will adjust and he’ll be able to control his urges. The hard part will be getting him not to masturbate. There are chastity devices I’ve seen on Amazon that can help, but again, he has to really put in the effort and not cheat. He needs to throw away all the female sexually degrading images he has that will tempt him and install a filter on his computer and phone. When you’ve finally broken his addiction together, you can go back to trying to conceive a baby, but never go back to having sexual contact everyday or multiple times a day because it will throw his system out of balance again. Good luck.
I disagree with this. There is nothing in the Bible that would substantiate forced chastity after marriage. Rather the opposite, that there is no such thing as veto power, that if one spouse wants to have sex, the should do their best to accommodate. Of course, the intent is that it is done out of love, rather than obligation or duty.
To try and stop his sexuality all together? I think that goes against God’s will.
I think I actually agree with this approach somewhat because sex addicts are advised to abstain from intercourse and masturbation until their brain gets used to the decrease in post orgasm chemicals released by the body. When people over expose themselves to a stimulant, the brain begins to build new receptors for these chemical stimulants and the body begins to demand more and more of the chemicals, so weaning him off would actually help, though I don’t know much about those devices mentioned or how effective they are at preventing masturbation. It sounds like an extreme approach but then again I’ve never been that desperate for a solution. It’s true that the bible says you can ask for sex from your spouse anytime, but not when one spouse is addicted to the post orgasm rush, only when the couple are both at a normal and healthy state of desire. Not being able to go a day without doesn’t sound normal to me, I mean what if his wife gets sick? Trying to stop his sexuality is wrong, yes, but trying to regulate it for his own well being is a good thing because the road he’s headed down is not a good one. It’s like how some alcoholics that have eventually been able to get back to drinking occasionally, but can’t drink three or four drinks a day because they’d go back to being addicted again. Being religious, I like to promote moderation with my family, whether it’s TV and video games with the kids, the food we eat, or sex with the hubby, because I don’t think any one of these things should totally consume our lives. I wish Kelly the best and will keep her in my prayers.
Promoting moderation, even hold one accountable to it is one thing. But when you refuse, you are forcing moderation, and I see no biblical basis for that.
And the Bible says nothing about not complying with 1 Cor 7:5 if there is an addiction present. Where do you get that the Bible says this?
So what the majority of the women here seem to be saying is that they would rather have their husbands be sexually frustrated than to just allow him to simply masturbate and feel better. Others seem to be saying that if he needs release, they should be the ones doing it. Are you willing to take on that job? Every time your hubby gets horny, you’re going to take care of it with a handjob, blowjob or intercourse?
Men are biologically built to want sex all the time. It’s Natural Selection 101. Those primitive ancestors of ours that lacked the desire didn’t reproduce and yielded no offspring. Those with a strong drive reproduced often and their line is what survived and continued the species. So the result is now we have a bunch of horny guys and thank goodness we do. You owe your life to it.
The disturbing part of all of this is how most women here seem to think this simple physical act of maintenance is either harmful (it’s not) or sinful (it’s not). Unless you’re up for sex everyday, lighten up on the hubby and let him relieve the pressure that builds up. You all seem very self-righteous and judgmental. Until you’ve lived as a male, you will not understand how it feels to have sexual frustration….made worse by a glaring shrew who makes you feel shameful for simply needing a little relief.
Well, I would disagree with most of that.
1) I don’t believe we are influenced by evolution on the level you are submitting. Rather, I believe our drives are created differences.
2) I don’t believe it’s not sinful nor not harmful
3) Even though you use it as an argument, I do believe spouses should be willing to “relieve the pressure” whenever needed. That is the biblical model (1 Corinthians 7:5).
…And I’ve lived as a male…still am in fact.
Why does a man have to immediately act on his urges? Is it too much to ask that he wait until there’s an appropriate time to be with his wife? I don’t get this instant gratification culture, it sounds extremely selfish. What ever happened to a little self control? A real man would rather wait a little and be with his wife than to get instant gratification, it’s a worthwhile sacrifice. You don’t spoil your dinner by snacking on junk food cause you’re hungry, do you, so why do that with the most important person in your life?
No argument here. Though, lamentably, some men snack on junk food because the meal never comes, or it only comes on the rare occasion. For them, junk food feels like survival, though I think that’s a deception.
When my wife and I got married we agreed on the rules and one of our rules was we would never tolerate pornography or filthy literature in our house. I have held to that absolutely and she has also. I have not had any involvement with pornographic material since our marriage.
I have heard people in our church talk about, shall we say, other stances on this issue and my opinion is that that is their business.
We have never discussed the issue of masturbation and I feel it is not a good idea to do that. Having said that I know my wife has one of those extra special showerheads women especially like and also she uses Betty’s Barbell, which is a device women use to tone and shape the female musculature. After three all natural births, the last two at home, her gyno recommended this and I can tell you it has made a very positive difference in our physical life together.
It’s my strong belief that the issue of whether or not masturbation is a sin per se is a private one, but if you do it, it is important to not let it become an issue in the marriage. You should have respect for your spouse. Really, if you are going to do it, can’t you do it somewhere where your spouse won’t be confronted by it?
It’s the same principle as with your children, if you have a pet dog or cat that has to be euthanized, when they are at a young stage, they don’t need to know about the mechanics of having the beloved pet put down. When our old basset hound became too ill and infirm and his days were up, our children were quite young. We never lied to them, but when they came home from school, he was gone. (My wife took our youngest on an outing with her mom.) We told him that he had passed away, which was true. We prayed that God would help us deal with his loss and thanked God for the years he had been with our family. Six months later we got a new dog. She was a blessing too, and when her time finally came, the children were old enough we could tell them more.
I’m not saying that wives (or husbands) are like little children, but we don’t need to confront them unnecessarily with disturbing things.
Perhaps a better example, perhaps not, but we don’t need to confess all the bad things we did before we were saved to our kids or our spouses either, those things are past. I did things I don’t want my kids ever doing and I often feel that telling them some things is like letting them feel that “If Daddy did it, even though he’s sorry and it was wrong, well if I do it it isn’t quite as bad”. Some things are between us and God. Bringing them up serves no good purpose.
I thought I’d try this out and post my experience after reading quite a few other shared thoughts. I stumbled across this blog because I walked in on my husband masturbating in the bathroom this morning…right after we had sex. I feel hurt among other emotions, but needed some guidance on where to go from here. We are in our 1st year of marriage and have an 18 mo old son. Anyway, we have had this issue before where I found out he was watching porn and he admitted he struggled with it and we seemed to work through it. This was at least 6 months ago. Recently, I’ve been dealing with some of my own issues like post partum depression so it has been tough for me to want to have sex and I usually have a high sex drive! He has been really patient and supportive but this morning made me realize it may be worse than I thought. He woke me up to have sex and we continued to do so but he didn’t finish. He said it felt good but he needed to get a shower for work. I was getting my son breakfast and needed to go in the bathroom to get my glasses. The shower was on so I went in without knocking and found him sitting on the toilet looking at his phone. He turned it off quickly and looked startled. He got up and went to the sink and I realized he wasnt exactly…soft. Before I even asked, he said he was just texting his co worker Jason but then I asked were you masturbating? And he said yes. (But also txting Jason. Ha ok). I was upset but didn’t say anything after he was finished getting ready for work. He said he loved me and kissed me goodbye for work. He didnt bring it up and i could tell he felt bad/ashamed. The whole time im feeling disgusted, sad, rejected, hurt, almost cheated on in a way. He KNOWS how I feel about porn and its effects to those involved. I understand men need sex and I know I could work harder in that area even though I’ve been working through some emotional issues. But it hurts to know he has been lying to me and now he has to look at some other woman to get off? He always tells me I’m beautiful and sexy every day and I’m sure he knows this hurts me but I don’t know what to do. I would usually get pretty upset and tell him then and there how this has hurt me but I didnt feel like wasting energy on it. I feel pretty defeated. Any encouragement or other resources would be super helpful. Thanks in advance.
I want to mention we are both born again Christians and God is the center of our relationship. I know we are not perfect and are inevitably going to sin, but I would like ways to prevent this. Especially since he has told me numerous times he is done with porn and he doesn’t do it anymore. And it’s obviously not true. Thanks!
What if you went to him and said something like “I know you’re struggling with porn and masturbation, and I want to help you.” Do you think he’d accept help? If he is, I have some ideas that might help.
My situation is somewhat similar to most but yet a little different. I have been with my spouse since an early age and we have been together for over 25 years total (married 8). We have no children and I was OK giving up my dream of having a family for him because he didn’t want kids. In the past couple of years, I have noticed his desire to hang around with the younger crowd in general. I do feel he is also going thru a midlife crisis with turning 50 (I will be 41) and I question if he is maybe addicted to porn due to the frequency. My issue is this: I do not have a problem if he want to looks at porn and masturbate until I start to feel like my needs are not being met. When I try to bring it up, he doesn’t want to talk about it and has already said that nothng I could do different could change him, tells me he loves me, and even makes dlirty, sexual comments towards me, which I love. We will go several months (sometimes over 6 mths) with no sex but he will look at porn and masturbate multiple times per week. I have unintentionally walked in on him several times in the past couple months. I have let him know that I would like to occasionally participate but I never get invited. If I try to initiate sex, he tells me I’m being aggressive and rejects me (seems odd for the man to reject a more than willing woman??). This is the only issue in our marriage and it only got bad in the past couple of years. I am desperate for some advice because I am not able to talk about this to just anybody without feeling embarrassed or exposing him (no pun intended). Beyond that, our connection is great, our interest are very similar, etc… It is just the lack of sex but increased porn/masturbation that I’m scared could end something great not to mention my fear that would he take it further into having affairs too? I do believe he suffers from depression as well but trying to get him to accept help, I don’t know that he would. I’m at a loss of what to do or try next and I almost feel somewhat resentful that I gave up my dream of having a family and 25 yrs of my life and can more than likely never have my dream now without help from the medical field or adopting….I almost feel robbed. All I ask for is even sex once a mth and at least some intimacy. I just feel really inadequate and hurt when its not the porn/masturbating itself that is the issue but the frequency he does it at while I lay in bed either sleeping or wide awake feeling like there is something wrong with me. How do I lovingly approach all of this and try to get him to see my side? I do love him with all my heart and hate to end what we do have going for us when right now, this is the only issue we really have.
Well, to be honest, I think your problem IS the porn. Because porn tends to have the effect of causing people to distance themselves from true intimacy, and thus real sex. So, while you say you don’t have an issue with the porn use, you obviously having an issue with the effects.
It’s a bit like saying you don’t have a problem with your spouse drinking, so long as he remains sober…
My husband didn’t have to admit that he was masturbating, he said this is what he was going to do! He told me I was a horrible and a uneventful partner. I had no imagination or fantasies, men like different thing to make sex interesting and fun. I didn’t like this idea I only wanted one way, so he just said forget it don’t bother or touch him he was going to find a sex book and masturbate. That’s been going on now for 40 years now, he still watch some porn and won’t bother with me. We haven’t talked or associated with each for years, I’m to old to care any more
I think if you were too told to care, then you wouldn’t be commenting, or reading a post on the topic. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
I thought of this as I read and skimmed through the comments.
The Apostle Paul said the reason to get married was to avoid burning with passion. This means that marriage is about 2 people having sex.
The other thing he says in the same book even is that he wished that people would stay as he was, and that was single for the purpose of not going through all the problems that married people go through.
I just find it ironic that we’re supposed to get married to satisfy our sexual desires as a benefit of marriage, but it turns out to be such a problem, the ones that Paul said we would have we got married.
I started masturbating at 9 or 10. It has nothing to do with my wife. It’s just something that I do sometimes. Sometimes I do it after I read through some of these Christian sex blog websites.
Keep in mind that Paul would have been married earlier in his life. His station in the Jewish community wouldn’t have allowed him to be single. He was either a widower or a divorcee.
Makes sense. It explains why he would make the statement about problems in marriage.
I’m sorta in the same situation although a little different and I don’t know what to do or who to speak with to help me get over this. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and it wasn’t until after we were married that he admitted to me about his past. He struggled with an addiction to porn which he felt screwed him up in regards to his sexual relationship. He often tried to compare real life to porn and eventually realized that porn was unrealistic. I’m blessed that he shared this struggle with me. I know this wasn’t something that was easy for him to bring out in the open and I’m thankful he had the courage to do so. We haven’t had any issues with this area until recently. This past week we had a snow storm pass through my husband had the day off while I had to work since I work at a hospital. He told me he felt guilty about something and since he’s always honest with me he didn’t want to keep anything from me. He said it doesn’t happen often but when he was alone that he had a time of weakness and masterbated. My response was like it’s okay thanks for telling me. It wasn’t until he continued to tell me that he lost his focus when on Instagram and fell to temptation which led him to masterbate. I’m not so upset that he masterbated but more so upset that he did so to photos of other women. If he felt the need to do so he could have easily used photos of myself from my lingerie photo shoot that I did as a wedding gift. This is the hard part for me to get over. I already have low self esteem and self image struggles that this definitely doesn’t help with the situation. We’ve prayed together and he’s asked for forgiveness for sinning against God and against myself. I know once I forgive him in my heart I’ll be over it but it’s hard getting past that point. I know me not being able to forgive is Satan getting in between our relationship!
What have others done to move past this? Any help is greatly appreciated!
I think the most helpful thing is to realize we’re all sinners. We’re all in the boat in that way. We may have different struggles, we may have different temptations, but we all make mistakes. Now, sexual sins are difficult to deal with. They hurt more, they’re more personal. They’re not greater sins, but they often have greater impact, especially on our relationships. But, still, it’s a sin.
So, I think sometimes it’s helpful to equate it to something you are struggling with, whatever that is. Perhaps it’s chocolate (a common source of temptation for women), or anger with the kids, or buying shoes, I don’t know what your triggers are. But remember the struggles you have in whatever your struggles are. Realize he has the same type of temptations, just with different things. How often do you slip in your trials? What if it hurt him as much as his hurt you? Do you think it would make it easier to stop? Maybe. Maybe not. Temptation is … very real, very difficult.
Secondly, you have no idea how blessed you are that he was willing to come to you with his sin. That is a rare and precious thing. To have that type of intimacy, for him to feel safe enough to come to you. You must have done something amazing in your marriage to have earned that kind of trust. Way to go!
Thank you! Your words have definitely helped and put perspective on the matter. After talking things through with him I shared with him how it made me feel. We both felt broken for a few days but have slowly got back to where we needed to be. Honestly we needed to be broken because that’s where it was brought to our attention that we haven’t put forth enough effort into our relationship. We became comfortable and had the same daily routine: work, eat, watch tv, sleep. I feel like we’ve started over and are dating again. We are starting to fall in love all over again and it’s incredible. Thank you again for your wonderful advice.
Yay! I’m so happy for you. Way to go!
My husband doesn’t care that I know he masturbates alot. I told that I wanted to know why and what’s wrong with me. He just said I was way to boring and that I wanted nothing to do with new things. He was half right ! I still felt horrible and dejected. Then he told me that sex wasn’t to happen again and that his imagination is great and he reads paper back porn books and has a talented hand. He wasn’t going to change his way of life. He’s 71 and has ed but he still tries.
I’m sorry to hear that Amy
My husband and I have been married for a year together for 3. I have caught him several times in the shower at it and found a history of porn on his phone and I brought it up he got all defensive and said he will stop but now he is humping the bed he says he asleep but he’s not he takes his trousers down and I can here with swallowing and awake breathing. Sometimes we only sleep together 1 time a month he says he will stop but keeps breaking his promises.
I am going through the same traumatic experience which I hate so far. My first and his second marriage, we have been married for almost 2 years and I can count in one hand, the number of times Him and I actually had intercourse. But my calculator doesn’t have high enough numbers to count his masturbation sequences. It hurts, depresses me, and I begin to disrespect him. It is usually the same hour of the day, It simply disgusts me and I can’t come to terms accepting it. I have brought this topic up a couple of times, but I get him more irritated than before. So I let him be, as I care about him too much to let him go. I have asked him to come with me and see a therapist, he refuses categorically. I am assuming the reason his ex asked for a divorce was probably the same thing I am living with right now. I am honestly fed up and don’t know how to handle it. I want to help him but he must be open for help. “he isn’t”. He is in love with his hand and cheating on me with it, cause that is how I feel.
I feel rejected, and unatractive. Though I am a model and sexy attractive woman.But his satifaction is somewhere else. Do I have to consider myself lucky he is not with another woman but just his hand? This is sick, very sick…
No, I think it’s perfectly natural and acceptable to feel cheated on. You might need to bring in a third party, whether he wants them there or not. A pastor or elder perhaps? Or a trusted friend who he respects.
My husband is a good man, and I always held him in really high regard… but I think I have been really naive and uneducated about men and their sex drives. I recently confronted my husband about masterbation , after two weeks of very little affection, and definitely no sex… I was in emotional turmoil because I felt like he was so uninterested in me… This has been a long trend in our 7 year marriage actually… he doesn’t pursue me or initiate for long stretches of time… and I feel rejected and insecure, so Im too afraid to initiate…I always try to give him the benefit of the doubt, we have a lot of stresses in our life right now, and I thought he might just be preoccupied…but then I read about how men needed sexual release every 3-7 days or so…had no idea before… and after doing the math, I was like…ohhh, I feel stupid… I finally got up the nerve to ask him about it… he admitted to it… I was not confrontational about it… just tried to be understanding… he said, “its just easier”… and I recall a comment he made one time after sex, about how it was “hard work.” Hard work? I dont want to be hard work, or just another thing on his to do list… or just the second less preferred option. We waited till marriage to have sex…although he had multiple partners before me… he was my first, and I was just that good christian naive girl… then I found this site… and I am trying to educate myself… feel like IV learned a lot in the past week! But, I now have this big insecurity and complex… that I have to make it easier and quicker for him… which means I enjoy it far less… so that he wont view me as “work.” I think I need more than anything, to feel like he wants me… and I have this ticking alarm clock in my head now… counting down to 3-7 days that if he doesn’t initiate, I have to do something sexual for him so he isn’t tempted, so that I can be his only source… but it just hurts so much that he doesn’t choose me… I mean IM not a bad looking girl… why am I not worth the work… he says confidence is the most sexy thing to him… he is the only male attention I am getting… if I feel like he doesn’t want me… what does he expect… no I am not going to feel very confident.
Sorry this is a late reply. I wonder if by “hard work” he meant emotionally hard work? That is what most men would mean – that you or he have erected barriers to having sex, like kids awake, sleep, romantic conditions, chore-play, etc. These make it harder for him especially. These barriers may have been raised unintentionally, or unconsciously. Sometimes they are what wives want, and husbands don’t mind either because they don’t have to work at intimacy then. Sometimes men are trying to be “thoughtful” and not “bother” their wife. They’re wrong, but is he getting this vibe from you? His secret masturbation, whatever the reason, can lead to resentment in both of you because because neither really want it, and yet can blame the other. My wife told me, “I want you to know that I will make love to you or satisfy you whenever you want, however often you want. Come to me, I love you.” And she lived up to this. Made all the difference in the world to me. It now is not a problem to wait when necessary. The problem is gone.
I bet 99% of them women who complain their husbands would rather masturbate don;t look anything like the woman their husbands married.
There are a lot of wives who’ve posted on here who’s husbands I feel very, very sorry for.
I don’t think that matters. At least, 96% of the husbands who filled out my spousal attractiveness survey said it doesn’t.
Bingo. I wish more people understood this. It isn’t just the physical act. It’s the emotional connection.
7-10 days without it ? Are you kidding me? Maybe some guys don’t care if they go that long, but I sure do, and way sooner than 7 days.
Look, this varies from man to man, I’m sure, but plenty of men, myself included, want their wives to be a vibrant, active sex partner every day, sometimes more than once in a day. Remember how it was when the two of you were first together and having sex all the time? Well, for some guys, that’s not a fluke of hormones. It’s how they want their life with you to be.
You’re worried that he might be looking at porn? While that could be a psychological problem, it can ALSO be just another manifestation of the problem, like masturbating. He wants sex with YOU and when he can’t get it, he turns to masturbation and porn.
I can tell you something else from a male perspective. Masturbation and porn are weak substitutes for what he really wants. They may relieve some immediate tension and stress, but emotionally, they are huge let-downs and always feel like failures afterward. And this accelerates a death spiral where your man will feel more and more unloved and unwanted every time he has to turn to these substitutes. Remember, every time he does that is another time where for him it is like, “Heck, I would have to do this if I were a single guy. Why am I even married?”
What he really wants is more of YOU. And he wants YOU to want sex with him as much as he wants it with you. If that drive between the two of you is this disparate, this problem is not going to go away. It will lead to isolation, loss of communication, and eventually the break-up of your marriage. Take it from somebody who has been there and lived with this pain (including the divorce).
Remember, before you brand guys as shallow and cheap… Sex for a lot of guys isn’t some cheap, simple, physical thing. It makes them feel like they belong to you, like they are loved, like you want them. Without it, they start to feel, “Heck, she doesn’t want me. Why do we even stay together?”
oh finally! I read about 60 comments of pure garbage before I skipped to the bottom to ask what the hell was wrong with everyone.
You hit the nail on the head here: we want our partners and when we can’t have them or they say no it’s a small chip out of the relationship because we want to be close. We don’t want to pump and go or a 2 stroke job.
My partner used to say to me “only if you’re quick” about sex and it led to a steep decline because it hurts to feel rushed. Then she was hurting because I didn’t want sex as much so she felt bad about her body and thought I didn’t find her attractive. After I explained how it felt she didn’t enjoy it because she always wanted it to be 10 minutes at most and more around the 5 minute mark and that it felt like there was no intimacy or involvement she stopped saying that.
Sex is not a out the orgasm. I can speak for myself and most men I know that if they feel a really deep connection with their partner, they don’t mind if they don’t cum in the end because they’ve had this amazing experience with the person they love.
Now I don’t know why everyone is hating porn so much but it’s not something to cry over. If a man finds say, water sports arousing, 9/10 times he would never want to try it with his partner because he respects and loves them too much. A lot of porn is to serve a FANTASY, as in, NOT something he wants to do in reality. My friend liked swinging porn, but he would never, ever, ever, want to have sex with someone in real life or his wife do the same. She found out and was willing to try it and went to organize it and he broke down that she loved him enough to try but he said in real life he just couldn’t touch another woman and felt sick to think about. ..hence watching porn of it.
And lastly, yes, we feel horrid after masturbation because we just you, our partners, to be close to and intimate to, not our hands.
Jay,
I don’t think you are going to want to publish what I see in this post and comments. As a pastor and an older man, six sons with my wife, now 5 are grown, 4 married with their own children, and raising their own teenaged sons. Having counseled large numbers of young men and fathers how to raise their sons each to have their own powerful male sexuality, your approach to this wife’s issue is absolutely wrong and astoundingly damaging. Just look at the bizarre and horrific comments of confused, angry wives about their dysfunctional husbands. Please, go back to God and ask Him before you continue ‘counseling’ anyone else on this subject. Is it because you are of a younger generation of men who were never taught about their powerful male sexuality and what it means and what it does?
I grieve for what I have read here. I’m just so very thankful that God sent me men in my youth to take up where my dad left off when he died. I understood and held on in powerful faith Genesis 2:18. I knew what Leviticus 15:16-18 meant. To hear that at the time of my own semenarche, I would be responsible for where my semen lands was powerful and guided me those 10 years before I married and still guides me after all these decades with my wife.
Start with the men and end with the men. Then the women will follow. But, you will have to first know the authority and power of your own male sexuality before you know how to lead men to wield their own male sexualities.
So sorry for all these people who are unnecessarily grieving over what should and could be so powerful to make rock solid, deeply satisfying marriages to raise sons and daughters strong in faith in the God who created them male and female.
Pastor Will Coats
Well, so far you haven’t actually said much other than you disagree with what I wrote.
Dear Jay,
I’m aware of that except that I gave you some verses to start with. I don’t have time to minister the truth to everyone nor has God called me to everyone. I think I will use this article during a sermon as an example of what happens when a man submits to women’s demands for sympathy when the truth is that she rejects the fact that her husband is over her per 1 Corinthians 11:3 for her good. Even in this truth I doubt you will pursue God on it since you have built an enterprise around your own personal theology that appears to be compliant with the culture’s GenX philosophy of men encouraging women to be ‘strong’ rather than to learn submission. 1 Peter 3:1-6 is a good place to start. Are you teaching women to call their husbands ‘lord’? Does that idea freak you out, or does it propel you towards God, in the fear of Him, asking Him to reveal to you what He means by it? Women will never understand the truth of why God created them unless men teach them. It is what Adam did not completely do in the Garden of Eden. And the results are to this day, catastrophic.
I am deeply sadden by the countless men like you who are leading women away from God and His Christ instead to towards the Truth that God has to free them. Sexuality between a man and his wife is powerful only in God’s Truth by Him who purposefully makes it powerful.
Pastor Coats
You should read some more posts on this blog before you put your foot in your mouth on the pulpit. Perhaps start with these:
https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/household-leadership-according-bible-gender-lead/
https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/household-hierarchy-physiology-say-lead/
and then these to see how the Bible moderates between the extremes of your view, and GenX’s
https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/line-biblical-submission-doormat/
https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/should-i-listen-to-my-husband-or-god/
Good grief, Jay. 1) If you believe God’s hierarchy, then why didn’t you point this out to the woman in this article? 2) You blew it on your example of tithing. Do not counsel women like that.
What you are doing is very dangerous for marriages. Being frank about marital sexuality is good and I see a lot of good here on your site. But, what the heck are you doing advising women about things her husband and pastor ought to be helping her with? If God has, indeed, called you to minister to couples about their marital sexuality, then stick to that. Always point to the authority in her life and how God requires her to submit to her husband. Again, 1 Peter 3:1-6.
If I do use you as an example of error men often fall into, God is clear to me not to mention your name or website. God will help you see His Truth when and where He has planned for you to know these things. Whether or not you accept what God tells you, I have no idea. I do wonder where you pastor is in what you are doing on this site. For now, there is no doubt to me that God has used me to warn you. You will have to go to Him to find out if I have heard from Him or not. Ask God if you have the fear of Him or not.
I hope in Christ His best for you. And I sincerely mean that.
Pastor Coats
As I said in the posts you read: A hierarchy does not mean suppression. If the husband is in the wrong, then no, the wife should not submit. She has a higher calling to submit to God. The husband does not have more authority over her than God does. Saphira died for following her husband in his sin. I will always point to the highest authority in people’s lives: God. I’m sorry you put the husbands above God. To me, that’s breaking the first commandment.
Thank you for the well wishes! I appreciate them. I have no doubt that Christ will continue to lead as I endeavour to teach people how to apply biblical principles in their daily life.
Hello, I got married last year and almost a year now. I notice at the beginning of my marriage that my husband was into kinky sex and his sex fantasies were a bit to much for me but I still did agree to all his sex wishes. I am always ready for sex and love having with my husband but many times i have found porn websites and have caught my husband masturbating. I have also caught him seeking for escorts and spa massages were they offer sex and other services. Once, we got into a big argument and he ended up searching for escorts and ended up even visiting escorts houses but he said he didn’t do anything and decided not to since he felt scared to get some sort of sickness but i don’t believe him because in his past he had done sex with escorts before we got married. He said he did that when he was younger like 20 years old but has not done anything like that in the past 10 years but that our argument has encourage him to search for an escort because he felt so stress an angry. He has serious anger issues though that is for sure. Can any men give me some advice here ? should i believe him? he ask me to help me and he promise me to always tell me whenever he feels tempted to go to those places.
I think you need some targetted professional help in your marriage. I would book a meeting with a marriage counselor.
Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and 1/2 years. I would say we are in a committed relationship but he has cheated a couple of times and even tried to persue others until I ended up finding out shortly after and he’d stop. It’s been about 10 months since he actually cheated on me last. Our biggest problem is his masturbation. When I have to be away for a night or two to be with a family member who lives out town and he can’t get the time off from work or chooses not to go with me, he will stay at home alone. It disturbs me because I know while I’m away he will masturbate but he will also do it while I’m asleep beside him. He has admitted to having a problem and even in our early relationship before we moved in together I know he was doing it. This is not something I agree to. I believe sex and intimacy is something you share with someone you love and care about. I have been committed and faithful in our relationship throughout the time and have forgiven him for the few times he’s cheated. I know it’s not for a relationship that he cheats but for the idea that i know he has a sex addiction. And he will find reasons and try to blame me for why it’s ok. Which I never agree too because I know I am not the one who has done anything wrong. We are sexual with each other and will have sex 2 to 3 times a week. But when I find out about him having masturbated that makes me upset and at times it may be only once a week. It’s very hard to share that with him while he’s expressing the same outcome while masturbating to porn. I honestly feel like it’s cheating. Because that’s a feeling you should share together. He will masturbate or cheat even when things are good between us. His choice of masturbating is to porn and not just the typical porn we think of; he has a fetish and enjoys watching bestiality. Bestiality pornography involves the sexual attraction of humans to animals. I find this very disturbing. He gets aroused by women getting penetrated by canines and equine or other large animals. I’m very hurt that he continues to watch this and masturbate to it. The only person that you should be aroused by is your spouse; not another female, male or especially the idea of an animal stimulating a woman. I accept masturbation but only in the idea that it’s either done together or by the mental fantasy that it’s with your spouse. I am very hurt by this and it has continued to put our relationship in conflicts. Am I wrong for having an issue with this and not accepting of it?
Hi Angela,
Well, first off, I’d highly suggesting stopping sex until you’re married. You say you are in a “committed relationship”, but it sounds like you are the only one committed here. He’s cheated a couple of times over 3.5 years? I’m not sure 10 months is enough to judge that he’s changed.
I don’t quite agree with “The only person that you should be aroused by is your spouse”, because arousal is often a sub-conscious process, however, I do agree that you should not entertain those thoughts or act on that arousal, and that’s the real issue here. But this shows a conflict in your mind as well. You think you should only be aroused by your spouse, and yet you aren’t married.
As well, the porn fetish, is not only “an issue”, it’s a giant blazing red flag to me. Frankly, it sounds like he cares more about himself than about you or the relationship. So, no, I don’t think you’re wrong to have an issue with this. I think you should run for the hills and not look back. I don’t buy that he has a sex addiction based on what you’ve said, it’s just that he’s selfish.
I am 22, and currently going through college. I first saw porn and masturbated when I was 7. And have had it in my life since. I have had times when I’ll go months with out it. But it’s always been on a cycle of about every week or so. I try hard to avoid thinking sexual thoughts and I manage pretty good. But they’ll come a day when I just get slammed and get really turned on, and cave. I’ve been in several relationships and I always make sure to let them know about my problem and most have been pretty supportive with scriptures and such and it made a major difference. But times turn and things change. I’m single friends are married off and lover have all gone. I am alone and I cannot bare to be in another relationship, I am tired of hurting and being a cause of pain. I have to live with knowing that no matter what, even if I overcome it, I’ll have to break my future wife’s heart when I tell her of my troubled past. Because I will not hide anything from her. For the mean time i decided I wouldn’t get into a relationship till I overcame my bad habits, though it has been a struggle that I have fought against my entire life, the heaviest of chains that burdens me down to my knees. It honestly feels like I’m fighting against an entirely different person. I’m so different in my daily life, I honor and respect those around me and love them with my every fiber. My soul howls, “what man am I, that can waiver from light to dark so fleetingly”! Reading all these comments assures me I cannot go into a relationship with this. Yet I see no escape. I have trying everything from therapy to recovery groups. I hate that I am a man in the aspect of sexuality. I dream and wish I had a key switch to my urges an sexual emotions.. I’d turn it off and hand it over my future wife and never pursue it again. But alas, such luxuries I will never attain. I have ADHD, the really stuff. I find even the most simplest difficult. Brushing my teeth in the morning has been a struggle to even rival my bad habit. And I found my triggers yet it is terrible hard to remember to avoid them. Porn kills loves, and I know that that is completely true. It is vile and poisons the soul, yet it manages to find me at my weakest and weave it’s way in. All I ever have dreamt and desire in life was to be the best husband and father possible. To fill their days with endless happiness, support, and love, but I struggle to be that man. Sorry for the length and its dreary nature, it’s just sometimes it feels good to tell your problems to those not around you who will judge you for it. Like fairy godmother or something. Ha or maybe I’m just crazy
My wife and I have been married 31 years. The first year the sex was pretty regular. Every one of the subsequent 30 years has met the definition of sexless, i.e. less than 10 times a year. In fact, since my testosterone levels started going down, 5 times a year would have been an improvement. For this reason, any husband who gets it 2 or 3 times a week and still masturbates is a selfish S.O.B. in my book. You have a wife that will put out that often and you still have to whack off? Really? My hand is great for a lot of things, but my wife’s equipment has been specially designed for this task. If she is willing and ready to go, why would you want anything else. Just having a wife that’s willing and ready to go is like an unattainable fantasy for me. Count your blessings, dudes. You have no idea how good you’ve got it.
I don’t drink alcohol because I don’t like the taste, but the Bible doesn’t say drinking is a sin or that it’s harmful, as long as it’s done in moderation. Jesus himself turned water into wine, and probably even drank it. Paul stated that what may be sin for one person may not be for another. He also says we shouldn’t cause a weaker brother to stumble, so I think that means that if he has a problem with drinking then don’t offer it to him or even to do it around him, but that doesn’t mean we have to give it up altogether. It means to be discerning in your actions. I think this can apply to many issues…even solo masturbation. I believe there can be a place for that in a healthy, godly marriage and the fact that theological discussion on the subject is split indicates this subject is up for continued debate.
Oh?
Proverbs 20:1 – Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.
Proverbs 23:31 – Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly!
Proverbs 31:4-5 – It is not for kings, Lemuel – it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.
1 Peter 5:8 – Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
1 Peter 1:13 – Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;
Titus 2:12 – Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;
1 Peter 4:7 – But the end of all things is at hand: be ye therefore sober, and watch unto prayer.
1 Timothy 3:2 – A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
Titus 2:2 – That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.
Titus 2:6 – Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.
How can you be sober-minded while drinking alcohol?
As for the Wedding at Cana, I will reference this.
There are quite a few biblical scholars who would disagree with your interpretation and a simple google search revealed multiple bible verses that do not condemn the consumption of fermented wine. This is one of them: https://www.gci.org/series/alcohol/bible
Who even cares what the bible says, it’s a fairy tale book. Live your life, not it’s. Plus, Jesus got drunk a lot in the bible, and how convenient it left out the years he was probably hooking up and masturbating. It did leave in the one fling he had with a young naked boy it said he “knew”. Knowing someone meant sex back then.
There are no verses saying Jesus got drunk, nor any hinting at any relationships of a sexual nature, let along with a boy. You’re going to have to provide verses if you want to push these sorts of accusations.
Yeah, I’m in the same situation. From day one I told him it was a deal breaker, I’ve caught him twice in our 10 year relationship and it hurt the most when I was pregnant and my libido was high and he rejected me 3 times in a month. Found out he was masturbating to videos of other woman giving head or getting fucked and orgasming, makes me sick to my stomach. I love my husband, but I don’t like him anymore.I told him knowing what he looks at, I can’t give him blow jobs anymore, because all I see is him masterbating to other girls doing the same thing I’m doing. Part of the reason woman give blowjobs is because it makes us feel special, powerful. That our man is so lucky. Well he took that specialness away.
It’s a huge turn off. Plus, I was a professional model, he met me when I was 17 and still he wants to look at other girls naked and imagine fucking them. I don’t do that! That’s not love. When you’re truly in love, you have blinders, you are fulfilled. I don’t go out looking for men and think about getting fucked by them and start masturbating because it feels wrong.
I don’t trust him anymore. We blocked his computer and I’m monitoring his phone. I told him if he breaks my heart one more time that’s it. I deserve the same amount of love as I give. He is a great father and a great man, but if he continues to pick other women over me he’s going to loos everything. It’s not that hard. If you told me to stop eating something addicting, like chocolate because it was hurting my husband’s feelings, making him cry every night destroying our marriage, I would.
This article seems like it’s filled with excuses. “we’re men, we have needs”. And women don’t? Screw that. If there’s a will there’s a way. If they say the can’t stop, it’s because they don’t want to and they are putting themselves before you.
No, this article isn’t for the men. It’s not “men have needs”, it’s trying to help you understand how you can help him.
The articles like this for the men are radically different. I hit them hard.
If it’s your sin, you need to accept that it’s sin, be convicted and work to change it. If it’s someone else’s, you need to be be merciful, full of grace and lovingly hold them accountable. Sadly, masturbation and porn use is so ubiquitous in today’s society that finding a guy who hasn’t been caught by this at some point is going to be almost impossible. Divorcing because of it is not because he’s using porn or masturbating. It’s because you can’t forgive him. As Jesus said, they only allowed divorce because of the hardness of our hearts. It’s not the hardness of the offender, but the hardness of the one offended.
So is there something wrong with me? First and foremost let me say I am dead set against my husband looking at porn and because it was once an issue he doesn’t anymore. He has freely let me look at his phone and his computer and for years would not even be on his computer or phone unless he was out in the open because he knew he needed to rebuild trust, and porn has not been an issue in our marriage for many years and we have been married for almost 16. I think porn is outright sinful as it is people having sex and I think if you get invested into it enough what starts out as simple sex fantasies can lead to rape fantasies and even child pornography which no doubt leads people down the road to being pedophiles.
As for masturbation when my husband and I first got married we were both virgins and I did have a problem with him masturbating especially since honestly in the beginning sex wasn’t great so his masturbating just made me feel more incompetent than I already felt. But instead of letting it become a problem and a barrier my husband and I really worked on our sex life and over time it became pretty good, even really great sometimes. Now my husband does not masturbate on a regular basis because he doesn’t have any trouble getting it from me, but he is honest with me about the fact that he does masturbate occassionally if for some reason we can’t be together like he is out of town and it really doesn’t bother me. I don’t want him to be frustrated. It would bother me if he was masturbating when he could be with me, but he doesn’t. So is it wrong that it doesn’t bother me if he does it only when we can’t be together.
I know how frustrating it is because I get incredibly frustrated when we can’t be together. Unfortunately for me masturbating is something I really just don’t enjoy and have never been able to orgasm doing. I need the touch of another to be able too. But if he can do it, and it does release his frustration should I require that he not do it even if it doesn’t bother me? If I am there I certainly expect him to me. I have had four children and even during the six weeks after when you can’t have sex would still take care of his needs with hand jobs and even enjoyed getting hand jobs during that time even if we could not have not have penetration. But the fact that he does masturbate occassionally if I can’t do it for him, there were also a few times I through out my back and couldn’t do anything doesn’t bother me.
I know it bothers some women because men often fantasize about other women when they do it, and I’ve asked my husband about that and he says he mostly thinks about me because since I am the only woman he has had sex with that is his main point of reference, but he admits that sometimes other women do pop into his mind too, and that really doesn’t bother me either.
That brings me to fantasies. I have read in many places that about 80% of men and 60% of women admit to fantasizing about other people. I don’t think that means that they do it all the time. I think those stats bother a lot of people because they take it to mean that but that probably includes people who just do it occasionally with a broad spectrum ranging to people who do it all the time. I agree that if you do it all the time it is probably a sign that there is something wrong with your marriage. However, is an occasional fantasy really wrong? I occasionally fantasize to get my motor revved up as does my husband. In fact we our quite open with each other about our fantasies and talking about them often leads to great sex. Our rule is we only fantasize about people in TV and movies or about strangers we have made up in our head. We don’t fantasize about people we actually know or see regularly because we understand that fixating on people we actually see that that can lead to feelings and even go down the road to cheating. I know the Bible says if you even look upon a woman in lust it is adultery, but is it really lust if it is just people in your head and you are not actually looking on any real person with lust. From what I read most Christians seem to think that role playing is perfectly fine, and I don’t really understand the difference. How is pretending your mate is someone else any different than fantasizing about someone else in your head. Let me clarify that I usually only use fantasies to get my motored revved up during the day or if lying in bed at night when we are not having sex. Almost always during the actual act I am only thinking about my husband. I have asked many women I know that are Christians and in happy marriages and pretty much all of them have said they enjoy the occasional fantasy. I actually thing the occasional fantasy is pretty normal, healthy, and a good way to keep things new and spicy when you’ve been with someone for a long time. My husband’s fantasies are almost all about a few actresses and I actually know in detail the ones he fantasizes about and what he fantasizes doing with them and it really doesn’t bother me.
So my question is as a Christian woman is it sinful that these things don’t bother me? I love my husband, I know he loves me, and we have a pretty good sex life so I don’t feel threatened by him occasionally fantasizing about other women or occasionally masturbating if I am not available to take care of him. Just as he does not feel threatened about me having an occasional fantasy. If we are faithful to each other and nothing either of us is doing is hurting the other and we enjoy our sex life is any of that really sinful because I just have a hard time believing that it is.
I think role-playing can be just as dangerous as fantasizing. I have posts about the topics here for more info:
Is there ever a right way to use fantasy or role-play in marriage?
Fantasy has a different context than reality
What about the military wives who yes, stay with thier husbands for years, ”suffer” through the seperation of deployments. By cheating, lying, staying at home never working and making little to no effort to support their spouse. I have a family member who has been deployed for a year this time. His so called wife of 15 plus years only messages him about money. Did not bother to see him off, or try to contact him at all for a month, and then was only about more money. Has he been perfect? No, he’s human. But he takes his vow to her seriously, and refuses to leave, even when she slept with his best friend. I have seen it a million times. He’s a paycheck when away, and an pain when he is home
I wrote a post here about solo masturbation due to separation: What is your opinion of solo masturbation due to separation?
And another one here about how to handle separation as a couple: How do we deal with separation due to work?
I get how looking at porn is an issue. It can set unrealistic standards for both men and women to meet and really warp your expectations for a healthy sex life, which, by the way, can vary greatly depending on the couple, but masturbating in and of itself, if it’s not getting in the way of your sex life, is anything but a sin. Dear married women, if it bothers you that much tell your husband that whenever he gets aroused to come see you and you’ll deal with it. I guarantee you most of your men will take you up on that offer. If you’re taking the bible as a literal text, then you, as a wife, are property of your husband and have no right to refuse his sexual advances anyway. We all know that this is not reality, nor is masturbating a sin. It may be a symptom of a problematic marriage or he may have just been in the mood and you weren’t. The sky isn’t falling, you’re all going to be okay, and it probably wouldn’t hurt if you took the time and explored your own body in privacy.
Of course, I disagree. I think masturbation is a problem, whether you’re married or single.
My wife takes various medications, therefore she has no desire for sex. Is it ok for me to masturbate with her approval and in her presence or alone if she is asleep?
My wife put to many rules and regulations on our sex life! I like sex and intimacy to be different, not all the time though. To me its more enjoyable to be different sometimes.Things get boring!!!!!!!! Well she didn’t want that she wanted sex one way and nothing else, and when I told her about doing it differently once in a while, right away I was a pig and a pervert. So from that time on till I couldn’t get it up any more i read porn stories and masturbated. I didn’t care if she saw me or not. So its been almost 40 years since we had any sex!
So, rather than work with your wife to try and get past her blocks, you chose porn. I think you made your own bed there. Might not be too late though. Maybe if you apologize, she might be willing to work with you on your marriage.
This article is so bad and lost people really refer to it, it’s sad.
At no time does it assume that masturbation is a solitary act that has nothing to do with love or the desire to have sex with a partner. If it’s about bridging the differences in frequency of sexual desire between partners or a desire to be alone, it is by no means a problem, it is not because one is married that each fantasy must be shared. Make only one appointment with competent people, i.e. professionals, sexologists rather than referring you to a stranger on the internet who obviously doesn’t know what he is talking about and you will see that it is not a problem, this is also true for women of course.
Quite the contrary. That’s exactly what I assume – that solitary masturbation has nothing to do with love.
Me and my fiance didnt used to have sex very often we would have it once a week or sometimes once every two especially if I forgot any contraceptive pills or I was on my period. A couple of months ago my fiance kissed another woman and we decided we would work through it because we still loved each other and he genuinely regretted it. He has never done anything remotely like this before and it was so out of character but my self esteem has taken a massive hit and now I hate it that he masturbated. I hate it when he watches porn. He thinks I’m trying to control him but all I ask is he doesnt masturbate if I am willing to pleasure him. We have literally been having sex every day I can (just not whilst on my period) and would have it more if he wanted it but he never wants to go more than once but every time I am out of the house he will have a wank. It hurts me and he doesnt understand. I dont feel good enough or like I do if for him anymore. I try new things I try outfits I try everything and I am so tired
My wife has made the decision we will no longer have sex, couple showers, sleep naked, sit close to each other, she won’t give spontaneous hugs or kisses or squeezes, she does not want those things from me, she does not want me to even ask her if we can cuddle in bed, and now she does not want me to talk of the fun times we used to have sexually, all this because she self diagnosed herself with panic and anxiety attacks when she is around me. And, she will not go to a real doctor at my request to get treatment and meds for this, she goes to some quack female herbalist person who has told her she has food allergies. So, my needs both sexually, romantically and need for companionship all go unmet. So, what options do I have?
Well, I think first is communication – what has led to this? Why does she feel this way? Is she okay with you feeling abandoned in the marriage?
Have you ever noticed how good you sleep after making love? This is because a substance is released that promotes your deep sleep. The same substance is released when you have sex with yourself. So just in case you can’t sleep for once, you know what to do….
It’s a combination of chemicals. Endorphins, oxytocin, prolactin, vasopressin, and others. And most of those are released in far smaller quantities from masturbation than from having partnered sex (about 4x as much during sex if I remember correctly). So, wake up your spouse and have sex with them instead if you want a good night’s sleep.
Some of you people sound really unpleasant. The science is in: masturbation is healthy and for men actually lowers your chance of prostate Cancer for which you need FREQUENT ejaculations, not just when the woman is in the mood. My wife masturbates, I’m not sure who does it more. I had a female roommate who seemed to live with her vibrator touching her at all times. She also did it with the door wide open and walked around naked. Some people are just really open about sex and sexuality, and the rest should be. When I dated I’d tell women ahead of time: I masturbate, like a lot, and love porn. If this is an issue for you it’s your issue, not mine. It was never an issue for them.
You should read the actual studies.
The risk for prostate cancer decreases whether you:
1) ejaculate frequently
2) ejaculate very rarely
Either lots of sex (like within marriage) or celibacy result in the same outcome.
The original question was how do I get over it? COMMUNICATION! Starters, you’re a married couple and should discus your sexual appetites, yes, it’s uncomfortable but the deeper you dive the more “you’ll get over it” as you asked in your question. You’ll begin to see your husband’s needs and he yours and then you can build a sexual foundation. You’re both living in separate sexual bubbles and need to merge to find that space to serve each other.