One of our largest topics of conflict (in the past) is that I (from her perspective) “want sex all the time”. I have a pretty hard time denying that allegation, because, well, it’s true. I see this theme a lot in my readings on message boards, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Statements like:
“All he wants is sex”
“All he thinks about is sex”
“All he wants me for is sex”
“He wants sex all the time”
And yes, I know in many relationships, the wife has the higher sex drive, but either it’s a relatively small portion of the population, or they are far less outspoken. Add to that the fact that I am in a husband-has-higher-sex-drive marriage, and you can understand why I’m going to write from that perspective. You’ll have to let me know if things translate to the opposite dynamic, because after 11 years of marriage, I’m still trying to figure out how my wife’s brain works.
Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Why do so many husbands want sex “all the time”? I think the answer might not be what you think.
We’re want to feel connected, and I don’t just mean physically.
Women are generally thought as the one in the relationship who feels more connected, they have a stronger bonding experience than the men. Why is that?
Well, it’s a natural drug in our system called Oxytocin. Oxytocin, among other things, is the hormone that causes us to feel bonded to someone else. And generally, it is women who dominate the market on Oxytocin. They receive large boosts during pregnancy while giving birth, breastfeeding, and during/after sex. They generally have 10 times the levels of this hormone than men have. No wonder they’re so bonded. They have emotional superglue coursing through their veins, particularly after sex. It takes them about 2 days for the Oxytocin levels to return to normal after a sexual encounter. This means for 2 days, they feel the emotionally bonding effects of sex without having to have sex again.
Men are different creatures. Oxytocin is a scarce commodity in our bodies. We get our largest dose during sex, at orgasm actually, where it jumps to 5 times its normal levels. This brings us close to what women have as a baseline. For a short time, we can experience that feeling of bonding like them. Have you noticed that your best talks in bed immediately after sex? We sometimes stay up for another hour or two just talking before falling asleep, despite the fact that we were exhausted. We used to wonder why that was until I stumbled across this a few years ago.
Here’s the wrench in the equation though, 30 minutes to 2 hours after orgasm, we’re reset back to normal.
And we miss that connection. Something doesn’t feel right. We want to be close to you, we need that Oxytocin, and there is only one way to do that: have an orgasm with you.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are other things involved (sex feels awesome!), but, for me, and many men I’ve talked to, it’s that feeling of closeness that beats everything else.
So, next time you heard your husband say “I’m horny” or “I want sex”, don’t think that he just wants you for a release, or that you’re just a sex object. He’s really saying “I want to feel what you feel”, “I want to be close to you” and “I want to be bonded with you emotionally.”
I just wish I could get it in my hubby’s head that this is how I feel about sex, too! For some reason, even though I tell him otherwise and behave otherwise, he’s got it in his head that sex doesn’t mean that much to me as a woman and that I can go without. He’s always teasing about me wanting him to leave me alone, or saying things as if I’m one of these wives that many husbands on blogs like this complain about. I am NOT a sex camel. I am the opposite of a sex camel and I tell him so all the time! Compared to me, he’s the sex camel! The problem is, every time we have sex, he orgasms and I do not because he thinks I’m like other wives and can go without. I’m in AGONY because the last time I O’d, was a month ago and that was self-given!!! He hasn’t taken the time to bring me to O himself in almost 3 freakin’ years!! And yes, I’ve talked to him about it, gently and lovingly with plenty of compliments and encouragement. Nothing!
He’s a very loving and giving me. He treats me like a queen, spoils me rotten, is a great husband and father. Helps out around the house, loves to cuddle, tells me he loves me frequently, tells me I’m beautiful, takes great care of me, but for some reason he will not give in this area and I am beside myself trying to understand why! I’m clean and tidy down there. I’ve never refused him. I’m exciting in bed. I give to him in whatever ways he wants. I LOVE sex. I dress the way he likes. I initiate!
Men, clue me in here! What in the world is going on?!
Without knowing your husband, my first answer is that he’s selfish sexually, despite being generous in other areas.
Perhaps you need to have a less “gentle, loving with plenty of compliments and encouragement” conversation with him. Something along the lines of “this isn’t fair, you aren’t treating me well and it needs to stop. You aren’t fulfilling your end of the bargain in this aspect of our marriage”.
If I knew him, I’ve give him a smack and ask him why he’s denying his wife.
But, I think you need to link with a community of people who feel the same as you (high-drive wife who is being refused). I’d suggest checking out the message boards at boards.themarriagebed.com. There you can find some support from others dealing with the same issues, and perhaps some advice from people who have been in the same situation.
Thank you! I will check out the message boards.
Hi Kat d.
wow does your DH need some setting straight on some issues, yes he’s being selfish in the extreme either that or he is woefully ignorant of some basic facts concerning womans sexual needs.
Please can I echo Jay Dees suggestion, come and join us on the marriage bed, there are a lot of really nice really knowledgeable people on there. come on you know you wanna, you’ll find me using the same name as on here.
There is a section for “Sexually Refused” that you might find particularly helpful, because, in a sense, this is a refusal. You’ll find more than a few women in similar situations there.
Kat D.
New rule at your house, she comes first. Implement it and join The Marriage Bed Forum.
Blessings!
Thank you thank you for such support and encouragement! Now, to somehow gently encourage hubby that I come first. ;b Not sure how I’m going to do that without putting up a fight. I don’t believe he is INTENTIONALLY refusing me, as in he wants to hurt me or punish me. I’m not sure what his mindset is. I’m praying like crazy and I will go to Marriage Bed forums.
I’m glad we could offer some support. We’ll see you over at The Marriage Bed Forums and hopefully we can help.
If you think the reason is oxytocin, then think again. Studies have shown that SIMPLE hugging for 30 seconds releases oxytocin in men. Yes, oxytocin is the “cuddle/bonding” chemical in the brain, but what is released the most in men is dopamine “the thrill sport” chemical. That’s why most men think sex is all about them, they’re only into it for the thrill! Self-sex equals self-sport. Try just hugging instead – that helps your partner also !!!!!
I was only able to find one study showing levels of oxytocin related to hugging:
According to the study “Effects of Partner Support on Resting Oxytocin, Cortisol, Norepinephrine, and Blood Pressure Before and After Warm Partner Contact” (doi: 10.1097/01.psy.0000170341.88395.47) in women, the amount of plasma oxytocin increased from ~1.6 pg/ml to ~2.1 pg/ml at the 7 minute mark. In men it actually went down until the 10 minute mark before returning back to normal at 10 minutes. This doesn’t support what your saying, except that women get a short boost at 7 minutes but lasts less than 3 minutes. I 1.6 to 2.1 increase is not really significant against the increase of 1.6 to 7.3 during sex (“Changes In Oxytocin and Vasopressin Secretion During Sexual Activity in Men” (doi: 10.1210/jcem-65-4-738).
Now, I have no medical training, so perhaps I’m reading these abstracts incorrectly or interpreting the data wrong. If anyone does have a medical degree and can set us straight, please chime in!
As for dopa mine, yes, I agree, it plays a crucial role as well and everyone knows sex feels amazing for most people. I was not disputing that, just arguing that we often miss a broader picture.
While I think this is true in a lot of ways…. Ladies, I heard it said from a man who had the question “Why do you want sex all the time even if you KNOW I am not in the mood” posed to him. His reply, though somewhat predictable, it made me go…. Yep, that’s true. His answer, “Let me ask you a question, would you rather he obsess over you or another woman? At least if he’s after you for sex he’s not out looking for sex with another woman.” I thought this was very apropos.
Very good point.
I think sometimes, speaking from a wife’s viewpoint, we can have the “all he wants is sex” mindset when we aren’t getting our needs and wants met…..cuddling without him trying for sex, for example. If he constantly tries for sex, even when he knows we don’t want it or can’t for physical pain reasons (like my situation) or we don’t feel well or whatever the reason is, we feel disrespected and unloved. Not cherished, but more like a piece of meat. Some men have the mindset that “she owes me” or “I’m gonna get mine” and if the woman knows that, then he can forget her being willing and active. The man shouldn’t expect sex every moment of every day, but sometimes we women feel that pressure even if the man says that’s not what he expects. Sometimes we aren’t made to feel like sex is for both of us, not just him.
Yes, I agree, no one should ever expect anything out of a marriage. To do so puts your happiness as the responsibility of someone else (which isn’t fair), and leads to inevitable disappointment.
Rather, I think wives should focus on submitting more, and husbands should focus on loving more, and each should stop focusing on what the other should be focusing on.
Great perspective here and love the discussion in the comments. Such thought-provoking reading.
Thanks for linking up at Essential Fridays.
Blessings
Mel from Essential Thing Devotions.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Excellent post! Explains a lot I think. Thanks for sharing.
Glad you liked it!
I agree Tim. It is never about just sex. It is about the connection…at least for me.