Do you have a question you’d like answered on the blog or podcast? There are a couple options:
You can email me at Jay@UncoveringIntimacy.com or message me on Facebook – This is my preference as it lets me ask clarifying questions and give you a more complete and specific answer for your situation.
Or you can fill out the anonymous form below leaving as much, or as little personal information as you like (If you leave contact information, I’ll make sure to remove it before posting the question). I’ll post a link below as soon as I can answer it or if I already have a post that answers the question, so check back regularly and don’t forget to subscribe to make sure you don’t miss any new posts.
Here are all the questions in our queue to be answered. Have a favorite? Click the red vote button to the left of it to move it closer to the top. Each person gets one vote per day, so check back often.
Not seeing your question? Check below, it may have already been answered, otherwise it might still be waiting for approval. I try to approve questions within 24 hours.
Topics: oralI love giving my husband oral, but I find his semen to be very bitter. It's actually very difficult to not gag at the taste. I thought I was going to throw up once.
So I guess my question is; it's there a way to make him taste better? Or will i eventually get used to it?
Topics: oral, SurveyIs it common to want to get your testicles sucked? My wife and I have been married for around 4 years and when she gives me a blowjob she often times doesn't pay much attention to my balls. I would love for her to either suck on them or grab them a little bit, is that a pretty typical thing for men to want or for a husband to even ask their wife for?
Topics: activities, Positions, spiceMy wife really wants to come out of her shell, but she doesn't know how. Can you recommend any 'tools' which she can use to flourish in these things (eg. Dressing up, seducing, talking dirty, being vocal in bed, sexy texting, explore new positions etc)?
Topics: oralMy wife and I have been married for over 20 years. I tried to give her oral sex once when we were first married and she stopped me before I could actually preform the act. This is something I would love to do for her but after that I was so embarrassed I have never brought it up again. How do I try again after 20 years? How can I make her feel comfortable? We shower before we have sex almost every time so being clean is not her issue. How can I proceed?
Topics: heavenIn the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and put the two first humans in a garden. After surveying his creation and declaring it good repeatedly, the first fact that displeased God was that Adam was alone. God’s mandates in the Garden of Eden were not “remain celibate,” “eat only tasteless grains,” and “submit.”
The God of Genesis is more an Epicurean than a Stoic. He does not design bodies without pleasure sensors but instead squeezes onto the human tongue 10,000 taste buds. He does not make reproduction an onerous or bland affair but loads human genitals with thousands of erotogenic nerve endings. In his extravagant kindness, he engineered eating and intercourse to give us pleasure and then commanded his first two humans to engage in both. It’s no wonder the first two chapters of Genesis declare creation “good” seven times over. The second chapter of the Bible concludes with two humans, in a garden of Pleasure, totally naked, who are commanded to have sex, eat fruit, and rule the world.
Although Scripture does not speak directly to the question of the effect gender will have on the lives of resurrected believers in the new creation, it does offer sufficient evidence to affirm that gender will continue to be a significant aspect of our lives in the eschaton.
If sex is a good gift of God from creation, why is marital sex not part of the final eschaton?
What, then, of conjugal aspects? If the intimate relations between the first man and woman were part of God’s original creation plan.
Some say that there will be sex after the resurrection. Because Heaven will be a new and improved version of Earth and that although the common assumption that there will be no marriage in heaven that it may be an error.
The resurrection means the restoring to the real life of human corporeity, which was subjected to death in its temporal phase. The new creation is, in essence, creation redeemed.
Men and women will enjoy each another in a physical sense? In other words, do you believe that will there be sexual activity between men and women in the new creation?
Topics: sex driveHow can I help my wife understand that she's a sexual being too?
My situation: My wife enjoys sex (which happens about 1-2 times a week), but rarely orgasms. When she does, it can be intense (she's even squirted twice)... but she doesn't seem to pursue her own sexual climax, ever. It just sort of happens. If I ask her to tell me what she likes or what feels good, she'll equivocate and not really give an answer.
We have 3 kids under 5 (which of course presents its own set of problems), but this is the way she's always been. Sex is always about me directing what we're doing--she never initiates any position switching or directs our intimacy in any way.
The frustrating part is that she definitely CAN have a great sexual experience, but she just doesn't care enough about to really pursue it.
Topics: body imageWhat do women think of their husband's penis? If he would not find out what you said about it what would you say?
Topics: porn, sex tapeMy wife and I made consensual pornographic movies together. Is ok to watch these?
Topics: crossdressing, porn, sex driveHello,
I have read your posts on "dealing with temptation when you have a refusing wife" and "rebuilding trust". I agree with your takes on both.
I was Born and raised a Christian, still am.
I was raised with the belief that sex is something special in marriage, so I saved myself for my wife. She had one sexual partner before me. We did have sex before marriage, however. Sex before marriage was mutually sought after and never denied by both parties. It made me excited for what marriage would mean!
We married, and are still. Sex was a "light switch" change after our vows. Sex has always been something I’ve had to initiate in marriage. I would say 80-90% of the time I do, I've gotten a no for various reasons. And not overly enthusiastic when yes. I’ve come to the realization that this probably hurt me over time. I love her very much nonetheless. The last few years have been sighs and scoffs most of the time I ask, and even once I remember her saying "can't you just do it yourself?".
I casually watched pornography through my teens, and during marriage have resorted to that and masturbation at times. Which became more, and more focused on weirder stuff I will admit.
I would always say my first choice was my wife though. Porn was something I resorted to, but my want was to have a great abundant sex life with my wife. I had that mindset that sex was to be something so special in marriage. However I didn't really know I was getting "refused" per se, but I also didn't deal with it well. Maybe in part to my overall lack of knowledge sexually.
Pornography led to different forms and ways to masturbate. Which eventually led to trying cross-dressing for arousal only, not as a way of life.
I realize I developed a fetish a few years ago because I really only liked wearing lingerie. This was used for self-gratification. I also was talking to others who dressed online. I admit it wasn’t always appropriate. My focus was always around self-pleasure. I even met a few others guys while dressed. Though I did so with the agreement that I was not looking for anything sexual between us. Still totally inappropriate, and the “normal” me, would always have known this was.
I broke at the point of the last meet. Where I was convicted by what I was doing. While I haven’t committed adultery and would never do anything with anyone else that I would do with my wife ie, kiss, hold hands, touching specific places and physical sex ultimately... I feel like I don’t know how all this happened. I never had any interest in any of this up until it began, and I don't now at all either...instead, I spend every day disgusted at myself.
I have always put being loyal to my wife as a huge priority. I never could have sex and share that with someone else, but I am utterly shocked at what took place in my life. Now that I am out of it and look back on it, I can't help but feel I was in a sexual stronghold. How else do you explain doing something you are disgusted by?
I never had any thoughts or issues with cross-dressing growing up, no scenarios that would lead me to understand this. I feel like it developed slowly from pornography. It is absolutely gone now from my life.
My wife knows, is forgiving of it, but I just feel terrible for letting her down. I would never lay blame on her, but I do wonder if things would have been different had Sex been mutually sought after in our marriage.
Do I think I would have even used porn or gotten involved in this if my wife was sexually available or showed a regular desire for me? I really don't think so. I mean what I did doesn't exactly scream confidence and high self-esteem. Both of which would be sky high with regular intimacy with your spouse. I realize now the pain and frustration I felt when the only appropriate sexual outlet for me was the same outlet that refused so many times. There are other factors no doubt, such as moving away from strong Christian family and friends when we got married, and me wanting a more biblical marriage in a lot of ways than my wife was concerned about.
But I can't go back. I feel stupid that I let this into my life because it's not at all the person or man I want to be. I want to get back to being a godly husband and father. I'm left now with the task of trying to rebuild trust, respect and hopefully intimacy.
Topics: pornMy husband and I have been married almost a year. About 4 months ago he came home from work and started to look up a porn site. He hadn't done this since we had been together (almost 2 years) I ended up finding the search history when he asked me to look something up on his phone about a month after it happened. I was crushed. We had just bought a house, were trying to get pregnant so we were having frequent sex, our wedding picture was his background photo on his phone when he searched it, and he had photos of me if he needed them. He told me he ended up stopping before watching anything but it still hurt, what hurt more was that he hid it from me instead of talking to me. How do I build trust with him again? He has taken many steps to protect himself but I still find myself not trusting when it comes to the Internet and all that is out there
Topics: ed, pornMy husband used to be addicted to watching pornography, for over a decade. It was a struggle in our marriage for a long time, but he has successfully overcome the addiction. He has been porn-free for over a year. I thought all our problems would be solved once he achieved this. Unfortunately, new problems have arisen. My husband is rarely interested in having sex, even though I am interested in it several times per week, if not daily. And when we try to have sex, often times he cannot get--or stay--erect. He will often go soft while still inside me. This is devastating to me, to say the least. Is this just a lasting side-effect of his former addiction? Am I being naive in trusting that he has completely abstained from watching porn? Or is there more going on? FYI my husband is 35 years old and has had his testosterone levels checked (they were slightly low but not abnormally, according to his doctor). Please help me.
Topics: sex driveI've been married for 8 years now. We have three young children and have just started a church plant. I know I'm exhausted and maybe one day I'll be able to get more sleep and personal time than I do now. My question is why I do not seem to even have a desire for sex or even enjoy the process very much. Although I'm sure the afore mentioned circumstances don't help, I think the problem is more than just exhaustion and lack of personal time. I just don't look forward to it, occasionally I dread it, usually there is a host of other things I'd just rather be doing. I want to meet my husbands needs and I do plan for sex and strive to make him happy and satisfied, but he wants me to enjoy it too and sometimes I feel that's almost too much to ask. Just to clarify, he is completely loving and sacrificial towards me and doesn't force me into anything, but lately it's just become more apparent that I don't enjoy it like he wants me too. I don't want it like he wants me to. And I feel that God would have me want and enjoy it more than I do also. Too be honest, if you think about it, which I do, sex is an insanely strange way of showing love to a person. Like borderline gross. So that's also part of my problem. It's just not appealing to me as a concept. Am I just a completely messed up, lame person?
Topics: edI would like to hear from older couples who have had the challenge of ED to work with? How did you handle it? Positions, rings, blue pills? What advice men or women have for those struggling with a wet noodle at times?
Topics: spiceHi there, thanks for this fantastic forum! It's so important for Christians to get this kind of advice and thanks for keeping it Holy Spirit led and Biblical too.
I'm just interested in talking about what to do when your husband isn't very sexual, what I mean when I say this is my husband is very "traditional" in his approach to sex and then falls asleep straight after. Don't get me wrong we have a really good and enjoyable sex life but we live in separate countries at the moment and also I find my husband seems to feel that certain things are "wrong."" So for me I'm all for dirty talking and phone sex and sexy texts but he's just not interested, he'll do it when we're being intimate but even then it's hard to get him to do it. He also doesn't understand my need to masturbate but WITH HIM, I think this is because he thinks like a man and that once I've orgasmed that's it, it's over but it's not, it's only the beginning! He's warmed a little to this idea now and we have a pact, the outside is mine and the inside is his but he was even surprised when I told him I'd love it if he did it too just as long as he fantasised about me (which I know he would) and we were together. Look, I'm sorry for being so graphic here but I am very frustrated in this area because I just cannot get my husband to understand what I need and it's causing me real problems because in the past I've looked at pornography and I find that during times like this I do slip and fall back into that albeit never for long, God knows I've really prayed about this. I don't really get why I do I just suppose it's the build up but it makes me ashamed and then I can't even tell my husband and then I get angry because I feel like it's his fault. We'll be living together very soon and he's also promised to try new things and I'm hoping that massage will open up new possibilities. I just wish my husband understood my need for sex and would relax because even when he consents to phone sex I can tell he's not interested in it. I just didn't know who else to talk to about this. I'm grateful for you and this ministry. Thanks.
Topics: porn, singleHey! I just stumbled upon your website and read the article Why do married men masturbate. So, I am a young, single woman trying to live a life that is pleasing to God. However, I find myself going on Tumblr and viewing pornographic gifs every now and then. I always feel guilty about it but I don't understand why God would give us such strong sexual desires even before marriage is an option. I know that I won't be married in the next 3 years - and quite frankly, I don't intend on it. But how do I get rid of this temptation without a partner? I've tried to focus on God instead of the sin but it never lasts permanently and I certainly don't want to be in a place where in the future I would be rushing into marriage just so I don't feel guilty about this. What advice do you have?
Topics: enthusiasmBeen married for many years and up until this point my wife has not been a very active partner. She knows my needs and wants but more or less just ignores my request. If I want any kind of sex life with her I have to look beyond my needs and focus only on hers. This is what I chose to except because I love to meet all her needs but it would be nice to have mine met on occasion...
Looking for help...
Topics: manual, oral, OrgasmMy husband and I have been married for a year and during that time I have never been able to get him to orgasm through a handjob or oral sex.
He's the only guy I've ever been with sexually, but he has a very colorful past in this area before he became a Christian.
I feel like a failure every time I try and can't get him there. I wanted this to be a part of our sexual relationship, and I want to be able to give him pleasure in those ways.
So I guess my question is twofold really.
1) How do I give a good handjob and/or blowjob? I've read a bunch of articles on Christian Nymphos and have tried all sort of things but apparently, I've not mastered the art.
and 2) How do I not feel discouraged in the process and not fall into the trap of comparing myself to the many women, years of masturbation, porn use, and massage parlors that came before me?
I feel like a failure and with each failure resentment about his past creeps in too. I don't want either of these to take over. I want a good sex life and try really hard in this area. Any advice/words of wisdom appreciated!
Topics: analMy Husband wants me to stick a finger up his anal cavity. I know it has something to do with prostate stimulation. I would like to do it but I just can't get past the gross factor. How do you get past that?
Topics: attraction, Orgasm, sex driveSo, I'm a 38-year-old woman, I've been married for 14 years and I'm pretty much miserable with my husband. My husband is a good guy, we're okay together no real drama, we get along well for the most part. Unfortunately, our sex lives suck. He is the first and only man I've ever been with, and there is nothing enjoyable about being with him, so much so that we've only had sex once in the past year. We have no sexual chemistry...at all. I've had 0 orgasms since we've been married and it's frustrating for both of us. For the past 14 years I thought I couldn't achieve an orgasm...well, (unfortunately) over the summer I reconnected with an old boyfriend and we got extremely inappropriate. We kissed and he caressed my breasts while we were kissing and I had an extremely intense orgasm. I've since repented and am grateful that it didn't go any further, but now I'm so confused and a little pissed. I realize that there's nothing physically wrong with me but I don't know how to feel this way with my own husband. We had sex for the first time in well over a year and it was like watching paint dry. I love my husband and want my marriage but this is just frustrating. ...what should I do.
Topics: lubeCan you make a recommendation for massage oils or lotions? Is there any that double as a lubricant? Are there any that don't leave oily greasy marks on the sheets? Are there any that add extras like warning or tingling? Thanks. Awesome site!
Topics: porn, spiceIs it wrong to watch a movie like fifty shades of gray with your husband with the intentions of spicing up your sex life together? I have no intentions to see it with other women or to lust after Christian Gray, my husband is far better. But he and I have contemplated seeing it together, most likely DVD in our own home, to add another element of spice to our relationship.
Topics: activities, SurveyAs partners we share fluids through intimacies, could you do an anonymous survey on "how many men and women would actually sperm swap with there partner."
Topics: OrgasmHi Jay Dee, my question is how to tell if my hubby has had an orgasm is it the same as him ejaculating and if not what is the difference? Thank you for your support in our marriage
Topics: activitiesHave you ever had any questions regarding husbands ejaculating on the wife's face (I.e. "Facial")?
Topics: anr, sex driveDear Jay,
Thank you for this page.
I have a few questions as a born again Christian and I would like to do everything according to the word of God.
As you're a Theologian, I feel so glad to ask my queries.
We're born again and married for 14 years and having three daughters and I'm, 41 years old. we are working couples.
1. My hubby is having more interest in sexual life than me. But, I'm not having any sexual feeling, even though we r engaging for the same, unless and otherwise I think about previous incidents / stories which was told by my hubby. I don't know, why? Is it normal for all woman.
2. I read one of your article website re. ANR, that time I feel some kind of interest feelings . If I read anything about sex/breast, I feel more interest on it. sometimes my nipples are getting hard. I'm afraid otherwise no interest, is it sin?
3. I feel I''m having more interest on breast, my breast size etc, is it normal for all women or only to me.(Always I wish, if my breasts have bigger size...). I have small sized breast, which already sagged etc..) and my husband always interested to look woman having bigger boobs.
so please advise me some tips, which is biblical,
Is it possible to re-lacatate for hubby. I read few comments in ur article that some couple in 60s they are nursing to their hubbies... ANR, I can't believe. if yes, could please provide me how can I do it, so our marriage life will become more beautiful....
Awaiting to receive your reply.
Normally, Where you will answer to our queries....
May God bless you!
Topics: analI have a suggestion for an updated survey. Re-do the Anal sex topic. It was a while ago & in your follow up you said there were questions you would like to ask differently.
The reason I think a revisit would be good is because I feel that this subject has been FAR less taboo in Christian circles in the last few years & information is much more accessible. It's easier to reveal the "anal sex is a sin" lie. I wonder how much that might change the responses.
While married for 9 years [tomorrow actually], our Christian background condemned it pretty hard. It wasn't until we had an accidental 'Hey! That area actually feels good.' moment when hubby was giving me a massage on a sore butt-cheek muscle that I began to want to explore my body & also study what the Bible actually says about it [nothing in the context of a healthy Godly marriage]. We've only been practicing it for a little more than a year but it has become fairly regular. Period sex is uncomfortable for me & before we relied on oral during that time of the month but in the last year we discovered I really enjoy anal during that time.
We will probably not have a third child & it actually saddens me to think of the times I refused sex during both pregnancies due to pain of PiV sex when in reality I probably would have really enjoyed the intimacy of anal sex.
I know I am just one of many that I've talked to that a few years ago we had completely believed the lie of "don't do it because it's a sin" but now we have studied scripture for ourselves & feel it is a great addition to our married sexual life.
Topics: analThis question related to anal play/stimulation. I (wife) would be very interested in my husband liking to receive anal play/stimulation. This seems highly unusual as I have typically seen the husband wanting the wife to be the recipient, not the other way around. Do you suppose this is an unusual thing?
Finally, we have tried a couple of times to do this with mixed results. The majority of the time it seems he doesn't enjoy it or he is a bit uncomfortable. How many attempts before I should just say that it was an interesting idea but we will just do other sexual things instead?
Topics: masturbationHow can I get my wife to masturbate for me? I would love to see her pleasuring herself. She lets me masturbate (and even helps me) when she's not in the mood but I am. But she is not comfortable doing it to herself.
Topics: bondage, ParentingWith 5 children, how do you and your wife do bondage? I am always afraid our one son will find something, or hear something! We are just starting out and I want to continue! :)
Topics: premarital sexMy question is this when circumstances are exceptional (impossible), is sex outside of marriage ok?
In short, my situation is this - firstly, my boyfriend and I are both carers of ill and physically dependent relatives, which means we are not able to marry and live with each other like normal couples, at least not until my elderly mother dies. Secondly, my mother strongly objects to our relationship, mostly because I am 10 years older than my boyfriend (I'm 43), and she will never accept our marrying. Frankly, we both need sex. We need to have that closeness, and for me, I think I've waited long enough (I have never been married before). We are both Christians and want to do what is right by God, but are struggling and have pretty much crossed the line already without actually having intercourse. It's all very unfair. I believe the Bible to be God's perfect word, but not sure it covers all circumstances. Your prayerful consideration and advice would be appreciated.
Topics: sex driveMy wife and I have been married for 24 years. My question is what if both of us just don't want to bother with sex anymore? Are we compelled to do it because the bible says so? We both feel that there are much better uses of our time. We like to do other things together (cook, ski, bike etc).
There's no porn, fantasizing, masturbation or affairs. I just think we have gotten beyond the need for sex.
I know it's a strange question (and probably unique) but I would love to hear your thoughts.
Topics: in-lawsI'm getting married next year, how do I politely tell my in-laws not to plan our wedding day for us?
Topics: activitiesDo men enjoy having their family jewels played with?
I am a newly married woman and my husband and I are still figuring out what we like and don't like. One of the things I assumed going into marriage was that men really enjoyed having their balls played with during sex or even in general (lol); my husband, however, does not. He doesn't mind it but it is not a turn on for him at all. I on the other hand love to play with them and incorporate "ball-play" into our sex life. Is it common to incorporate ball-play into your marriage, or am I just the odd one out? Thanks
Topics: sex driveMy wedding is not up to a month. For me, I like sex more than food and my wife did not like sex. my strong erection makes her feel like she wants to faint. Sometimes I don't enjoy sex. What can I do to enjoy my sexual life with her?
Topics: prayerDo you pray as a couple before sex, after sex, or does it depend on the night?
I am not sure what a godly relationship looks like with regards to prayer at bedtime. I am both higher sex-drive spouse and the more spiritually minded of the two of us. I have prayed both before and after but she rarely ever joins me. I don't make it a habit as I often feel just as rejected with prayer as I do with initiating sex. I am returning home shortly after being away for work for one month am would like begin to pray with her every night and would love to hear what has worked for other brothers in Christ. Thanks.
After 21 years of marriages, my wife told me that my second kid is not my biological son. I have two girls and a boy. The sad part is this boy was born with so many medical problems. I paid for his medical bill and I have been suffering all these years because of his condition without knowing that he was my son.
She took advantage that I had to work in a remote location to meet her lover. I got the feeling that she had a long relationship with this guy. Latently she convinced me that she made love with him few weeks before meeting me the first time. This happened the first time she met him.
I started thinking that I did not know my wife good enough before getting married. I question myself if she is a good person or this is the way that she is.
To me, this has been the most painful experience in life.
I'm still living with her and my kids. She asked for forgiveness. Our kids do not know anything yet.
Sometimes I feel that I love her, sometimes I feel very angry. She did not appreciate anything I did for her. She did not care about our first daughter.
One thing that hurts me a lot is that she admitted that the first time she made love with she felt very good and she liked a lot. Everything stopped because her lover did not want to recognize the sick baby and left her abandoned. Then, she used me
as plan B to take care of her baby.
I feel sorry for the boy. He is the innocent victim of her bad behavior.
Now, I'm not able to ejaculate when I'm making love with her. I know that I do not have any problem, because I have been tested myself. And no issues.
Is this some kind of phycological regret, because what she did to me?
Any suggestions? I feel very disoriented.
Topics: activities, manual, oralMy husband of 18 years seems to no longer be interested in intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he really enjoys other forms of sex (oral and manual) but rarely (if ever really) puts his penis in my vagina. He has no problems with erectile dysfunction and generally I am satisfied with our sex life (I orgasm every time) but I am wondering whether I should be worried about the lack of real intercourse. Our move away from intercourse seems to have progressed over time. He has had a vasectomy so I don't think he is worried about accidental pregnancy.
Any idea on why this is happening and whether I should be concerned?
Topics: sex driveMy husband and I have been married for 4 years. For the past 3, I've not wanted to have as much sex as him. Is my not wanting to, a violation of what Paul describes as due benevolence in 1 Cor. 7? Should I force myself to have sex when I'm not into it? Am I dishonoring God by not giving my husband sex when he wants to have it more than I do?
Topics: pregnancy, sex driveThis site has been helping me to know some biblical facts.
Please, I want to know if sex during early pregnancy or towards the ending of the pregnancy is allowed?
What can I do? my wife did not like sex at all and I like sex. I see it as a big challenge in our marriage
How many times is it okay to have sex in a week?
Topics: pornAre romance books that don't involve sex okay (as compared to erotic books)?
Topics: toysI have read several posts about using sex toys. However, I am curious if it is sinful for males to use prostate toys while having sex with their wife. I assume not because it falls under pleasure with your wife.
Topics: activitiesI am in a dating relationship, and we are talking about marriage and sex. My partner asked me if anything goes in the bedroom once married. I asked him if there was something, in particular, he was thinking about. He told me that he likes to be peed on during sex. I had never heard of doing such a thing during sex, and I don't understand why he would even me to do that to him. Is this something that I should be concerned about or is it a "normal" thing to do during sex?
Topics: activities, Adultery, spiceMy question is, my husband & I have been married for 24 years. Recently he made the comment that I, his wife, is "for love, and other women are for sex.". And I often see him ogling young beautiful women, both in our daily life, as well as in videos he watches at work (he is aware that this isn't acceptable to me).
He was raised in a very strict Catholic home, and once - when I mentioned that it's ok for us to have fun in our sexual relationship, he scoffed and said "not in the eyes of the church". Is it possible that he feels that his "exciting & enjoyable" sexual experiences can only be fulfilled by other women, and that married sex is supposed to be boring? And if so - how do I convince him that God wants us to enjoy it, or he wouldn't have made it so enjoyable! Or is he just a typical man, doing what every man does?
Topics: TheologyHow would you define Biblical Manhood? Being a Christian Husband and Father, what are the Godly principles of the role of a man? How has the culture today defer from biblical and even 60 years ago regarding the view of the opposite sex (women) and how to love them like Christ loved His Church? Sexual metaphors are all over the Bible, with marriage...Christ's Bride, His Church, and so on. I believe there to be an ecstasy in Intimacy in Marriage with God as our central focus...Do you think in marital intimacy, sexually and spiritually, that there is the ecstasy of more flavor of you are really "one"?
Topics: activitiesWife raised in very conservative pastors home. will no try oral or sex toys. I would like her to but she refuses. Do I keep trying or just accept. Yes, this is a frustration especially as I can not perform long enough for her to climax.
Topics: gatekeeping, pornI agree with you completely on all points. However, I have fallen into the traps set by having a sexless marriage. After our second child, my wife lost all sex drive. For 10 years sex has been almost non-existent. Maybe 6 - 12 times a year. I fell into porn, got caught, but have still struggled with masturbation. I have gone without for months at times but always break down. I have talked with my wife but what else am I missing. Isn't it also a sin to keep your spouse from fulfilling his needs? What are men in this situation to do?
Topics: oralHow many women enjoy giving oral sex. My wife says she likes it but never gives oral sex. She has a different answer every time asked. She enjoys receiving it though
Topics: toysHubby and I have NEVER really used anything in our love making. Many years ago when we were young we had a blindfold and some oil nothing big at all. No toys not really any lingerie either. Well with reading this site and finding out things are ok to do between married couples I starting asking hubby if we could incorporate some things. He was reluctant, hesitant and just plain said no at first. After many discussion and talks, he finally agreed. I still don't know if he is totally ok or just trying to make me happy. Anyway, question is, are vibrators really all that great, amazing, wonderful. Am I really missing out on something? Hubby can still make me have the big O so do I really need this.
We don't know where to begin with buying anything. When I look at the online sites they're all very intimidating. He won't, will not ask anyone I've already asked him. He says he gets his information from me. *sigh* I want some new things just don't know about how to get into it. He has said he would he would love me in a maids uniform. I just don't know where to begin. I'm ready for some new, fresh, and sexy. Should we just stay where we are? Will I still enjoy intimacy at 50 if no changes are made?
Topics: body imageWhy might it be that women always have that feeling for a need to feel beautiful? Why do looks have such an impact on women? Is it because they know deep down that men want beautiful, sexy woman and men play a part in creating the views in this society and media. It always seems that women are expected to keep up with their looks more than men, I suppose also due to the fashions and clothing they want to wear. We need to wear a certain size etc. If men have a biological desire for beautiful women, why do husbands not tell wives that they are beautiful? I guess it is supposed to just be understood. Why do woman need to be told every day that they are beautiful? Also, I notice that women crave attention and comments. If their husband isn't giving enough compliments to them, the women post selfies on Instagram and Facebook. And they also post their postpartum bodies like " look at me, I am hot again". The women can't help it: it is their need to feel desired and sexy. Any light on this topic. Please.
Topics: healthMy wife is ticklish... REALLY ticklish.
Here's how this plays out:
1. We start kissing... hands start moving, hugging, caressing--and then one hand accidentally touches her side and she flinches uncontrollably and the romance is mentally ruined.
2. I'm touching her labia, rubbing her, getting her heated up a bit... but then my hand accidentally brushes her inner thigh and her legs instantly close together with a snap, and any progress made in getting her aroused is ruined.
3. I'm performing oral sex on her, and my hands start roaming. One of my hands accidentally touches her stomach and her whole body flinches, killing her arousal.
So, it's a double whammy. Her ticklishness is so acute that any inaccurate touch can completely derail the arousal process... and the entire time we're engaging in foreplay, my head is concentrating on not touching her in so many places, that I can't really "lose myself" in the sexual arousal of the act and enjoy myself.
It seems like a small thing, but, honestly, I don't really enjoy any foreplay (me on her), because it's more like playing the game Operation than actual sexual intimacy.
Topics: health, masturbationMy husband had an accident and broke his back over 12 months ago. He is workaholic and I feel my life is only about caring for others. I cared for his mother till she passed..then him with his back and I care full time for my adult disabled daughter. It seems just as I get through all this my own mother needs caring for.
Since his accident, we now sleep in separate rooms. He religiously gives me a quick peck on the lips goodnight and says I will see you in the morning. I feel so alone...At 55 I've dedicated my life to everyone else and he shows no interest in me at all. But I have noticed he ejaculates all over my clothes. My undies, my shirts.. my dresses hang in in my wardrobe...
My question is...is he doing this in a vindictive hateful way ... or is it that he misses what we have but can't find a way back,
I'm finding it hard to look back. I have never been a priority in his life... His family then his work have always come first... Please help me understand... thank you
Topics: lust, singleHi! I'm in a dating relationship with a girl. We aren't having sex and are careful with other sorts of physical contact as well. My question is this: what is the difference between healthy attraction and sinful lust? I would hope that it is normal that I find her beautiful, but I am also sexually attracted to her. I also suspect that fantasies of a sexual nature are inappropriate.
Could you help me find the holy and healthy balance?
Topics: CommunicationMy question is about my husband's silence during sex. This really surprised me when we first got married (my first sexual experience). It probably shouldn't continue to surprise me as he is very reserved anyway. Sometimes I don't even know when he's "done" with the sex act.
I've gotten used to it, but it makes me sad and even resentful sometimes as I suspect it plays a big part in my lack of enjoyment of sex. I don't hate it but I don't look forward to it or enjoy it as much as he does (I know that's not unusual, it just frustrates me). I wish he could understand how important communicating is to me.
Side note - yesterday I was sitting at the computer and needed a password from him; there were other family members in the room so he jokingly came and whispered it in my ear. It really turned me on! We really laughed about it but I'm going to mention this to him as a trick for "later."
I've even noticed it doesn't matter WHAT we talk about in bed - I like it! (as long as it does not trigger conversations (money, etc.) or arguing, of course)
So - yeah, that's my question. How can I either get over my needs - or encourage him to meet them better? He has not done much that I have suggested in bed. Pretty set in his ways
Topics: singleI'm a girl. I just lost my virginity. I didn't regret it initially but it's been a few weeks now and I'm so devastated. I should have stood my ground. I'm scared whoever I get married to might see me differently especially if they are a virgin. I have been freaking out and I can't study at school any longer. I don't know what to do. I hadn't gone to church in a long time. Maybe if i did I wouldn't have made this mistake. I keep telling myself its a dream that i am still a virgin. Do you think its okay if I never mention that I lost my virginity if I start dating in the future with the intention to marry unless the person I'm getting married to asks me? I'll love to get responses from a lot of people. Also, I would love to talk to people on how to cope because I'm a mess right now. I've asked God to forgive me but I'm still troubled.
Topics: masturbation, pornI know you've tackled why men use porn and masturbate, but I don't see how to help a spouse overcome their struggle/addiction. I've just discovered that my husband struggles with this from high school, and since he does not have any close friends to look up to, he feels uncomfortable discussing it with anyone but me. I am trying not to take this personally and help him, but my heart is broken and I am so hurt. I have no idea how to help him. How do I do that without ruining our relationship and taking myself out of it?
Topics: toysThanks for all your good Christian based answers which have given great clarity to us and has made the sex within our marriage at 17 years as if we were just married. The Lord continues to interject new excitement into our blessed relationship. My question is, the vibrators listed on the Marriage Dance have very little to no reviews. Also, in an attempt to be proper, it is hard sometimes to even figure out how it is meant to be used. We have never seen anything on intensity for example and have often wondered if the intensity of the vibrator my wife has is too much since she often feels as if she needs to wait about a week after using it because of the intensity. Are there, for example, different intensities? Are there methods to help a woman have an organism without the use of a vibrator? She can get very excited without a vibrator but to have an organism she needs one. Any clarity in that area would be appreciated. Thanks
Topics: pornReally its been 17 yrs of lying my husband keep his secret for the first 10 I believed he had a medical problem then I believed I was not good enough. Then 4yrs ago I caught him...porn.Yes, he wanted to stop so he said. yea still going on same excuses work tired ...I'm not nice I belittle him well trust me I have tried EVERYTHING but leaving. Yes, 5 different councilors come out to I should just take care of myself. Q. why am I still here in this I'm becoming more bitter the more distant
I just want it to go away but I do need to make that choice live sexlessly or get out of this he hasn't stopped after oh say 40 yrs. why now right? Here's why he won't talk about it so he is keeping his dirty little secret.... well thank you I answered my own question
Topics: body imageMy husband tells me how much he loves my breasts and spends a fair amount of time enjoying them, but I noticed recently that they have mysteriously shrunken a little...nearly half a cup size. I mentioned it to him and he blurted out, "I hope not!"
This isn't the first and only time he has commented negatively on their more demure size.
I know he loves me, and my body. But I also know he likes larger breasts. Not huge, but larger, like a full c cup or D cup. He complains when hormones or weight loss alter my breast size. He was disappointed that I didn't keep my larger "milk jugs" when the babies weaned. This isn't inference....this is horse's mouth stuff.
It bothers me. It is nice, I guess, that he feels he can be honest with me, and I am more to him than my chest size, but it really bugs me that I cannot give him the gift of bigger pillows. He doesn't want me to have surgery, but he wouldn't complain if I woke up with cups running over.
I am not sure how to get over not having what he would ultimately like. I actually have anxiety about my bosoms shrinking more! I cringe inwardly when he goes to grab my chest and grabs my padded bra instead. Do you have any advice for me? (Despite my anxiety, he does have full access to my chest).
Topics: singleI just came across this site very great site for marrieds I think you should also open it up for Christians over 30 who are not married but want or are in a relationship. Many Christians are not getting married these days and its one thing to be telling teens and 20 somethings to be married but many Christians have prayed and still waiting on spouses now we are dating and marrying people who are not Christians but good people. And many Christian men don't want to get married because they are "focusing" on the LORD Thanks GI
Topics: sex driveI'm a married woman in my early 40s. 3 children, teenagers & early adult. So my husband & I have a lot of time together since our kids are never here or don't need us like they used to. In my mind, im not beautiful, even though my husband says it several times a day. I guess my question is, why doesn't he want to have sex with me? I know he works hard and is tired. I send him sexy text, loving and missing you texts. Wear things I think he will like. Intentionally don't wear underwear because I know he likes that. I can't remember the last time I turned him down. I've sent emails to him about having sex every day for a week, bought panties from Victoria Secret & called it the 7 days of panties. He would pick out the pair he wanted me to wear that day. Tried planning a day for sex. If he's tired, and wants to have sex, I've asked him to tell me that. That he wants to but is too tired. I hear women talk about their husbands always wanting sex, and that's all he thinks about. Do I have the only husband not like that? In the past few years, we have gotten so much closer. We talk about everything. Except this. I don't talk about this anymore. We've learned so much more about each other. We've been married for 23 years. And we both have learned things about the other that we were afraid or embarrassed about. We had our kids young, 3 by the time I was 25, so now that they are starting their lives, I want things to be different for us. I've done and said things I know he likes and it's just not working.. I honestly don't know what else I can try to get him to want me. Sex is always amazing and he says so every time. So why doesn't what I do make him want me? I honestly think he wants to only when his body feels like it. Nothing I do, say or wear makes a difference. So what is wrong with me?
Topics: affairI have cheated on my husband before. He is aware of it. We chose to get past it. That was 6 years ago. I feel like any moment he will realize he doesn't love me anymore for what I did and decide he only stayed because of our child(they are inseparable) and leave. And I feel like I deserve it. He has never once brought it back up. Not jokingly. Not seriously. NEVER has he reminded me of my infidelity. He seems to fully trust me. But now because of myself I feel I don't trust him and I'm not worthy. I'm sure sometimes I am exaggerating but, I often feel I accept how I'm being treated because again, I deserve it. And then I know it's in my mind. I know he looks at other women that walk by and it makes me furious. And after 19 years it shouldn't. I mean, who would stay with someone 19 years if they didn't want to be there right? I don't feel like he is attracted to me. He use to tell me I was beautiful. Now I feel like I have to say something first to coax him to say it and then I know it isn't original. With no good role models in my life and seemingly everyone cheating on each other(yes I'm sounding hypocritical here) I cannot break down the wall and just be vulnerable and trusting. With my own husband. I know it is ridiculous and yet my own insecurities will not allow me to accept that maybe he does really love me. Probably a lot. But because my mind sees things the way I do, I feel like it's coming any second. We recently met a new person. Single. 10 years younger. Extremely attractive female. he stumbles all over himself when she is around. He text her about our daughter but he also text her other times. And I later found out he never answered my text because he was texting her the exact same time. When I asked him if there was anything going on his response was "I can't help if she's attractive". And "she doesn't want anything to do with me". Not once did he say, you're the only one for me or that I'm prettier than her to make me feel more secure. Nothing. Now I'm stuck in that and I can't let it go. Why would that be his response? Because he is being brutally honest and if I don't watch out, she might decide she is interested and take my man? And she is beautiful. Absolutely stunning. And such a sweet person. Who wouldn't want to be her man? I digress but, to what I've forgotten. I know I need to be more confident and I know that asking you for advice won't help me unless I figure this out. I'm trying. I want to love myself so much that I don't worry about what he is doing because I know he isn't doing anything. This is detailed and can most likely only be fixed with therapy but, ANY advice you can give to help push me closer to figuring it out would be great. I don't care if you share my story but, please change the info a little if you will to protect the other person. As far as I know she has done nothing wrong and I would not want to hurt her as she is a businesswoman with a reputation to protect.
Topics: sex driveI have been following your blog for about 6 months now and I am a big fan.
My question reflects an emerging realization that that neither my wife of 22 years or I feel the need or desire to have sex anymore.
The bible instructs us to have sex. What if neither of us wants sex anymore? We are happy, no affairs, masturbation, porn or fantasizing. Are we really compelled by the word of God to have sex anyway? If so this makes no sense to me. We both feel like there are so many more productive ways we can spend our time.
I look forward to your thoughts.
Topics: addictionHow did you break the addiction of masturbation? How can I help my husband stop?
Topics: affairDo you or anyone else have advice on how to rebuild a sex life with a husband who has been unfaithful?
Even though he has decided to end the affair and work on the marriage I am stuck with the painful mental images of what and where they did things .hes been honest about it all even to the point of saying the sex with the other woman was so uninhibited and exciting.i feel inferior and embarrassed but know for our marriage to survive i must overcome this .is it time that heals ? I know lack of sex set us up for this problem in the first place and now it feels so much worse .btw we are in therapy.
Topics: premarital sex, sex driveHey I just have a quick question about something that's been frustrating me for quite a while now.
I recently got married about 8 moths ago, and my wife and I barely of any intimacy. If sexual intercourse has to be initiated it has to be by me, but I don't enjoy doing it cause often times I feel like am forcing myself own her, and she will just lie there almost unresponsive and doesn't participate in the act.
We are both Christian and although we shouldn't have, we had an active sex life when we just started seeing each other, and it eventually died down to the point that we only have sex if and when I become overly frustrated and would initiate it. I spoke to my wife about it and she explains that she only involved so actively in sex before because she thought that's what I wanted and didn't want to loose me but, she doesn't really like having sex. When she told me that I felt betrayed and bad, cause it felt like I've been forcing myself on her all this time when she didn't really want to.
Our marriage has become sexless and I'm frustrated because I enjoy having sex but will rather do it with someone who wants me to.
I love my wife and have no desire of living her or cheating on her, so my question is what can I do to cope living in a sexless marriage.
Topics: drugsIs it ever ok for a Christian to try the 'lesser' recreational drugs, such as magic mushrooms?
Topics: connectionMaking love vs. having sex, what is the difference? What does this look like practically in the context of a Christian marriage? From what I have read, having sex often lacks emotional care and concern for the other sexual partner whereas making love is about satisfying the other partner and forming a deep emotional connection during sex. Do you have any suggestions for enhancing making love or deepening the emotional connection during sex?
Topics: Communication, loveI'm pretty sure this is a common question in ur field, but I need tips on strengthening my love towards my husband.... Let me explain. We have 5 kids 7 being the oldest. So when he comes home. I'm tired frustrated, ready for him to help but he goes to his room. To relax from a long day of labor. He is a carpenter. But he comes in what's cooked. Did you do this? Why didn't you do that?!! And all I wanna do is scream and run!! Can you help?? Any advice?? I've prayed about it every day almost and all his family says is... I don't know how you do it, I wouldn't!! Really... Doesn't help me mentally! I have no family here. They all live out of state! I do love him and don't want to dare leave. He's a wonderful person. I just need some help with my being stressed and underappreciated. I can't change him. But I can change to keep our marriage our amazing children from seeing that! I don't want to b that example to them!.....WOW!! I'm so sorry that's a long.. question...!?? Thx for ur time! God Bless!!
Topics: I am looking for some sensual/sexual greeting cards ( like businesses card size ) variety or assorted pack I can send to my wife with flowers. Any ideas or have you ever seen these somewhere?
Topics: gatekeeping, sex driveFirst, I'd like to say that I am beyond relieved to have found your website! I have been searching, sometimes desperately, off and on for help, and for the most part I've received little to no answers as a wife. Rather, I've only found continuous reminders that my husband NEEDS sex and it's my DUTY to give it to him and wrong to withhold it from him without any further advice or help other than the usual scriptural references along with, "Get counseling."
Do I need counseling? My husband and I really aren't sure, but we'd like to avoid that extreme if possible because it's a lot of time and money that may or may not be well spent. And both of those resources are not easy to come by, especially when you have 2 children in diapers!
It is possible that you won't be able to help me and you may very well suggest counseling, but I want to give it a shot anyway.
Before I give my inquiry I'll give more background on my family that i think will be helpful for you to know in responding.
My husband and I have been married for about 3 and 1/2 years now. As I mentioned, we have 2 children: the eldest will be 2 years old September 3rd and the youngest is nearly 3 months. I stay home with them while my husband works Monday through Friday.
I was my husband's first girlfriend. Before marriage and a bit, while dating, my husband struggled with pornography (maybe even a bit while we were married at the very start, can't remember.) Then while dating, he and I went too far physically on a number of occasions, but never full intercourse.
As for myself, before my husband, I had one boyfriend (regrettably) that convinced me on thrice occasions to do more with him physically than I ever wanted to, but again, never full intercourse.
I learned later in life that many of my siblings (I'm the youngest of 8 children) were victims of sexual abuse from babysitters. Thankfully the Lord spared me from experiencing it myself.
The issue? To put it concisely, I think I have a mild to a moderate aversion to sex and I'm pretty certain that it's not because of my dear husband. And when I say "dear" I mean it. He is wonderful, especially in dealing with this issue. We are able to talk about absolutely everything, including everything around sex and this aversion I have.
Our sexual relationship is...spotty and confusing. It's especially been spotty within the last year because my second pregnancy brought a good amount of physical pain. But I say confusing because there have been times when we've had great/wonderful sex. And there have been times where I am totally fine with it and I love talking about it with him and doing it multiple times in a week. But on the flip side, in the past and recently, I very easily feel violated, especially when it comes to my nipples being touched. And there have been times where we've been in the middle of having great sex, my husband will have touched me a certain way, and I feel repulsed and immediately shut down and it all comes to a screeching halt.
My husband in no way puts pressure on me. As I stated earlier, he is so very understanding. Especially with how I've been feeling as of late. It's been really bad. I have been repulsed by the very idea of sex. I hate it. I want nothing to do with it. I wish it would go away. Why? Because I know my husband needs it but I'm in no shape to give it so I'm riddled with guilt and condemnation! Taking care of my nearly 2-year-old daughter as well as my nearly 3-month-old son, let alone breastfeeding him! I barely have time to eat during the day! Literally! Then my husband comes home and begins helping me immediately, barely stopping to take a restroom break. And we take turns eating dinner because one of us usually has to get the baby to sleep in order to have a peaceful dinner. Then we put our eldest to bed for the night then the baby wakes up a-GAIN and we've barely had time to talk in between it all. The idea of sex after that makes me feel like an object! Sorta like before I was married and I would get cat calls from total strangers. I would never have sex with a total stranger, and I DON'T want to have sex when my husband and I barely even get to talk! It feels like exactly that, having sex with a stranger. A one night stand. I feel like a thing! Used! Again, my husband hardly even makes advances at me, but I know he needs and wants it. So lately I've been walking around with this annoying mixture of condemnation, guilt, and disgust concerning sex wishing that it could just disappear until this crazy infant/toddler stage with my babies has passed! And I don't want to blame them! It's not their fault! They're just babies! I love them! And my husband is wonderful! He's so wonderful! But I can't just give him what I know he wants and needs because it makes me feel so horrible and disgusting that I just want to disappear sometimes! Everywhere I read it says, "Don't deny your husband sex just because you don't feel like it." but it's more than that for me! It's not like, "I don't feel like doing the dishes." or "I don't feel like doing the laundry." It's more like if I agree to have sex with how I'm feeling right now it will likely cause lasting emotional damage. Not even kidding. And to go along with that, my husband can't even enjoy sex if I'm not enjoying it. Let alone suffering through the act solely for his sake.
I will backtrack a little and say that for one, we talk about this pretty regularly, cause as I said, I check on him very regularly and I apologize CONSTANTLY because I feel horrible for how I feel. I feel like I'm ruining our marriage! I! AM! FAILING! But thankfully, even very recently, there have been a number of occasions where these conversations have led to us having some of the best sex ever! So that's good! But sometimes, especially as of late i just keep thinking, "What is wrong with me?"
Topics: oralI like going down on my wife after we finish having sex. Are there any issues with this?
Topics: abuse, widowhoodJust read this and realized I cannot think of anyone except my wife when I am intimate with her.
We see a therapist because she was sexually abused as a young teen and it breaks my heart that it happened.
I want so much to be sexual with her but she has issues. When we do have sex it is the most wonderful union we could ever imagine.
I have my issues but I just wish I could make her realize how much I desire her and our lovemaking is truly beautiful, intense, passionate and spiritual. I focus on US when we are able to take time to be romantic and loving.
I want thoughts of no other women in my mind because to me she is the most beautiful woman alive!
Perhaps it was because I was married to a beautiful woman for 37 years. She died and I want this one to know that she is special, unique, the one and only and that my intimacy with her is why God created us as sexual human beings.
Guess I am just nutty and wired that way!
Topics: Parenting, toysI'm interested in adding toys to our intimate repertoire. However, one of the issues which keeps me reluctant to do so is the fear of my kids finding them. My kids' ages range between 15 and 21. There is no doubt they would know exactly what they were if they were to stumble across them. And for some reason I feel like they carry a stigma different than the condoms and lube in the nightstand, which I'm not worried about them finding. I would hate for my kids to discover that we're using a vibrator or butt plug. I know that the embarrassment wouldn't be insurmountable, but I would prefer to avoid it. My question is: How and/or where do you hide your toys when they're not in use?
Topics: sex driveI think I need a miracle, so my question is more like 'can you pray for me?'
I have a family history of clinical depression, which I've been trying to treat for the better part of 15 years since I was a teenager. I've have tried everything and nothing, and the only thing that keeps me functioning and not suicidal or homicidal is antidepressants (SSRI's, to be precise). I've come to accept that, but I recently got married. My mom always warned me that SSRI's can kill your sex life (specifically the ability to orgasm) but there was not much I could do: if I stop taking them or try an alternative therapy, I have very bad side effects from weight gain to nausea to suicidal tendencies. I just figured that since I followed God's will and was abstinent until I got married that He would reward me for it.
Now I am happily married for a year and a half, but have never orgasmed and really don't have sex much. I feel like I'm missing out on a very important aspect of marriage and I just spent the better part of an hour weeping for the loss (or lack) of intimacy with my husband.
I search the internet for treatments or ways to combat this 'side effect' and the only answer is "there is no treatment but to stop SSRI's".
So that's it: I either never ever have a fulfilling relationship with my husband, or I risk a downward spiral of withdrawal, sickness, mood swings, and stay-in-bed-all-day depression.
I really want prayer and support but this isn't a subject that is appropriate for announcing at a prayer meeting or discussing with my pastor or small church congregation. I don't have anyone to confide in, I just... need a miracle. The first answer is finding a current website devoted to Christian sexuality, and I very grateful for that.
Topics: edHi, I am 69 years old and have been suffering from e d. Is there product you know of that I can take without having to use those dangerous prescription drugs. This is causing some problems in our sex lives. I don't know if this is a question you deal with but I thought I would give it a try.
Topics: drugs, health, sex driveMy wife has no sex drive due the ADD medicine she takes daily. How do we cope with that being we have sex maybe twice a month. She is not really into it . I have had battles with porn but not recently but it just get harder to remain pure.
Topics: sex driveMy wife isn't very adventurous. What can I do to respect her wishes to be less adventurous? What can I do to help her become more adventurous?
I know that you are a young guy but would you discuss sexuality in the aging male (female too, if you have time). We are in our late 40's. I am very interested in natural health and bio-identical hormone therapy but my husband, not so much. :-) I would like to get your input from the male perspective. Thanks!
Topics: sex driveI am a 32 year old mom of three little ones, with a pretty good sex drive (2-6a week) but my husband has much higher than me. We have sex 5-7x a week and it seems he would like more. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel like I'm just a sex toy but sometimes I do. We do pretty much everything you talk about and he hasn't watched porn in about 5 years. I wish he would be satisfied with a bit less but anytime I've hinted at this, he feels rejected. Not what I want! How do we get on the same page while also both being satisfied
Topics: masturbationOn my wedding night, I lost my virginity to my husband. I went on my honeymoon the following week and my husband attempted to have sex once and it lasted like a couple mins because it hurt me. A month later we attempted a couple times but he would get frustrated that it still hurt me and he would try for a few min as he was hard and then it would go down and he would just walk away from me without trying more. I found journal entries that he had kept about being addicted to masturbating in the past. I have never caught him masturbating but we were hardly having sex and that worries me when I would approach him he would say I don't have sex with you cause it hurts you. As newlyweds we barely had sex and I found that weird. I ended up leaving him after 5 months of marriage because I was really scared he had issues and he would not address them. What do you think the actual problem is?
Topics: premarital sexMy fiancé and I have sex every once in a while. Are their changes in sex after marriage?
Topics: OrgasmI am a 50 year old woman. This year I have started crying after having an orgasm. Nothing is wrong at all it's like a physical response. My husband is supportive but doesn't really understand. Is this normal/typical and if so why does this happen?
Topics: masturbationMy husband went out of bed one night out of anger as I was not in the mood for sex and masturbated in the bathroom right next to me. I still don't know how to feel and respond to his behavior. But I feed cheated hurt and ashamed of this. We haven't spoken about it yet how to I approach this dilemma?
Topics: pornI'm a visual person. That is how I learn. I don't always get it when I read it. Would it be wrong to watch a video on erotic massage or is that a glorified word for porn?
Topics: gatekeeping, sex driveJay Dee,
I am one of your fairly new but very devoted listeners and readers. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy your website! I appreciate your ideas and viewpoints so much.
I was having lunch with a friend today and the topic of sex came up. Her and her husband are both in their 50's and she decided on her own a couple of years ago that they didn't need to have sex anymore and that she didn't believe that people that were too old to have kids were intended to have active sex lives until they were very old! I tried to point out the passage in 1 Timothy 5:9, but she said that in the bible 60 was considered very young. She is one of my very best friends and I know that her husband is having testosterone shots for a health reason which I would think would make this even harder on him. Now I know why he is so grumpy most of the time! Now her daughter who is married with two small kids is having trouble in her marriage and withholding. Neither one of them see this as a problem.
Any advise for me to share & then what is your take on how long a husband and wife can and should have an intimate sex life within their marriage? For the life of me, I can't figure out why she wouldn't want one as long as she could!
Thank you again for all you do! I always look forward to the days I know you will post something.
Topics: activitiesCan you do a post about music suggestions for the bedroom? It's hard to look for God-honoring music for intimate times without bumping into some raunchy songs. I'm curious if you or anyone else has found the perfect playlist/artist/song.
Topics: manual, oralMy wife doesn't like oral or manual sex.
we have tried some things but after a while, it is back to the old grindstone as it were.
I have only performed oral sex a few times, initially, she liked it, but never requested it, and has since chosen to eschew it, even if I request to give it to her.
I sometimes wonder if my wife has a hypersensitive clitoris or one that lacks sensitivity.
She can orgasm by grinding on me and can orgasm while I have penetrated.
I would like to be able to pleasure my wife in diverse ways but don't trust getting information from most locations online.
How can I change her mind about oral sex?
If it is my mind that must be changed that how can I do it?
Topics: CommunicationAre there any site to let wife read to help get her over the embarrassment of talking about her sexual desires
Topics: porn, premarital sexMy husband (31) and I (27) have been married for 4 months. Prior to getting engaged, we were sexually active. I thought as newlyweds, our sex life would be active & exciting... WRONG! We barely have sex. maybe once every 10-12 days. I've expressed how I felt and nothing has changed. I did some snooping around and found out he's been watching porn and masturbating and it hurts... A LOT. I feel so disconnected from my husband and this is only the beginning. Help?
Topics: body image, initiating, sex driveMy husband and I used to have sex ALL the time. It was like we could never keep our hands off each other. We were adventurous, interested in trying new things in the bedroom, etc. But now, we haven't had sex in over a year. It started (rather ended) when I became pregnant with our first child. Sex stopped abruptly as he was concerned he might "hurt the baby" if we had sex. Then, at one of my doctor checkups, we found out I had placenta previa, and was told not to have sex for the duration of the pregnancy. After our son was born, we were both so sleep deprived, sex was the last thing on our minds.
But now that our son is sleeping through the night and we finally have a good daily routine in place, my husband still won't have sex.
I've talked to him about this, but still nothing. I'm starting to become insecure with my postpartum figure, feeling so unwanted. I've told my husband this too.
I think a big part of our problem is we have become numb to sexual desires. We have gone so long without sex that it feels awkward to initiate it and/or we don't realize the other person is initiating because it's become so foreign. How do we get back to wanting each other? How do we get over this awkwardness?
Topics: analI've seen your post on anal sex and your survey results about various forms of anal play, but would you be willing to talk a lot anal play on him, specifically?
My husband and I had been kind of conservative in this area where we used to think that any kind of anal play was outside of God's design. I read another post by a Christian blogger a few weeks back about stimulating his perineum, however, and thought I would give that a try. Much our surprise, my husband experienced more pleasure the farther back I went and he timidly admitted me to me after a couple of times doing this that he wanted me to penetrate him digitally. I am curious to explore this but none of the Christian bloggers will even touch the subject area, which leaves us both a little confused. None of this exploration has been motivated by sin such as porn; we've just kind of accidentally stumbled upon this a source of incredible pleasure for him. We are gradually changing our thoughts on the anal play, since the more we explore this the more we see that there appears to be a whole lot of sources of pleasure down there and I don't think that was an accident on God's part. Anyway, I am nervous to Google stuff on anal play because I am scared of what I might stumble across. Do you know anything about anal play on him? I want to learn more but don't know where to turn.
Topics: sex driveAs a man,of course I find it hard to understand how my wife can go weeks without wanting an orgasm. I know women are different but it troubles me that my wife can go weeks without any sexual intimacy and worse yet without any physical interaction. It's killing me! (metaphorically)
Topics: abuse, gatekeepingOur sex life is nonexistent. My husband won't even sleep in our bed anymore because when he is yelling and swearing at me, I have asked him to sleep somewhere else because I am scared of him and can't sleep with him in the room, and due to health problems, I need to sleep in a real bed (me sleeping on the couch or a mattress on the floor usually sees me needing medical treatment). And since he's the one being abusive, I can't face a night lying awake in agony on the couch on top of being verbally and emotionally abused and him smashing my things up.
But now as punishment for asking him to sleep in another room when he has abused me verbally and emotionally and I get scared he'll hurt me, he refuses to sleep in our bed ever again until I promise I won't kick him out ever again, no matter what he does. And since he is regularly abusive, I would never get any sleep if I didn't ask him to sleep elsewhere when he is abusive as I genuinely can't sleep lying next to someone who has just called me horrible names, said horrible things to me and about me and smashed things up.
He has made it clear he sees nothing wrong with deliberately sleeping in another room to get back at me for being too scared to sleep in the same room other nights. And he sees nothing wrong with only having sex less than ten times a year.
We have seen our pastor, a Christian marriage counselor, and a secular marriage counselor. I didn't have the courage to tell the pastor or the Christian counselor about his abusiveness and neither see a sexless marriage as a problem. And our secular marriage counselor has just told to him to get his sex drive medically looked into and tells me to leave him over the abuse but due to finances and health, there is no way for me to leave. I'm tired of being abused and neglected and not shown the least bit of love ever.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of lying awake all night crying alone, night after night. And everyone I turn to for support, offering none.
Topics: lust, pornI am a new reader and managed to go through all the posts in 2 days :) My husband and I have been married 25 years. 3 1/2 years ago I discovered that he as a lust addiction. He has done all the right things, counseling, groups, but he still struggles and has "slips" about every 2-3 months. In a few of your posts, you spoke about porn addiction and I would find it some help if you would be willing to do a post speaking a little more about your journey, the ups and downs and how you are doing today. My husband says it is more of a lust issue because he mainly deals with fantasies that do not include me. He then will either draw cartoons to see them or find a mundane picture of women on the internet and then write captions on them. Fantasy has been the biggest issue to overcome. When he is stressed at work (he does not like his job) he acts out. This weekend, with the help of your website, we were able to have some frank conversations and only time will tell if he will be able to open up more, share his fantasies, even if we cannot act them out, and start to bond more and connect so that he can feel like he can share and eventually he can just have fantasies that include me.
Topics: analWhen between a husband and wife is anal sex a sin? And what are your thoughts on the subject of anal sex?
Topics: fantasy, singleHow should the unmarried treat fantasies? Are they sin?
Topics: Adultery, pornSo you have a lot of questions about porn and erotica, but my husband has a different issue. He is addicted to chat sites. He gets on a site, exchanges numbers with a random stranger, they text, send pictures and maybe have phone sex. This has been going on for the whole 10 years of our relationship. Sometimes there will be lulls in it (he goes without getting caught that is... I am still a little bitter from our most recent experience, so please forgive any angry undertones). He has also had an emotional affair with a woman at work in our past. Each time he's caught he begs forgiveness and then turns the tables on me on my lack of desire. Well, this most recent time hit ms in my face. You see we have been great. Sex 3-5 times a week, emotionally intimate, I haven't even been snooping because I've rebuilt THAT kind of trust with him. Well, I come home early from work last week to find him on a chat site. He swears it's an addiction and it has nothing to do with me. He promises that this time is different and he WANTS to stop. But I am TIRED. I am tired of being sucker punched by infidelity, I am tired of begging God to mend my broken heart and rebuild my trust. I am tired of hoping he'll change only to find he's gotten better at hiding it. How do we get past this? Am I stupid for staying? I read about ending porn addiction and how wives can help by being there when he needs a sexual outlet... What if I don't want to be that outlet? What if I am too hurt to want to be that person? What of I want him to just knock it off? Why am I not allowed those feelings because it's an "addiction"? Our marriage has been great outside of this issue, but it's too big to sweep under the rug. I know we're supposed to forgive 7x70 but I'm pretty worn out. So, can I get some sort of lead on where to start?
Topics: porn, sex driveMy husband doesn't seem to want to have sex lately.. he says he's not in the mood or he's asleep when I'm awake.. well he's not in the mood but lately, I catch him watching porn?? like omg I hate it already but really what am I doing wrong
Topics: analPegging. A married woman & man .... the woman touches her husband. Inserts her finger in her husband ..... now it's not homosexual were talking about a wife and husband ..... I'd like your opinion on it .. plus women point of view.
Topics: pornWhy do Christian blogs address the issue of pornography from such a selfish, objectifying stand point. They address it towards men with how it can affect your sex drive and hurt your wife. I rarely if ever see it addressed as sin, adultery that can separate them from God. I never see it addressed that porn fuels sex trafficking and hurts the people you view. It violates them, too.
For women, porn is addressed by telling them yeah, it hurts to be rejected by your spouse, but seek God. Very true, but it also hurts that a husband chooses to hurt and violate other people, chooses to sin and willfully destroy not only his marriage but his relationship with Christ!
Porn is a big freaking deal.... Much bigger than a little ED from masturbating too often to the poor drugged up and abused girl on the screen. The Bible says fornicators, whore mongerers, and adulterers shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. Not only that, but are their hearts so hardened and self focused that they don't see the human beings on the screen? Why don't their hearts ache and spirits cry for those girls and what they go through? The shame of their uncovered nakedness and abuse all so some guy somewhere can make a mess alone in the dark with his own hand.
It grieves me deeply that Christians either sweep porn under the rug, make excuses, or just scrape the surface by appealing to a guy's natural selfishness.
A man should be in his knees crying out to God for these porn stars and for forgiveness from making an absolute mockery of the sex drive and sexual purpose God has given him. God is not mocked.
Instead, he is told to stop it because it gives him ED and hurts his wife.
I am hoping you will be the first brave Christian marriage blogger to address the truth and deeper implications of porn.
Topics: affairHow does one re-engage intimacy after an affair? Also, how do I overcome the repulsion I have thinking about having sex because 1) of the affair, 2) our relationship doesn't produce any feelings of closeness or special-ness even outside the bedroom, and 3) exposing myself to someone who doesn't love me seems like an act of self-destruction. Do I convince myself to have sex just because we're married? Do my feelings about sex even matter or is it my "duty" to fulfill his needs even when mine are ignored? Is sex a one-sided situation? Because it seems like that in every Christian book/article that I read. Thank you in advance for your thoughts.
Topics: premarital sex, singleHow much of your sexual history do you tell your spouse before getting married, and what of if they ask you for details?
Topics: sex driveHi,
My sister, who is in her early fifties saw a healer 6 months ago. She didnt realise that when he cleared her chakras, he changed her forever.
She had thought she would never experience a great sex life, that the way her and her husband were together in bed was normal. That it was her not really liking sex and not responsive.
Even her husband thought that their sex life was just as it was, dormant, regimental and only having it when she wanted even when she didnt want to do it.
But 6 months ago, this healer changed her life and gave her something she finds magical, overwhelming and beautiful as she has never imagined she could ever feel.
Her husband and herself thought this would be the turning point in their 25 year marriage.
My sister tells me she was like a nympho, the husband thought all his christmass had come at once. They were trying everything to fulfill her but to no avail and she felt this beautiful awakening was being drained away from her from being unfulfilled.
She said she was starting to feel revolted by her husband and felt like a sex toy. But talking to her husband, all he wanted to do was please her and find a way to fulfil her.
My sister , with the persuasion of her 20 year old daughter, has decided that she can no longer sleep in the same bed and is contemplating separation. She says she loves her husband but is not in love and is saying that he was always picking on her and making derogatory remarks before her awakening and using this as excuses for the failure.
I have tried talking to her that the reason behind this before, was due to an unhappy sex life and it does become frustrating.
Then all of a sudden you are a nympho and hes in sex heaven, when you both shouldve taken it slowly and learned how to love again.
But its like shes got tunnel vision.
She thought everyone would be happy and accept her decision on separating but is finding her family and close friends are in shock and disbelief and she cant cope with this.
I told her if she had confided in me months ago we couldve worked together thru this.
Its like shes living in a fantasy land and only thinking of herself. I understand she loves this new feeling. Makes her feel like a woman a sensual woman, but to cast it all aside without trying again slowly, I find hard to believe as she sees therapists for everything!
Her husband is seeking alot of counselling for himself to deal with it all and realises he probably didnt handle alot of things the right way. But he is trying everything to right the situation to no avail. He is a good man and provides very well for them all. But he is feeling very isolated as his daughters are siding with mum as she confided their sexual history, to me that was wrong.
Please can you give me some advice as I havent read anything that is similar to my sisters situation.
Topics: activitiesIs it normal to want to have your testicles played with? Ever since my wife and I got married whenever we engage sexually she never pays much attention to my testicles. Is that normal for husbands to want to have their balls played with? Or do wives enjoy playing with their husband's balls? I would like my wife to pay more attention to my balls, but feel like this would be selfish of me to ask. A little help, please. Thanks
Topics: ForeplayI'm married for 29 years. I love being with my husband sexually but why do I always have to remind him slow and soft during foreplay. You think he might of caught on by now.
Topics: pornIs there a video that helps instruct on sexual techniques
Topics: edMy husband & I have been together for 30yrs we are happy & have raised happy children, we once had a varied happy sex life however he became diabetic 7yrs ago and a side effect of the medicine has caused numerous yeast diseases and impotence. We enjoyed sex at least 5 times per week, including foreplay of kissing & oral sex. because of the yeast disease the GP has advised against kissing as I kept getting sore throats, my husband is now all but impotent and when he uses viagra it gives him terrible headaches afterwards which makes me feel guilty for wanting him to take it. Our life together is still very close, we enjoy dancing and working together in general, but the lack of sex has now become an issue for me, we now use a vibrator and I sometimes watch porn to get me going, I do feel awful and need some clarity on is this sinful and if so what does God want me to do about the lack of sex in my life, which is a natural normal activity
Topics: focusI am trying to be a good Christian in my marriage but I am struggling. When I have sex with my wife I can't seem to stay focused on her. My mind wanders to think about other women every time. I can't seem to stop it. I am working with a therapist to help me re-wire my brain to help me take control of my thoughts. I know this is sinful and I am doing everything I can to change. My question in the meantime is whether since I can't seem to control my thoughts yet, should I just stop having sex with my wife until I can? Also if I am mid-session with my wife and thoughts of other women creep in, should I just stop our activity immediately (ie not finish)?
I've been married for 17 years and feel so much guilt about this. I value any insight you can share.
Topics: PositionsHi Jay,
So, this might be a stupid question, but I am going to ask anyways. I had asked a different question about sexual positions before and not being able to keep my husband's penis in my vagina when we do any other position than missionary. So, to expand on that, I am wondering if there are different types of movements that would help instead of the usual "thrust" movement. Maybe this would help us? Thanks again for your help!
Topics: initiatingMarried 10 years this October, together for 15. I've initiated sex prob less than 10 times in that span. Truthfully, it terrifies me. I know she wants to and I still can't do it. It's gotten really bad and I don't know what to do. She is beautiful, and I love her body, everything about it. I can tease and flirt all day and go to bed knowing she wants it and I still can't do it. It's not an arousal thing. I feel scared and nervous and awkward trying g to start things.
Topics: about usWhich denomination are you-all members of? Thank you.
Topics: gatekeeping, sex driveI know every situation is different and you can only give generalisations, but how much sex is "regular"? How much refusal is "depriving"?
My husband has re-iterated again tonight that we will NEVER have sex three (or more) times a week. Not once, ever. He doubts we will ever have it twice a week again, something that only happened maybe twice in the first year of our marriage and never since (even our honeymoon was only 3 times in 15 days). We currently have sex once every two months.
He considers this to be "regular" and to not be depriving me at all. When I ask for sex several times a day, we have sex weekly. When my spirit got too crushed to continue and dropped down to once every day or two, sex moved to fortnightly. When my spirit got crushed even further and I only ask 2-3 times a week, we now have sex once every two months. As I pointed out to him - I have less than a 10% success rate of getting sex when I ask.
He has stated categorically that it's not depriving your spouse if you have any reason at all to say no, and that ""I don't feel like it"" is a perfectly sufficient, valid reason to say no. He never feels like it which is why we have sex once every two months. And to him, that is not depriving me at all, even though I've made it very clear that three times a week is the bare minimum I would like to have it.
I'm tired of being called crazy 'nymphomaniac' pervert for wanting sex three times a week. Like I'm some kind of deviant for wanting sex that much (or more).
I know he has a massive testosterone deficiency (diagnosed by a specialist but he is refusing treatment) but it would be so easily fixed. All he needs is a monthly injection the specialist said. But his words were he "doesn't see it as a priority". Not for the lack of libido or any of the other health problems it's causing like depression, lethargy and more.
He will respond to theology and hard facts if presented to him (by anyone other than me). How can I show to him that what he is doing IS depriving me of a very important part of marriage and IS sinful and desperately needs addressing? What theology and facts can I present to him to explain that once every two months is a sexless marriage and not "regular" sex, and that "just don't feel like having sex" is not a valid reason to turn down your spouse multiple times a day for weeks on end. How can I explain to him that he has a Christian duty to provide (genuinely) regular sex in marriage and three times a week is not unreasonable and should be a minimum, and isn't excessive at all (I mean it's not like I'm asking for three times a day).
Yes, we have two kids but they aren't too much to handle mostly. He only has a part time job and has a desk job. He has no health problems other than that caused by the low testosterone (mild depression and mild lethargy) and ultimately it's his choice to knock back treatment for it.
I'm totally lost - I don't feel sexual attraction for anyone other than a spouse (I know in that way I'm weird) so I'm not in any danger of cheating (but I wouldn't cheat even if I did feel attraction for others), I actually don't have a problem with someone in my situation masturbating but I don't enjoy it and don't see the point of it, and I have a physical desire (I won't call it a ""need"" but it's definitely a craving) to have genuinely regular sex (as I said... three times a week at least). But it's got to the point with him constantly putting me down and attacking me for even asking twice a week, calling me perverted, messed-up etc for wanting sex "that much" that the thought of even asking him for sex makes me want to throw up. I keep asking because 1. despite his lack of interest, when he does have sex he acts nicer and happier for a few days and 2. even though the thought of having sex with him makes me sick, I need to do something about my desire for sex and he's the only husband I have. Our marriage needs sex and I "need" sex, but how do I keep asking for it when he is so nasty to me for asking for it and more than 90% of the time says no anyway?
I can't do it anymore. I don't think I can ask for sex at all, ever. I honestly believe that if presented with an explanation of what "regular" really means, and what "depriving" really means and what is a valid excuse to not have sex (and what isn't), he would totally change his attitude, but I can't find anything out there aimed at men. All the "stop being selfish and depriving your spouse" things out there seemed at women and the rest are unisex and not very blunt. I need something very blunt and aimed at men and I'm desperate.
Topics: edMy husband of 20+ years has recently experienced a couple of episodes of difficulty maintaining an erection. He is 51 years old and healthy as far as I know. We have recently (within the last two -three months) ramped up our sex life- going from 1-3 times a month to averaging twice a week. (After going through menopause, I finally got my hormones working again. This made a huge difference.) I have two questions:
1) Is this normal for his age? Should he see a doctor? Or is this too much for our age?
2) How should I handle this when it happens? I know that it is difficult enough for men. I don't want to make things worse by saying or doing the wrong thing. I love him very much.
By the way, I have just recently discovered your blog and podcasts! Love them! Thank you so much! I am now a devoted reader and listener!
Topics: analMy husband would like me to massage his prostate. There is a gross factor for me but I love him and would love to make him happy! How do I get over the gross factor? Is this common? Is this ok?
Topics: activities, sex driveMy wife is beautiful and enjoys sex. She orgasms 99% of the time.
I feel that I am a more sexual being than she is. This can sometimes cause conflict in our marriage as I want to try new things, but she tends to be more reserved. She can think that things are fine and when I suggest new things it comes across that I am unsatisfied with our sex life. I just want her to get her mind more into sex, to be more curious, playful, and exploratory. I think that her playful can sometimes be different than my playful, because she likes to get really silly. This makes me feel like she isn't into the moment and passion of sex. What can I do to help her get her mind into sex, to realize that she can be a sexual, erotic creature that is curious, playful and exploratory when it comes to sex?
Topics: porn, sex driveMy accountability partner and I seem to struggle with the same problem. We are each married to women that do not seem interested in sex. Yet we both profess to be a little too interested it seems, and each fight a desire to view pornography. We would both prefer to find complete satisfaction within our relationships with our wives. The question, basically, is what's the solution? How do you remain godly when these things are such a struggle and being married was supposed to aid with that? Scripture teaches self-control, but what can be done practically?
Topics: oralI would like to know how many wives really enjoy oral sex? I heard a Christian COUNSELOR say he counseled 1000 coupes and only one or two of the women enjoyed it. Is he right? I would like to experience it sometimes but my wife does not really enjoy it but I really enjoy doing it to her but she does really that much.
Topics: oralWife love oral when we have sex. Only I want her to show me how she wants me to pleasure her. Quit talking about it, just loves the multi-orgasms now it's with lights out, want to talk about it. What can I do?
Topics: ed, health, sex driveMany men are diagnosed with prostate cancer. The treatments leave most with sexual function issues. Dealing with the ED and the remedies for it can be very difficult. Some chose a penile implant to restore some of what they lost but it is never the same as what God gave them. I would be interested in how other Christian women deal with this. I feel like I am grieving a death...the death of what we had as a couple and we no longer have. I am thankful to God that he is alive but he is on hormone therapy which is called chemical castration...no desire and no ability to reach orgasm. I am not sure if you have ever dealt with this and would be curious to hear your suggestions for a wife in this situation who still has a very strong sex drive and misses this with her husband.
Topics: activitiesWhen using ice and candles is it best to drip the wax then follow with ice or vice versa?
Any other helpful information would be great.
Topics: pregnancyMy wife is pregnant how can we enjoy our sex
Topics: activities, gatekeeping, oralMy wife thinks oral sex is gross, how can I get her to understand that I enjoy it but she won't do it at all. Also, she only wants to do missionary position and won't try anything else. Before children, she uses to perform/receive oral almost daily. She also used to try multiple positions. My sex life is boring and mundane and wants things to varying but she's unwilling to even try. I'm fed up with being the only one to initiate and I'm considered the spouse that always wants sex. Need both husband and wife advice on this one. HELP?
Topics: CommunicationMy wife says sex begins with the relationship. For her, the relationship is about talking. We have incredibly dysfunctional habits when it comes to talking to each other. I find it difficult to want to talk to her because when I do open my mouth she says things like I am the most annoying person on the planet. Who would want to talk to a person that feels that way about you? Help!!!
Topics: lust, pornHow do men feel what do they hear what do they think when they hear that their wife or wives, in general, feel that they (the wife) are not enough because he still exercises his natural attraction to women (anywhere from noticing to outright leering and porn use)?
Topics: Communication(Disclaimer: Sorry for the length. That's what he said!) Ok, I'm sorry. Couldn't resist that one. Question time. Why would my husband feel awkward having sex talks with me? The only times we ever discuss our sex life, I have to initiate and keep the conversation going. Even then, he gives me roundabout answers like when I ask what he likes, etc. "I like everything you do" might seem like an applaudable answer, but it's not. He admitted that he avoids those kinds of "awkward" conversations. This is so confusing. We've been marrIed nearly 5 years and we're not boring in the bedroom, so why is it still weird for him to have intimate discussions with me? We're pretty much BFFLS. We laugh a lot. Our marriage is really great except this weird out of sync sex thing we're dealing with. It sucks and I'm so sad. He withdraws emotionally and it's fracturing our sex life. I've had to initiate sex pretty much every time recently and I'm a woman. I want to be pursued! Dear lord, this post is so long. Sorry. MAIN QUESTION: how do I make him comfortable and secure enough in us to talk about sex? Why would he not feel like I'm safe to talk to? I'm so confused and hurt. Also, I don't nag/criticize, I NEVER turn him down for sex (he rarely asks, sigh), and I always try new stuff. I'm making major efforts. He's not into porn, having an affair, or anything "typical" to make him this way. We do have a 7 month old, so maybe that's something, but he's always been like this and it's hard on me being the guessing communicator.
Topics: gatekeepingOur marriage is sexless because I "refuse". There is so much hurt from constant betrayal in our relationship that he will not acknowledge. I have tried every sex challenge I can find but I cannot respond sexually. Sex is repulsive to me for the hurt I feel and his refusal to acknowledge it. I feel violated because it is only for his pleasure. He criticizes me because my body does not respond. He does not feel he needs to spend time with me and has not taken me on a date in over 10 years. He is a very unmotivated person and spends every evening playing video games, then comes to bed once I'm asleep and gropes me, then criticizes me for not being "ready".. We went to counseling after I asked 4 times over a period of 2 years. He acknowledges that I am respectful to him and also acknowledges the initiatives I have tried. But he says since he is willing to have sex with me, therefore the problem is all mine. The counselor says he has emotionally abandoned me. Counseling ended because he would not engage. Now he says that all the relationship problems are mine because I am abusing him by not engaging "enthusiastically" and says I am being sinful and selfish if I refuse and also if I please him out of duty. I am exhausted and I have tried everything I can find. I have prayed for a good attitude, one-on-one with a pastor, initiated, tried talking about it (he refuses since he does not see himself as the problem or as part of the solution), counseling, and there is nothing left. Am I really expected to live the rest of my life feeling violated and unloved and blamed?
Topics: sex driveSo my wife and I have been together for 14 years, I'm 35, she is 35. We have been married for 4 years, yes we have had sex the whole 14 years. I'm very disappointed in our sex life, she never initiates it, ever....she never wants to have sex with me, we used to have sex anywhere from 3-7 times per week, sometimes more....now I'm lucky to get sex 1-2 times in a 2 week period....that opens up a lot of questions, is she cheating, using me, am I unattractive, am I boring her, etc.....I have always been considered a god in bed, very skilled at sex, she tells me she just has no desire for it but she doesn't know why. I call bullcrap on that one...she does, however, say once we start having sex she enjoys it still, in fact, I still give her multiples....her libido has slowed down progressively in the last 3 years, I hate it, I can't take it anymore, she thinks this is all about sex when it's not and refuses to listen to me or believe it's more than just sex...to me it's about sex yes, but also the intimacy, closeness, love, confidence, general well being.....please help?
Topics: activitiesMy wife and I are both Christian Faith and have a question about a fantasy we both have. We both are wondering if it is okay for use to roll play in a rape type setting.
Thanks for your input!
Topics: porn, sex driveThank you for the reader's question and thank you for the response!
Question: I have been married 2 1/4 year. Our sex-life since marriage has been less that satisfying (i.e. 1x a month to not having sex for up to 5 months...). This has been an issue of contention between my husband and I (I have a strong desire to have a sexually active life and he doesn't seem to have this desire oftentimes). Turns out, around the 1 1/2 year mark I find out that he is "addicted to porn." we go through marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc., and he claims to have not looked at porn since the day he admitted his addiction (which I respect greatly). However, our sex life is -still- less than mediocre. I am a female and I feel naturally inclined to question myself... Not too sure if this is a sign of self-esteem or some sort of fault but, rather, am concerned if we may not be meant to be together if we have COMPLETELY different sex drives.
I will love this man until the day I die (he is an amazing person) but I am at peace with not being married to him if he cannot meet my needs (yes, this is a "need" for me). I feel like sex is a cornerstone to a marriage. IF we cannot figure out this cornerstone then the future is even more uncertain (e.g. having a family, starting a business, etc.).
Topics: healthWhat causes wet dreams and can it be stopped?
Topics: healthDo you have tips for a couple where the wife has multiple sclerosis... limited mobility (i cannot reposition myself in bed) and sensation (I don't feel ticklish or get goosebumps or feel a chill down my spine) ?
Topics: crossdressingI would like to have my husband try a pair of my panties on so how do I suggest this?
Topics: sex driveHow can my wife and I have the sexual relationship needed for us to have a strong, thriving marriage relationship? Forgive me. I know this question is so generic and so broad, that it's virtually impossible for one to answer without knowing more details. Allow me to provide some below. I'm 28, my wife is 25, and we have a 4 year old daughter. I have a very high sex drive, my wife has a very low one. I need sex. Lots and lots and lots of sex. I'm sure you don't need to hear the story. Sex means everything to me. Without it, there is no marriage, but rather, I live alone with my daughter and a hired caretaker. I am a serious problem solver. I always find the answers to my questions, sooner or later, except when it comes to sex and marriage. I've spent years of my life studying and researching the great truths of Scripture. I know twice and much as I should, yet not half of what I ought. My wife and I have struggled with this sex in marriage thing since the beginning. Ultimately I conclude that the majority of the issue exists because I have a high sex drive and she has a low one. This is the usual pair up. I remember my wife chuckled one time, "You know what I just realized, we haven't had sex in two weeks." Wasn't funny to me. It took her two weeks to realize it. You can probably tell me when I first realized it. The next morning, all that day, and all of every day and night for the next two weeks. It's why I cried myself to sleep, it's why I hated my life, it's why I wished I was single. To her it was a small matter to miss sex, hardly noticeable, for me it's life and death. Over time, she has come to understand to some degree it's importance to me, but she doesn't have enough hormones to naturally remind her or drive her to do anything about it. Also, she is lazy when it comes to doing stuff. She will deny this on the surface, but she will admit it's truth as long as she feels safe to do so. I have pleaded and begged and cried in her lap to research and make effort to understand me and to learn how to enhance our sex life and actually do it. But the effort is usually dead by the next morning. I could blame it all in her, but I don't really believe I am perfectly innocent for our problems. Due to the extreme since of rejection from sexual neglect, I will often push her away when she tries to have sex. My mind cannot bear the idea of the emotional pain of being sexually rejected, and so to prevent the pain of her being close, only to reject me again, I don't let her get close to begin with. It's a mess I know, as is the case with most couples. Regardless, I want help. I have tried everything. I have spent hours upon hours studying books, researching, putting into practice...etc., but all to meet a block wall and start back at square one. I've "read all the books," "tried all the solutions." I have either lost or killed hope so many times I cannot count them, but my sexual attraction to my wife keeps resurrecting that hope. I have wished, prayed, researched for my sex drive to be taken from me, yet it remains. I can show a man, with ease and clarity, how he can have 100% guaranteed victory over every conscious temptation to commit known sin, as I have this myself, yet I fail miserably and am at a complete loss for how to fix a simple lack of sex problem. Can you please help me? Please? I have little hope of obtaining outside help, not because there is no real help out there, but because in my experience, I've never really even found it. All my problems, I found answers to myself from the Bible. P.S. I am glad to help however I can with this ministry. I'm a poor chap, but am rich in knowledge of biblical things, am good with words, and have a serious passion and interest in sex and making married sex lives better. God save us all.
Topics: gatekeeping, in-laws, sex driveMy husband is taking no interest in sex nowadays, the reason he is saying that I am not behaving properly to him and his parents. Is this a reason?
Topics: AdulteryIf my husband was masturbating in the shower with a video call to another woman is that cheating?
Topics: spiceSex with my wife has gotten very boring I bug her and bug her for some and then when she finally gives in she just lays there and does practically nothing and I ask to help me come with something to spice things up some and she has nothing do you have any thoughts on how I can talk to her about getting more engaged in intimacy?
Topics: health, sex driveMy question is as a female who struggles with all things sex- how can I have victory over my broken body? My body doesn't respond to sexual stimuli or if it does- it's very minimal and weak and hard to achieve. I've been married 10 years to my husband and we have 2 kids and a very strong and secure loving marriage. From the beginning sex has been hard for me. My body doesn't engage like other women speak of. I didn't even know arousal was a real thing until one day it actually happened TO me while I was in another room rocking my baby to sleep while my husband was sexting me from the other room. That was the first and last time I ever discovered and experienced a genuine arousal aka female erection response. Normally my body responds like a child's would. No swelling, no secrerions, no enhanced sensations and no desire or libido even after an hour of foreplay. I've had my hormones tested and spoken with my doctor on several occasions. I've even tried testosterone prescription and in several different strengths. I've worked through and read through dozens of marriage sex blogs and put things into practice with my husband on board of course. We've played the "teacher" game in bed and I am not in the mindset that sex is bad but rather it is gods design and good for marriage. I try not to say no even though I never desire sex and since my body doesn't really get anything out of it- my favorite part is the message and hugs I get out of it. Nothing unique to sex though as I hug and kiss my husband regularly outside of sex. I just don't know how to stimulate my body into an aroused state. The one time my body did have a female erection, it wasn't even being touched as I was in another room rocking my baby to sleep. That erection throbbed for at least 2-3 hours! The skin felt like nothing else I had ever felt before- it was sensitive and swollen and I actually WANTED it to be touched. Again totally life changing experience in regards to sexual pleasure and desire. I had a raging yeast infection at that time so I couldn't be touched though so unfortunately we were unable to explore where that could have led- but wow was it amazing to have experienced it. That was 3 years ago now since that happened and we ha e tried over and over again to replicate it without success. Not even close. Maybe 5% at best. So I know my body CAN become aroused but 1 time in a decade without physical stimulation is not very good odds and I have no clue what else I can do (yes I pray always for God to show me) to have victory over this broken arousal situation. I don't think orgasm is even obtainable (never had one of course) if I can't even become properly aroused. Thanks! Ashlee
Topics: activitiesWhat about playing music during sex? What kind might be ok / not ok?
Topics: sex driveHi I've been subscribed to you for a while now. My wife and I have been saved for about 8 years, married 9. I don't even know exactly how to put this in question form. We have always had a good sex life. My main issue would be that my main need is that I want her to want me. I realize that everything can't always be like it was when we were teenagers but this desire is so strong that I can even become depressed about it. we have both struggled with porn in the past. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure that's the only time she has any actual sex drive. The last time there was any really passionate sex was august 2015 which coincides with one of her times of struggling with porn. I guess my question is do you have any tips or thoughts to help us out?
Topics: Is it normal for guys to want to have their testicles played with? My wife and I have been married for over 5 years and whenever she gives me foreplay she never plays with my balls. Is it normal for guys to want to have their balls played with? And do wives usually enjoy playing with their husbands balls?
Topics: PositionsWhat are some gratifying positions if the husband is smaller sized?
Topics: TheologyWhat is your opinion about the intimacy uncovered in the exegesis of the second and third chapters of Genesis as presented at my site www.thefirstscandal.blogspot.com?
Topics: analGood afternoon, I would like to ask this anonymously. I know you have covered anal forplay and toys. But I was wondering about pegging? Where the wife becomes the dominant and penatrates me with a strap-on. What is your take on this?
Topics: gatekeepingI am at the end of my rope. My wife has refused sex for I can't remember how long. She refuses to talk about it at all or work on it in any way. I wander about in a daze of depression half the time and stumble through my job duties and family life the rest of the time. Any comments or suggestions are welcome.
Topics: analHi there, I really appreciate that you and your spouse are gleaning on wisdom from God to help people (Christian) glean insight what is right and wrong in the sexual relationship between a married couple.
OK, my ?? Is this, Is anal sexual relationship between a husband and a wife a sin?
Why do I ask? A little of my past, I made bad choices in my teenage years and gave away my virginity to not my husband. It was not right in the sight of God I know that now. And while in this relationship I got emotionally abused through being seen as a pornographic object, meaning it wasn't me he was thinking about when we were together. And through that sin, I started wondering what was so great about porn to him that I wasn't enough, so I looked at porn to see why. Well, let's say Satan used that opportunity to get me addicted. I did not want it but I was hooked. I remember breaking loose of that relationship with that man but now I myself was addicted and hated myself every time I'd give in. Believe me through begging praying always not giving up and being persistent God helped me. Restored me. One day I woke up after struggling and begging God to take the yearning for the sin away, a yearning was gone :) Thank Jesus!!!! Anyway, I came over this addiction by the grace of God, a found out my husband whom I married couple years later was struggling in the sin. Because I know how hard it is to break free it has been a rocky road at times, and Satan knowing exactly which tactics to use to press my buttons to mistrust my husband. But anyway because we both had been exposed to porn we both knew of anal relations although I'd never done it, its a really big turn on for my husband between him and myself. But I haven't felt comfortable consenting to such act, I ask myself how can it be right for homosexuality is a sin, which we are husband and wife so it's different but is it really? That's my ???
Thank you for taking the time and wisdom and and looking forward to reading what you guys have From Gid have wisdom for us to glean from.
Topics: loveHopefully this doesn't come across wrong. Everywhere I read about men feeling their worth in sex. If a wife refuses sex, for some reason her husband feels rejected as a person? I'm just a little confused on the reasoning there. Are men taught this at some point or are they actually wired to find acceptance through their penis? It seems dangerous to tie feeling loved to how often a sex organ gets action. How is that different from a woman finding "love" and acceptance through her body? Do you see what I mean? Could you clarify why this thinking isn't harmful for men??
Topics: sex drive, stressOkay, recently we faced a challenge. The near drowning of our seven-year-old son. He has survived, praise God, and with apparently no brain damage. Of course, sex was the last thing on my mind while he was in the hospital. However, once he was released I wanted to be as close as possible to my wife, which would include sex, but my wife seems to be completely disinterested in sex. Are these normal responses to this kind of stress.
Topics: activitiesHey Jay Dee,
I am a married man who has only been married for a little over a month and am still extremely new when it comes to the topic of sex. I have been reading your posts and they are all very helpful, insightful, and useful pieces of information in regards to marriage and sex, oral sex, manual sex, etc. However, I find that although your articles have hit on oral sex/manual sex, I am curious about one particular act that seems to have never really been mentioned in your articles- testicle play. I am really curious as to how many men actually enjoy having their testicles played with, sucked, licked, fondled, whatever 'testicle play' may include. And I am even more interested in what the wives think of this act and how they view the idea of playing with their husbands testicles. To be honest, I am really interested in this topic because of the caution I have taken with asking my wife about this. I am wondering if other married men are as concerned with whether or not testicle play should be incorporated into their sex life, and if the wives actually want to or think about performing this act on their husbands. My wife and I continue to explore each others bodies, what we like, don't like, and so on, but as a man who has heard different ideas in regards to what wives actually think about playing with their husbands balls, I am really curious as to how Christian couples view this topic and the approach other husbands take in discussing it with their spouse if they would like their balls to be played with in their sex life. Thank you. Hope that is clear, looked forward to your response!
Topics: manual, sex driveMy husband has a much higher sex drive than I do. He would like 3 nights a week I am more than good with once a week. As a compromise, I give him a hand job with a silicon masturbates once or twice a week. Most of the time he places it between my legs and pretends to have sex with me. I find it odd kind of funny too. Is this normal? I'm pretty sure that it's not sinful.
Topics: sex driveI'm searching for information about female sexual dysfunction. I'm 32. Happily married for 10 years now. We are spiritually grounded in the word and I feel safe and loved very much in my marriage. So our relationship to each other is a nonissue. I have no past sexual abuse or hang ups. So history for me is a nonissue. I had my hormones checked by my ob-gyn just to see what there were. They were in normal range but both estrogen and testosterone were are low side of normal. I tried some testosterone cream for a few months as a trial and it did not help any of my sexual dysfunction symptoms in any way. It did boost my overall energy levels though. I have found a lot of information on women... Mostly older women... Who have lost their sex drive or lost their ability to become aroused but that's not my situation. I have never had a sex drive even as a teenager. I have never been able to even entertain fantasies it sexual thoughts. My mind is never in the gutter so to speak. I also have never been sexually aroused even with over an hour of dedicated foreplay. No female erection or swelling or lubricating... Nothing. My sexuality and response are like what a childhood girl's are. Like an 8-year-old. It's nonexistent and it has ALWAYS been that way. It never developed. My body developed and grew normally into womanhood but my sexuality remained unchanged since childhood. I have 2 kids via c-sections. I enjoy being the closeness I feel during sex but other than that and a good back rub that's about all I care for it and I can get that without sex. I could have made a great run. I'm searching for information that may be out there to help grow my sexuality into maturity past that if a childhood girl. I have tried to increase desire with all the various blogs suggestions and my husband has worked for me but like the testosterone, I've seen no changes. All the answers I get is it must all be in my head but I don't know what in my head is broken that needs fixing if that's the case since I have no abuse Hx and my husband is so amazing. I've prayed for God to show me and I'm still searching for answers on how to give birth to a second drive that has yet to ever exist. Thanks. Ashlee.
Topics: AdulteryHello Jay Dee, I love you and love your talk show. I have a question about: affair!! Let's say I had an affair in the past with a girl other than my wife (while being married), and my life currently is perfectly fine with my wife . Should I go and tell my wife about it? Because I internally feel so bad that I keep it inside and not telling her. At the same time, I don't want to ruin my marriage but something inside of me saying "Just let it out" Please your advice Thank you so much Keep up the great talk.
Looking for a question you asked recently? Below are links to the posts were they've been answered, either previously, or in a new post.
Topics: masturbation, toys
Hi JD, do you think it's okay for me to use a vibrator to orgasm next to hubby after he has fallen asleep after sex? He does give me orgasms during sex a lot of the time. Sometimes he's finished and I'm content not to have an O so I will just go to sleep. But sometimes I'm all worked up and he's finished, but I want to O too! I'm not sure if I should suck it up and wait until next time or if I should wake hubby enough to ask if it's okay? Or just do it! I'm not sure if this is solo sex (not a good idea) or if I'm sharing it with him. I feel like I'm sharing with him, but he's fallen asleep so doesn't know! Should I tell him in the morning? I have told hubby before that I would find it really hot to wake up to him masturbating next to me in bed, but that he should make sure to wake me so that I can enjoy him doing it. I don't want him masterbating alone.Answered In Is it okay to masturbate next to my spouse if they’re asleep?
This is more a question of curiosity. What do you think about breath play? Science, appropriateness etc...Answered In Anonymous Question: What do you think about breath play (erotic asphyxiation)?
Topics: sex drives, stress
Jay, I just read your last post "Can my wife get addicted to sex toys?" and is spot on in my opinion. In your post you mentioned:
"...(which tends to affect your libido and arousal), some stress from so many kids (which produces cortisol which inhibits dopamine and nitric oxide, which is necessary for arousal), and some lack of sleep, which is also bad for libido and arousal."
My wife and I have gone through seasons where our sex drives have gone up and down because of factors like stress and lack of sleep. I'd be VERY interested in the science behind how stress and other life events affect libido and what we can do to overcome them or minimize their effects. I'm sure many young couples with children would benefit from that knowledge.
Thanks for all you do.Answered In 5 ways to stop stress from killing your sex life
We are a mature white couple our kids out on there own now.
my wife has had a fantasy for 35 yrs of our marriage to be gang banged by 3-5 black guys with very big cocks.
We love each other very much & now I feel that we could let this happen as I had many sexual relationships before her & I've been totally faithful to her; she hasn't been with another man at all.
Is it wrong for us to do this? Even if I'm party to it?Answered In Is it still adultery if you have permission?
Can we swap wives for sex (intercourse) in a marriage?
We are told that there is a website on Christian "swinging" (wife swapping).
How Christian is this in a Christian marriage?
Is this allowed in a Christian environment?Answered In Can Christian couples swing?
Hi. Is it okay for a Christian couple to 'expand' their sexual circle? For the past several years, I have been wanting to see my wife 'taken' by another man or men. I told her about this, and bless her, she listened and didn't condemn me or storm out of our bedroom. Now, it seems that my wife is liking this idea. She is finally opening up to her sexuality and we would love to take our 'desire' to the next level. What are your thoughts? Answered In Is it still adultery if you have permission?
Are threesomes in marriage a sinAnswered In Can Christians have threesomes?
Topics: Adultery, toys
What about a sex surrogate in a marriage where I have ed
Answered In Is it still adultery if you have permission?
So my husband is away on business for the next month (this is the first time we'll be apart) and I wanted to know if playing with my vibrator without him is wrong?
Answered In How do we deal with separation due to work?
it is hard for me to orgasm during sex with my husband so I masturbate and think of him is this wrong.Answered In If masturbation is sinful, what do you do if you don’t orgasm during sex?
Is it a sin to lust after your wife. The Bible says to not covet your neighbor's wife. But is it wrong to covet your own wife? To look longingly at her thighs or ass etc...
KevinAnswered In Is it a sin to lust after your wife?
Lust according to God is a sin. What about "lusting" after your wife? I thought it would be hot my wife to dress seductively and do a little "dance" for me. She refused saying that it just causes me to lust after her and lust is sinful. Same thing if I had "pornographic" images of my wife, or any other material or behavior that inappropriately fuels sexual desire for my wife. What do you say?Answered In Is it a sin to lust after your wife?
I once had a conversation with my W that "sensual" and "sensuality" are vices, sins. I had no argument to counter because countless Bible verses suggest this. That said, is there a place for "sensuality" in Marriage? Or is that "of the flesh" sex that is NOT to be conducted in a Christian marriage? I think I know your position, but I'm curious how to reconcile that the Bible appears to teach "sensuality" is sinful.Answered In Is sensuality in Christian marriage a sin?
Can a couple masturbate on the phone if one of them travels?Answered In How do we deal with separation due to work?
Is it unreasonable for me (husband) to expect my wife to continue to remove pubic hair, like she did when we were dating? We've been married 11 years (second for both of us), and she's indicated that she thinks that shaving or waxing is "too porno" for her, and refuses to entertain the idea. She claims that NO ONE does that every week, month or more than once or twice a year... As I write this I'm starting to see a pattern in our overall love making, Oral is fast becoming a thing of the past; and we're settling into a Once a week Sunday night routine...Answered In Do Christians shave their pubic hair?
how many women willingly (or under some compulsion) remove pubic hair; or (like my wife) refuse to even though their husbands request it...? Is this request way out of line for 'Christian' couples, or more normal than my wife would have me believe...?Answered In Do Christians shave their pubic hair?
Have you ever done a post regarding shaving the entire genital areas (men and women)?Answered In Do Christians shave their pubic hair?
How much do other Christian women shave or trim their pubic hair?
Answered In Do Christians shave their pubic hair?
Topics: talking dirty
Is it okay to talk dirty to your spouse or have them talk dirty to you, very explicit use of language? I don't swear but I enjoy this kind of talk with my other half.
Answered In Introduction to Talking Dirty
Should couples share same bank accounts? Is right or a spouse to hide bonuses and financial packages.
Answered In SWM028 – Answering questions about oral sex before marriage, joint bank accounts, toys, dirty talking and grooming
Is oral sex before marriage bad?
Answered In Is oral sex before marriage wrong?
So, if bondage is ok with a husband and wife, are the use of toys ok too, such as vibrators?Answered In Are sex toys allowed in a Christian marriage?
Is adult lactation normal & OK, bearing in mind "let her breasts satisfy you at all times"? I hope so because I love sucking - it gives me a great sense of wellbeing and enjoyment! Answered In Adult Nursing Relationships