Can married sex be erotic?

Jay Dee

Can married sex be erotic?

Jan 24, 2017

Yesterday I wrote that one of the myths we buy into is that sex has to be erotic all the time.  I think it’s true that sex won’t be erotic every time. Sometimes, like with “maintenance sex” as I called it, sex isn’t that …

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Can married sex be erotic?Yesterday I wrote that one of the myths we buy into is that sex has to be erotic all the time.  I think it’s true that sex won’t be erotic every time.

Sometimes, like with “maintenance sex” as I called it, sex isn’t that … sexy.  It’s more for a release of pressure, or to reconnect.  At other times it can be comforting instead of erotic.

But, I think sometimes it needs to be erotic.  Is sex is never erotic, then chances are you’re just going through the motions in your marriage bed.  Sex becomes a routine of “we’ll do option 1 for foreplay because that gets him erect, then option 2 because that gets her wet, then we’ll have sex in position 1 because that gives her an orgasm and finally finish in position 2 because that’s what gets him to orgasm fastest.”

It can become just a going through the motions to achieve an efficient goal so that you can get the most sleep.  Not terribly erotic, is it?

And that’s okay, some of the time.  But, sometimes it needs to be erotic.

1. Marriages need erotic sex

When you first started having sex it was exciting every time.  Everything was erotic because everything was new, and just so … naked.

You know what I mean.

Every square inch was something new to be explored, every new sensation was riveting and fresh.  Every sound, every taste, it was all exciting and highly erotic.

But, after you’ve been married for a while, “just sex” is often no longer erotic.  You’ve tasted all the tastes, you felt all the skin, you’ve kissed every inch of each other’s bodies.  And this is where the rising social construct of our world pipes up and says “see, this is why monogamy doesn’t make sense because monogamous marriage is mundane and boring”.

2. The world wants us to believe erotic sex isn’t sustainable in marriage

And, as with all of Satan’s deceptions, there is a grain of truth in the lie to make it hook into your brain.  In this case, the grain of truth, I believe, is “marriages need erotic sex in order to thrive”, the lie, of course, then is that marriages will axiomatically kill the concept of erotic sex.

As someone mentioned in the comments on yesterday’s post, movies rarely show married sex anymore, except as some sort of boring, routine that needs to be escaped.  Often it’s done to showcase why an affair is about the happen or is happening.  The message is clear: Marriage kills erotic sex and a lack of erotic sex kills marriages.  In short, we’re being sold the lie that happy marriages are unsustainable.

And if sex is simply a physical experience, then it’s true.  Is sex is just the mechanics and the sensations, then yes, chances are, the eroticism of sex is probably going to fizzle.  Unsurprisingly, this is another lie that the world has been trying to shove down our throats: that sex is only physical.  There doesn’t need to be an emotional component or a spiritual one.  That it’s just something that feels good.  These two lies go together to undercut marriage as a sustainable relationship.

3. Married sex is about more than just the physical

Can married sex be erotic?But, I believe there’s more to sex than just the physical.  I think there are depths beyond just what feels good.  In fact, the longer I am married, the more I realize that attitude is far more erotic than the physical aspect of sex.  In fact, the physical aspect is minuscule compared to the rest.  Don’t get me wrong, the physical is important, just not in the way we’re told from our culture.

The physical is really just the method, or the medium, as it were, of the rest of it.  It’s as if the world is obsessed with how to make the canvas better, all the while denying there is a masterpiece painting on top of it.

And what makes it erotic?  It’s that generous spirit, the attitude of giving, of exploring each other, of being vulnerable and intimate.  Those things will never get old, stale, or routine, because there are always further depths to explore, no surfaces to “taste”, new thoughts to uncover and obstacles to overcome.

Married sex has the capacity to be far more erotic than any other type because while we’re only having sex with one other individual, the depth of eroticism is infinite.

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7 thoughts on “Can married sex be erotic?”

  1. LatterDay Marriage says:

    When a fire burns down the a bunch of hot coals, you toss a new log on.

  2. MaBeck says:

    I agree! Recently, I tried being uber aggressive with my husband and he and I had a wonderful time! I’m trying to think of ways to make our sex life more exciting and unpredictable…and this was definetly one of them!

  3. Butterflywings says:

    Personally I’d just be happy for any sex.

    Erotic sex would be amazing but I can’t say my husband and I have ever had it. My first husband and I did early in our marriage, but he soon got bored and had a “the grass is greener on the other side” problem. Unfortunately usually if the grass appears greener, it usually is fake grass.

  4. Anonymous says:

    So pleased to have found this blog. Much needed!

  5. A.C says:

    It’s true what you say about the world portraying that marriage kills the sex life. In one way it is true. It shouldn’t be like that but I do understand when marriage is portrayed that way. It’s so easy to fall into a routine that slowly kills the marriage. Just some minutes ago I felt really really sad and it was because I really wanted to be with my wife. Lately she has had a short temper and I feel like she is angry at me all the time and in between the times she is angry she sometimes want to have sex but it is not often. It feels like with marriage and kids the erotic part dies and that really hurts. Specially when it feels like she is angry 90% of tour time together(she has a short temper). It really hurts to feel so unloved so it is easy to start thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

    1. Libl says:

      I used to be a very patient person, but I now have a short temper and anger easily. It has taken some work to figure out why and what my triggers are. For me, it is feeling overwhelmed, disrespected, disobeyed, and unheard. It has also had to do with a lack of proper nutrition.

      Are the kids mowing her over?

      Is she doing all the chores?

      Is she taking care of herself?

      Can she use the bathroom in peace?

      Does she have time out on her own or with girlfriends?

      Do you plan date nights with her?

      Is she working a full time job AND a full time mom?

      Does she have time for hobbies?

      When she makes a request, does it go ignored?

      Do the kids only listen when she explodes?

      Do you look at pornography, graphic TV shows, or oogle other women?

  6. Wayne Shaw says:

    Very good article, thank you!
    What all of us who are married, have ever been married, or who want to be married really need to understand is that marriage itself is under attack like never before. And if I read my Bible right, the attacks are going to increase, not decrease, as the god of this world entices his evil seducers to wax worse and worse (cf., Timothy).
    Sexual frustration in general seems to be on the rise as well, and I know that, but for words of comfort to me directly from the Lord God regarding this, my own marriage would not be in as good a shape as it is. The thing is this: there is no “one size fits all” solution, which your article – and this site – reminds us in small and not-so-small ways.
    Are we being told by religious legalists that our erotic thoughts and acts in the bedroom are perverted? Maybe those are exactly the sort of thoughts and acts we should have been having all along. Is mainstream entertainment (and church leadership) telling us we must have sex “x” number of times in such and such a time period? Maybe we need to give our spouses – and ourselves – a break from that, too.
    Those are my thoughts, anyway, and I know from experience it isn’t easy. But man, is it worth it, and possible – if we’ll persist in hearing from God.
    Thanks again, for sharing and listening.

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